When to Ask, When to Tell

Fostering cooperation in our children can be a blood-pressure-altering event. With so many chores that need to be done during the day, we can feel like a drill sergeant, police officer and the Wicked Witch of the West, all rolled into one.

To avoid appearing to our children as the triumvirate of meanness and control, we may overcompensate and be too polite and too kind by asking for cooperation instead of simply expecting cooperation.

Certain items are not negotiable, and for those requests we should not ask for compliance. When we say, ''Honey, would you please take the garbage out? Okay?'' it sounds to our children that they have the right of refusal. A better way to gain cooperation is to use a factual statement: ''It's time to take the garbage out, please. It's starting to smell.''

To our children (and our spouses, too) requests can be interpreted too literally by the use of the helping verbs, ''can,'' ''will'' and ''might.''

''Can you take out the garbage, please?'' might be interpreted as, ''Are you able, or do you know how, to take out the garbage?'' The answer might be a silent ''yes,'' but no action.

''Will you, or would you, take out the garbage?'' might be interpreted as, ''When you have the time, would you be willing to take out the garbage?'' Again, with a literal interpretation, the responders might think they have a choice over the matter.

''May I ask you to take out the garbage?'' Are you beginning to see the language trap we get caught in when we ask instead of tell?

It might seem too forceful and perhaps impolite to say, ''I need to you to take out the garbage right now, please.'' The statement is clear and concise and doesn't lend itself to misinterpretation. Plus, it works.

Life is not all about giving clear directions. We should give our children choices whenever we can. Practicing free choice is a key component in developing self-discipline and fostering cooperation with others. We give choices when it is appropriate to give choices.

For the young child we can give choices about clothes: Do you want to wear your blue shirt or green shirt today?

We can give choices about food: Would you like green beans or broccoli with dinner tonight? Notice that the question is not an open-ended, ''What would you like for dinner?''

We can give choices about sequence of events: Would you like to read a book before or after you put on your pajamas?

Here's a chart to help you think about the differences between ask, tell and giving choices. Remember that choices you give should be appropriate for the circumstances:

Ask: Are you ready to leave now?
Tell: It's time to go now. Remember to buckle up.
Choice: Would you like to go now or in fifteen minutes?

Ask: Are you going to fill the dog's water dish?
Tell: Our dog looks thirsty. Time to fill up his bowl, please.
Choice: Would you like to give the dog water now or after snack?

Ask: Where are your shoes? We're late.
Tell: Put your shoes on. It's time to go.
Choice: Do you want to put your shoes on now or in the car?

Ask: Would you pick up your toys?
Tell: Time to put your toys on your shelves, please.
Choice: Would you like me to help you put away your toys, or do you want to do it yourself?

To foster cooperation be sure you ask only when giving appropriate choices to direct behavior, or give clear directions with no choice implied. Remember: saying ''please'' and ''thank you'' help smooth the waters of cooperation.

Next week: Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

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©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.622.6750
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Happy Song

''I don't feeeel good,'' was the daily lament from one of my four-year-old students. Whatever ways we tried to distract Zoe and get her mind off her problems and into some fun learning, Zoe chose to sit and complain about vague physical aliments.

Verifying with her parents that Zoe didn't have any pathological reasons for her complaints, I tried to think of ways to help Zoe focus on something she considered interesting. My attempts to find activities that Zoe enjoyed left me empty-handed. Zoe, though, did like to sing and joined in anytime singing occurred in our classroom.

Books, such as Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude by Napoleon Hill and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, comprised part of my childhood family library. Projecting PMA (positive mental attitude) was a non-negotiable item for my father. Watching my dad shave and repeat positive affirmations form some of my earliest memories. The only kind of w(h)ine my father liked was in a bottle, and I've learned to appreciate that vintage wisdom.

Needless to say, Zoe's downbeat attitude seemed ripe for change with PMA.

In the years B.C. (before children), I worked on the same floor as sales training for the Combined Insurance Company, founded by W. Clement Stone, an early proponent of PMA. During training sessions a cheer reverberated through out the halls. ''I feel happy! I feel healthy! I feel wonderful!'' Three times--with enthusiasm--the sales force cheered multiple times each day. I have to admit, just listening I felt better after each pep rally.

Back to Zoe. One morning, perhaps in frustration with Zoe's incalcitrant attitude, a song bubbled from my imagination straight from those days of the PMA pep rallies. Mixed with some jazz hands, a plie, a turn, and...Voila! The Happy Song and Dance was born.

I feel happy, happy, happy. (with jazz hands)

I feel healthy, healthy, healthy. (plie with strong arms)

I feel happy, happy, happy. (with jazz hands)

I feel wonderful. (turn with jazz hands)

One more time (repeat three times or until PMA appears with smiles and giggles.)

Like a thirsty camel to an oasis, Zoe joined in and...smiled...and laughed. After that first singing activity, Zoe spent the next hour complaint-free, and she chose to engage in a learning activity for the first time in nine weeks of class. For Zoe, every day with the Happy Song helped her have a happy day.

The Happy Song and Dance remained on my list of ''songs to be sung everyday'' for many years. For Zoe The Happy Song seemed to be the PMA tool that helped her move out of her downward spiral of self-absorbed complaining.

Here's a belated thank you to Combined Insurance Company and their PMA for provided the words to help one off-course little girl, and many others, move in a direction to be happy, healthy and wonderful.

Next week: When to Ask, When to Tell

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.622.6750
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Think

Thomas Watson of IBM fame posted one-word notices around IBM factories and offices. ''THINK,'' read the signs. When a book about IBM and Tom Watson appeared, it was no surprise that the title was Think.

Think. That seems to be a word that we, too, could post around our homes, schools and office to great benefit.

Thinking ultimately gives us the ability to choose how we will react to a situation. Thinking allows us to plan, organize, analyze, evaluate and prioritize. Thinking keeps us out of a lot of messes.

Thinking takes practice. What neuroscience is seeing with brain research is that the actions of the body and the thoughts of the mind affect the structure of the brain. In short, our movements and our thoughts build our brains. Repetition of an action or thought creates neural pathways in the brain. Most of the research has been done with rats, but functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) of human brains show similar brain activity.

Our brains are actually three brains in one--the reptilian, the mammalian and the neocortex--referred to as the triune brain. Sensory information enters the brain through the reptilian brain, or the cerebellum, at the base of the skull. The reptilian brain is involved with survival, automatic responses such as breathing and heartbeat, as well as movement and balance.

If the reptilian brain perceives danger, the ''fight or flight'' response occurs. The reptilian brain also connects to the mammalian brain, or limbic system, that is the seat of emotions and memory.

Sensory information then passes from the mammalian brain to the neocortex, or command central. It is in the neocortex area that we can choose how we will react to stimuli. Do we fight or flee? Do we think or react?

From the neocortex sensory information is sent to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in what is referred to as the ''executive functions;; of problem solving, reasoning, analyzing, organizing and prioritizing.

When our sensory information gets ''hung up'' emotionally in the limbic system, our opportunities to think through a situation are diminished. It is with a quiet mind that we can get our emotions under control, which allows the neocortex time to send information to the frontal cortex, where planning, organizing, deciding, reasoning and problem solving engage.

For our children to learn to think, we need to make sure their reptilian minds feel safe. A calm mind enhances memory and thus aids learning. For the child under the age of six, this includes having a predictable environment, consisting of people and objects, quiet, adequate nutrition and sleep.

When the reptilian brain's survival needs are met, the mammalian brain calms, and emotions are more easily controlled. With a peaceful state of mind, the child can choose to actively and safely engage and learn with the people and objects in his or her environment. This engagement with the environment leads the child in building attention, focus, concentration and confidence to interact positively in the world. With engrossing experiences, usually consisting of more failures than successful attempts, the child learns the executive skills developed with the prefrontal cortex.

Think. It begins with feeling safe and loved. It grows with engaged experiences with people and objects in a child's environment of home and school.

Think. Because our thoughts and actions matter.

Next week: The Happy Song

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.622.6750
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

In a Twitter

The most important help to life we can offer to our children is to provide opportunities to develop concentration and independence.

With the development of concentration and independence, our children can take these strengths and apply them to any activity they wish to pursue.

With concentration and independence a subset of other skills comes along: accomplishments that include critical thinking, problem solving, emotion regulation, use of the imagination, reflection, abstract vocabulary, as well as the ability to act with intention and responsibility.

Our children's days (and our own) are filled with constant interruptions from electronic media--television, video games, computers, Internet, cell phones, music devices, etc. The way our time is structured for school, jobs and home acts as punctuated roadblocks to the development of concentration and independence.

Observing a high school Spanish class of 40 students helped me see the influence that electronic devices are having on our children. This high school class met in the school library for a test. Here's what the 50-minute session looked like:

Each student checked out a laptop computer while being told in Spanish how to log onto the test. This took 15 minutes. Cell phone texting occurred with 38 of the 40 students during the first 15 minutes of class, and chatting with neighbors occurred in English until the 30-minute mark. Most students worked with their computers for 10 minutes, and then text messaging on cell phones began again. At the 45-minute mark, laptops were returned to the shelves in less than 5 minutes. The bell rang, and in less than one minute all students were out of the library. As they stood up from their chairs, students began talking on their cell phones as they walked to their next 50-minute class time.

During this class I observed less than 10 minutes of concentrated activity for this group of students. As I considered the state-of-the-art library, the 40 laptops, the teacher and all the resources that went into that 10-minute ''learning experience,'' if one dared call it that, I felt a tremendous sadness.

Sadness for the students who never have learned to love learning because they lack the skills that come with concentration and independence.

Sadness for the teacher who made no personal connection to her students.

Sadness for the taxpayers who spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to create a learning environment where students worked for 10 minutes and got their electronic media fix the other 50 minutes of the hour.

Sadness for the people addicted to being constantly interrupted by their cell phones and, in the process, not being able to appreciate and engage with the people, environment and experience right before them.

When I read that my elected Congressman had ''Twittered'' 22 times during the State of the Union address, this sadness turned to anger. Anger that as a taxpayer I am paying for students and elected officials to ''Twitter'' their lives away. As a learning development specialist, I am outraged that we are allowing people to build the concentration and independence of a gnat.

I'm in a twitter.

''A mind is a terrible thing to waste,'' goes the well-known ad. What are we doing to our children and to ourselves with our incessant instant messages, our constant phone calls and 140-character advertisements?

We must give our children the opportunities to develop concentration and independence. We must protect children's opportunities to develop concentration and independence. Are these electronic devices developing essential qualities for human development? If not, we need to take a long hard look at what our electronic-all-the-time lifestyles are creating. Otherwise, we might end up a nation of twits. Perhaps we already are.

Next week: Think

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.622.6750
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Strong Families Create Success

In Betty Smith's classic A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, she tells the story of a young girl Francie Nolan in the early 1900's, living with her family in the tenements. There wasn't enough food. Her father drank up his paycheck, and her school rolled in chaos and neglect.

Francie's family owned two books: the Bible and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. Each night for years Francie's mother read one or the other book out loud. Reading from those two books created their main form of entertainment in a bleak existence. Little by little, though, life grew better for the Nolan family because of certain strengths exercised within the family.

Strong families with strong values--even though at first glance a family may appear dysfunctional as the Nolan family--create the ballast in children's lives, so they can move forward under their own power.

What values grew in the family in Brooklyn?

One strength in the Nolan family was a determination to make life better. When running an errand, our heroine discovers a clean and happy school, and she decides to do whatever necessary to go to school there. It involves a bit of deceit and a mile walk in, but Francie focused on improving her life.

Even though the two books the Nolans owned aren't considered primers, Francie's mother showed resourcefulness in helping her children become literate and love language before Francie and her brother headed off to school. Francie showed resourcefulness in her many ways of earning some extra money in the neighborhood.

Even though living in poverty, Francie appreciated reading a book on the fire escape, the breeze, the tree from the title of the book and the refreshing taste of a peppermint wafer. Being able to recognize the positives in your life creates a key for success.

A thousand years ago, a hundred years ago and today, it is in our families that we learn to take the freedoms and opportunities presented to us and make something of them. It is in our families that we learn courage. We learn to become self-reliant and to focus on our personal potential of service to others. Self-discipline and moderation are practiced. Loyalty and dependability are fostered. Respect for our family members extends to the outside world, as well as the love we have for our mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. Within our homes we practice kindness and being friendly. With our mistakes and learning in this microcosm of society, we experience justice and mercy for our mistakes and trespasses against others.

It is in our families that life is lived and where habits and perspectives for a life well-lived germinate, measured in terms of hope, happiness and health.

Our families are never perfect, but families are the best way we know to develop people. Families need our support--as neighbors, as schools, as churches, as communities, as countries--to strengthen the essential work they do.

Let's work together to make our families better. Strong families create strong people. Isn't that what the world needs?

Next week: In a Twitter

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.622.6750
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing