Misbehavior Meets Needs

Misbehavior. That's when you don't act the way I want you to when I want you to.

But what about when I do what I want when I want to do it? Some might call it personal prerogative. Others might say it's a double standard.

One of the interesting aspects of human behavior is that behavior is need-driven. Needs can be physical or spiritual, or perhaps a mixture of both. For example, our need for food fills a physical need, hunger, along with the spiritual needs of belonging, beauty and more.

As long as we go about filling our needs in culturally appropriate ways, others consider us behaving. As soon as our needs inconvenience someone by creating an obstacle for the fulfillment of their needs...BOOM...our behavior transforms into misbehavior.

For our children, who have not yet learned the cultural nuances of conduct, these crashes and clashes of unmet needs can create disturbances that adults label as misbehavior.

Physical needs are the ones that we usually think of first when we are dealing with a clash of needs between child and adult. Is the child hungry, tired, sleepy, cold, etc.? And perhaps the adult, too?

No wonder grandmothers around the world want to feed crabby people. Cookies with milk, along with predictable meal and bedtimes, keep life on an even keel. Taking care of our physical needs avoids considerable conflict.

Meeting spiritual needs becomes trickier and more complex as spiritual needs involve the intellectual, emotional, physical as well as the spiritual parts of our beings.

Spiritual needs include the following and more: activity, movement, exercise, creativity, exploration, orientation, belonging, acceptance, appreciation, becoming, celebration, closeness, community, consideration, contribution, emotional safety, empathy, honesty, love, reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding, warmth, communication, inspiration, laughter, fun, imagination, to choose dreams, goals and values, create self-worth, create meaning, create an authentic person, create personal integrity, order, beauty, harmony, peace, repetition, precision and exactness.

With so many needs to meet, we all can get needy quickly. We can be going around minding our own business, and then...Ka-Boom! Our needs smash into someone else's.

From a child's point of view, there is no misbehavior, only actions for trying to meet personal needs. Let's look at a few examples.

The child running in the back aisle of the store? Meeting a need for movement and self-expression.

The child giving an adult an imperious, ''No!''? Meeting a need to become independent.

The child refusing to go to bed? Meeting a need for adult attention.

The child lashing out at friends? Perhaps meeting the need to be alone, to have time to collect thoughts or the need for protection.

The next time there is a sonic boom in your life, as unmet needs move faster than the speed of sound, think about what unmet needs--yours and your child's--have collided.

Work towards a win-win solution in order for all parties to have their needs met, with no need for misbehaving.

Next Week: Do the Hokey Pokey

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

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©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Paying Attention to the Right Stuff

In my elementary and junior high school years I always sat in the back row. Except in my seventh-grade English class.

I wondered why I inevitably sat in the back against the wall. Alphabetical order, I presumed. The back-row perspective allowed me to observe everyone in my classrooms, and even as a second grader I could see that the children on the front two rows got most, if not all, of the teacher's smiles and pats on the back.

The concrete block walls chilled and isolated. Not until I was in my thirties and reading a book on classroom management did I understand why I sat at the back of the classroom.

There is a strategy of assigning students to the front of the room who need help to stay on task. Children who follow direction and work independently are put in the back of the room. In retrospect, occupying the rear seat was sort of a backhanded compliment.

Troublemakers, though, never sat on the back row. From the cold wall the troublemakers looked like the teacher's pets. On the back row, we were marooned in a sea of desks a thousand miles away from a smile.

The front row strategy, I admit, was effective. Our classrooms ran smoothly as teachers paid attention to those children who needed firm and vigilant direction to learn, and encouraged them with a word, a smile or a touch of the hand on the back.

My teachers taught their inattentive students to pay attention to the right stuff. My teachers knew that to help children learn to do the right things, you have to catch children doing something right, instead of catching them doing something wrong.

When we give undue attention to behavior that doesn't benefit the child's efforts in building concentration and independence, we inadvertently create a reason for the child to continue the ''wrong'' behavior in order to get attention.

Ignoring unacceptable behavior can be difficult, but we should only stop the behavior if it is dangerous to people or property. We need to catch our children doing something right, and let them know unequivocally that they are on the path to independence and stronger focus. How else are they to understand when they are headed in a positive direction?

Three-year-old Bobby, the youngest of four children, pulled stunts to get attention by jumping on the dinner table, throwing his dishes or running out the front door. Bobby was an expert at provoking a sibling's tirade or inducing a round of laughter. Unless Bobby did something outrageous, his family was too busy to notice to him.

Bobby's behavior stemmed from a need to belong. Bobby's antics met with such success that that he created more outrageous behavior daily. Not knowing what else to do, Bobby's parents and siblings decided to take their pediatrician's advice and catch Bobby doing something right.

''The first day,'' Bobby's mother Kay said, ''the only thing positive I could find was that Bobby got into his booster seat by himself. But we resolved to not give Bobby any attention for his disruptive behaviors, and we made a concentrated effort to pay attention to him before he demanded our attention with some stunt.''

''In a couple of weeks, as we focused on Bobby and gave him attention for those positive behaviors, Bobby's mischievous stunts became less frequent. In a month they were gone.''

Let's pay attention to the right stuff, even for the kids on the back row.

Next Week: Misbehavior Meets Needs

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Giving Positive Directions: The Verb Game

A funny thing about the mind; it takes a while for our minds to figure out how to ''don't.''

''Don't hit your baby brother.'' The young child doesn't have the thinking skills or experience to consider what to do instead of hitting his baby brother, much less redirect the energy and anger to a positive source. The direction of ''Don't hit your baby brother'' probably leads a young mind to consider alternatives such as pinching, biting or various methods to inflict pain or express displeasure.

What should we do? We need to redirect the child to do what we want them to do. Perhaps saying something like: ''Come here and sit next to me,'' ''Put your hands in your lap, and let's sing 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,''' ''You may only use your hands to help,'' ''Let's go and take a walk,'' or ''…have a snack, take a nap, swing'' or whatever redirection you can think of in the heat of the moment.

To redirect a child's behavior it is essential to give clear and positive directions. Saying ''don't'' or ''stop'' is ineffective. We need to be precise in our requests, ready to follow through and lead by the hand if necessary.

The young subconscious mind cannot differentiate between the commands ''Don't Hit'' and ''Hit.''

Try this experiment with your younger than five-year-old child by playing the Verb Game. On 3'' x 5'' index cards, with one word per card, write the following words: jump, walk, sit, stand, twirl, spin, squirm, wiggle, laugh, smile, nod, shake, blink, smack, stomp, tap, clap, click, rub, pat, crawl, freeze and stop.

I suggest writing these words down because in a moment of great need, I can never think of enough action words. But I can usually find the stack of cards.

Play the game by telling your child that you are going to play the Verb Game, that you'll say a word and both you and your child will do it together. Read ''jump'' out loud, and begin to jump. Jump for about ten seconds with your child, and then give the next command. After the fourth or so command, say, ''Don't jump.'' Wait about ten seconds, and see what happens.

What you more than likely will see is your child jump or do whatever you've instructed him or her to not do. Continue on with rest of the commands, and then offer your child a chance to give the commands. Play on a daily basis to help your child learn to follow directions by connecting mind and body, thoughts and actions.

Count how many times a day you say, ''don't.'' It can be quite eye opening. Here are some ways to rephrase our don't messages into ''do'' messages.

Don't run. > Walk, please.

Don't put your coat. > Hang up your coat, please.

Don't forget. > Remember to…

Don't talk. > Please be quiet.

Don't go that way. > Come here. Stay with me.

Don't touch. > Put your hands behind your back.

Don't wiggle. > Sit like this.

Don't play with your food. > Use your fork.

Don't throw that. > Stop. Put it down. Hand me that.

Don't play the TV loud. > Make the TV quieter.

Don't yell. > Speak softly. Use an inside voice.

Don't hit. > Use your words to solve your problems.

Don't make a face. > Smile.

To make statements more positive, add please and thank you!

Remember, it's difficult to do the don'ts. Play the verb game to connect body and mind.

Next Week: Paying Attention to the Right Stuff

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Ask Children For What You Want

The bestselling book The Secret talks about the problem of not having a clear vision of what we want. We spend the majority of our time avoiding or getting rid of stuff in our lives that we don't want. Wherever we place our focus, that is what grows. The more we direct our attention on getting rid of the stuff we don't want, the more we attract exactly the situations we don't want in our lives.

We need to focus on the situations we do want. Some call it the power of a positive mental attitude.

In guiding our children, one could say that being positive is essential. The more we focus on behaviors we don't desire in our children, the more our children seem to be involved in those behaviors. It's easy to get caught in a downward spiral of only catching our children doing something they shouldn't and not seeing the wonderful things they do.

The secret of breaking out of a downward spiral is simply this: Concentrate on what you do want. But remember the old saying: Be careful what you wish for; you may get it. Clear thoughts and desires that include the consequences of getting what we asked for should be considered when making requests.

At a communications workshop we played a game called ''Airplane.'' One person, the airplane, puts on a blindfold. The room is then set up with obstacles. The navigator's job is to get the airplane across the room without crashing into the obstacles.

The game starts after spinning the airplane around three or four times. The navigator directs the airplane: Take three steps to your left. The airplane echoes the command, ending with a ''Roger.'' The navigator continues to give commands until the airplane safely lands.

In this game, the person playing the airplane has to trust the navigator after being spun around confuses his or her sense of direction. The navigator has to be clear and direct; otherwise the airplane crashes crash into chairs, walls and other people. Even when the navigator thinks he or she is giving clear directions, the airplane's actions can be decidedly otherwise.

For added laughs and confusion we added ''weather'' cards, a set of cards containing bits of information, such as:

• Turbulent head winds move you three steps backwards.
• Tailwinds are strong. Move three giant steps forward
• You're flying in to a thunderstorm. Turn around 180 degrees.

These three cards could be called out by the ''weatherman'' and interjected at any point in the airplane's flight. This game can last for quite a while, as everybody takes a turn playing the role of airplane, navigator and weatherman.

''Airplane'' is a great listening exercise for family or classroom fun. I've played it with three-year-olds and sixty-three year olds for some hilarity in learning a communication secret.

The Secret? Ask for what you want in a clear and positive manner. Asking for what you don't want gets you nowhere, alone and confused. Or falling on your backside, wondering what just happened.

Next Week: Giving Positive Directions

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2009 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing