Listening to Ourselves with Compassion

When we do something that later we wished we hadn't, we rarely give ourselves the level of forgiveness and understanding that we give to others. If we evaluate ourselves and subsequently change our behaviors due to negative emotions--shame, embarrassment or fear, to name only a few--we are feeding self-hatred.

We are our own worst critic. In effective communication we talk about the importance of giving and receiving information without criticizing, judging or blaming. The last eight columns have dealt with our communication with others. Today, let's focus on how we talk and listen to ourselves, or our interpersonal communication.

Our self-evaluations full of judging, criticizing and blaming are expressions of unmet needs. Remember, negative feelings are a wake-up call for us to recognize an unmet need.

When we find ourselves in a position where we've done something we wished we hadn't, we need to stop and listen to ourselves. We need to try and understand our own observations, feelings, needs and requests, as seriously as if we were trying to understand someone we cared about deeply.

We need to take the time to understand and connect our feelings with unmet needs, so we can step of out the cycle of self-blame.

Once we understand the connections between our feelings and needs, the next step for our inner communication is to ask, ''What need of mine was I trying to meet when I behaved in the way I regret?''

From this question we will have information vital in knowing how we can grow in a direction that will enrich our lives and the lives of others.

With the answer to this question we can act from a place of self-compassion and love that will contribute more to life than feelings of fear and guilt, shame, duty or obligation. Remember, we always have a choice about how we will act, how we will feel and what we need.

When the words I have to pop into your thinking, take the time to consider how the actions you feel you have to do connect to what you want or need. Acknowledge the fact that you have the power to choose what you feel you have to do by writing, I choose to ________ because I want ________. For example, instead of, I have to cook dinner, write I choose to cook dinner because I want my family to be healthy.

As you think about the life-alienating chores you feel you have to do, and you realize that you choose those behaviors to fulfill a need or desire, be wary of the following wants that you might uncover: the motivation or desire--for money, for approval, to escape punishment, to avoid shame or guilt and to fulfill a sense of duty. These wants can rob us of our joy in life, until we can connect desires to life-affirming needs.

The importance of effective interpersonal communication I think is highlighted by this tale, of which I've heard several versions.

A Cherokee grandfather tells his grandson that every person has two wolves trying to live inside of him. One wolf is full of anger, rage, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other wolf is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, truth, compassion and faith.

''The wolves battle inside of you to take control of your life,'' the grandfather said.

''But which one will win?'' the grandson said.

''The wolf you feed.''

Listen to yourself compassionately. Ask yourself questions that will help you connect your feelings with your needs. Answer honestly. Choose to feed the wolf that will bring joy into your life and the lives of others. Your children will win. We all will win.

This is the final column in a series on effective communication.

Next week: Asking Permission

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Receiving Information with Understanding and Compassion

Let's talk now about listening. In previous columns, we've focused on the expression part of communicating. As a quick review, there are two fundamental parts of effective communication:

1) Expressing one's observations, feelings, needs and requests honestly without judging, blaming or criticizing others, and

2) Listening for understanding to others' observations, feelings, needs and requests without judging, blaming or criticizing.

Listening is a difficult activity to do well. We have distractions that never seem to end--telephones, television, radios, personal music devices, computers, deadlines, schedules, personal agendas--and the list goes on and on.

The next layer of distraction is formed by our own experiences and beliefs. When we truly listen we have to push these distractions aside, so we can focus on the other person's observations, feelings and needs without jumping to judge, blame or criticize.

When we get past all these distractions we find ourselves in the present moment and can focus body, heart and spirit on our communication. To prepare myself to listen, I shift gears by imagining myself as a giant baseball mitt, ready and able to catch any message that comes my way. Fastballs, hard balls, fly balls, pop-ups. All kinds of messages, even those out of left field. Across the palm of the mitt I envision, stamped in gold lettering, Ask Questions. The mitt has four words written by Sandy Koufax in black marker: observations, feelings, needs, requests. This picture helps me remember the four keys to effective listening. It also helps me maintain a sense of humor when communication starts to pop.

The next step to effective listening, once the ball has been thrown, is to catch the message and wait. Our initial response many times is to offer advice or reassure the speaker. Marshal Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication puts it this way from a Buddhist saying—Don't just do something, stand there.

We need to give others the time and space to fully express themselves. But we need to stand there, open as a giant baseball mitt, even though we may be itching to offer advice, tell a story of how something even worse happened to us, lecture, make excuses for the speaker, dismiss the seriousness of the issue, give unwanted sympathy, start correcting, or questioning facts we don't consider right. See? Lots of distractions to effective listening.

As the messages are sent our way, they may come fast and hard, curved or wild. No matter what others say we need to stay open and listen for what the speaker is truly 1) observing, 2) feeling, 3) needing) and 4) requesting. Keep in mind what's stamped and autographed on your mitt.

During effective listening the only communications you can send are questions to try to clarify your understanding of the speaker's observations, feelings, needs and requests.

For example: Jimmy comes in and yells, ''I'm so stupid!''

Time to mentally say STOP! and become the open baseball mitt. Ask questions to get more information.

''Jimmy, why would you say that?''

''Because, Dad, I left my bike outside last night, and now it is gone.''

At this point our tendency as parents is to jump in and fix the problem (or the ten other things I mentioned earlier) instead of asking questions based on Jimmy’s observations, feelings, needs and requests.

“So, Jimmy, you're feeling (you're guessing here: guilty, overwhelmed, upset) that your bike is not where you left it?''

''Yeah, I just feel so stupid that I left it out, and somebody stole it.''

Here, we need to keep asking questions until Jimmy makes a request, or we can ask, ''How can I help?''

''So you think you couldn't have left it someplace else, Jimmy?''

''Maybe I left it over at Tom's. I'll call and see. Thanks, Dad.''

By asking a few questions, and not saying things like, ''Jimmy you're not stupid,'' or flying off the handle when we think the bike is stolen, Jimmy feels listened to and tries to solve his own problem. Instead of trying to be Mr. or Ms. Fixit in your relationships, try being a catcher who can only ask questions regarding observations, feelings, needs and requests. Listening with understanding and compassion is at the heart of our relationships. Just don't do something—stand there.

Next week: Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves

This is one in a series of columns on effective communication.

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Learning to Request What You Need

200th Kids Talk Newsletter!

At the heart of our relationships is the need for effective communication. Our objective is to build a relationship based on honesty and empathy. The two basic components of effective communication consists of two skills:

1) Expressing observations, feelings and needs honestly while withholding blame and criticism.

2) Receiving information from others without hearing blame or criticism, while asking questions to understand the other person's observations, feelings and needs.

Our next step in effective communication is to request what we need in order to enrich our lives.

We can use the following sentence to help us separate feeling from opinion and then connect feelings to a need:

I feel (emotion) because I need or want (spiritual or physical need).

With this clarity of feelings and need, we are ready to request what we need.

How we make the request is vital. Requests to others are more likely to be accurately received when sent in clear positive language. We wouldn't dream of going into a restaurant and telling the waitress, I don't want a hamburger, and expect to get the spinach salad we want. Much less expect the waitress to bring us a spinach salad without our uttering a word.

Unfortunately, we expect many of our requests to be understood without directly making a request, or our requests to others are framed in don't statements. Don't forget. Don't be late. Don't touch. Don't statements tell others what we don't want instead of what we do want. Why do we use don't statements? Because we lack inner clarity about what we really want.

Perhaps making clear requests seems selfish to us. Many of us were raised to be happy with what we were given and not to ask for any thing else.

Or perhaps we've never taken the time to truly consider what situation, items or cooperation we need in order to fill our needs and desires.

Vague requests probably can't be accommodated by others and also contribute to self-confusion. If we want to eat and only say, I'm hungry, we may or may not end up with something to eat and could be surprised by what we do end up with to eat.

If we can express ourselves clearly using our feelings and needs with the request, we are more likely to obtain what we want. For example, saying, ''I'm hungry. I need to eat soon. I think I'd like to make a peanut butter sandwich,'' will probably get you what you want more than just saying, ''I'm hungry.'' In addition, you'll have a clear idea and avoid self-confusion.

Oftentimes we are unaware of what we are requesting, like those times when we stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open. We're hungry or bored, but we don't know what we want.

Request or demand? A request can sound more like a demand when we don't express our feelings and needs along with the request. ''I want a peanut butter sandwich,'' may come across as a tantrum waiting to happen.

When another person hears a demand from us, the usual response is either to give in or to rebel. How can we tell if a communication has been framed as a request or a demand?

When the speaker's request is not answered with compliance, we need to observe the speaker's behavior. With a demand the speaker may try to criticize, judge, blame or lay a guilt trip on us. For example, watch for statements from the speaker such as these: You never listen to me. You are a terrible mother. I'll get sick if I don't eat. You don't love me. Sound familiar?

With a request a speaker will show understanding with the receiver's needs. Using our peanut butter sandwich example, if the response was ''Dinner is in 15 minutes. Can you wait to eat?'' what responses might we expect, from a demanding person and a requesting person?

With a demand, we might expect a criticizing, blaming or judging response, in an effort to manipulate us into compliance. With a request, we might hear two basic responses: ''Yes, I can wait,'' or, "No, I need to eat something as soon as possible.''

Help your children learn the difference between a demand and a request, so they can make requests to improve their lives, and yours.

Next week: Receiving Information with Understanding and Compassion

This is one in a series of columns on effective communication.

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

When Needs Are Not Fulfilled

Effective communication is at the heart of strong relationships. Our parenting and teaching work with children is dependent on vital relationships and communications. Effective communication is based on two essential skills:

1) The ability to express honestly how we are, and

2) The ability to understand from others how we are, all without giving or hearing blame or criticism.

Honest expression about who we are occurs when we connect our feelings with our needs and choices for our behavior. Understanding from others how they perceive us requires that we seek to discover what they are observing, feeling, needing and requesting from us.

What happens when needs are not met? Communication can come into conflict when needs are unfulfilled. Unmet needs can lead to feelings that we consider negative--anger, confusion, disappointment, frustration, hopelessness, irritation, sadness, loneliness and embarrassment, to name only a few.

We should use negative feelings as a wake-up call to understand that our needs are not being met. Using the following phrase can help us connect feelings to needs, allowing us to move forward in a way that embraces life instead of being bogged down in life-alienating emotions:

I feel (negative emotion) because I need or want (spiritual or physical need).

Use these lists of feelings and emotions to answer your wake-up call.

Negative Feelings

• Afraid
• Agitated
• Angry
• Annoyed
• Apathetic
• Beat
• Bitter
• Blue
• Bored
• Confused
• Cross
• Dejected
• Depressed
• Detached
• Disappointed
• Discouraged
• Embarrassed
• Fidgety
• Furious
• Guilty
• Helpless
• Hostile
• Hurt
• Impatient
• Irate
• Jealous
• Lazy
• Numb
• Resentful
• Sleepy
• Uncomfortable
• Worried

For a list of feelings, positive and negative, see Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication, pages 44-45.

Spiritual and Physical Needs

• Activity
  • Movement
  • Exercise
  • Creativity
  • Exploration
  • Orientation
• Belonging
  • Acceptance
  • Appreciation
  • Becoming
  • Celebration
  • Closeness
  • Community
  • Consideration
  • Contribution
  • Emotional safety
  • Empathy
  • Honesty
  • Love
  • Reassurance
  • Respect
  • Support
  • Trust
  • Understanding
  • Warmth
• Communication
  • Inspiration
  • Laughter
  • Fun
• Imagination
  • To choose dreams, goals and values
  • Create self-worth
  • Create meaning
  • Create an authentic person
  • Create personal integrity
• Order
  • Beauty
  • Harmony
  • Peace
  • Repetition
  • Precision
  • Exactness

Physical Needs

• 
  
• Air
• Food
• Movement
• Protection from danger
• Sleep
• Sexual expression
• Shelter
• Touch
• Water

Fully understanding what we need makes the next step in our communication easier--asking for what we need to enrich life. Requesting what we need not only enriches our own life, but also adds value to all life on this planet. In the big picture, requesting what we need is not a selfish act; our requests to improve our lives improve the world.

Next week: Learning to Request What We Need

This is one in a series of columns on effective communication.

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Learning to Request What You Need

200th Kids Talk Newsletter!

At the heart of our relationships is the need for effective communication. Our objective is to build a relationship based on honesty and empathy. The two basic components of effective communication consists of two skills:

1) Expressing observations, feelings and needs honestly while withholding blame and criticism.

2) Receiving information from others without hearing blame or criticism, while asking questions to understand the other person's observations, feelings and needs.

Our next step in effective communication is to request what we need in order to enrich our lives.

We can use the following sentence to help us separate feeling from opinion and then connect feelings to a need:

I feel (emotion) because I need or want (spiritual or physical need).

With this clarity of feelings and need, we are ready to request what we need.

How we make the request is vital. Requests to others are more likely to be accurately received when sent in clear positive language. We wouldn't dream of going into a restaurant and telling the waitress, I don't want a hamburger, and expect to get the spinach salad we want. Much less expect the waitress to bring us a spinach salad without our uttering a word.

Unfortunately, we expect many of our requests to be understood without directly making a request, or our requests to others are framed in don't statements. Don't forget. Don't be late. Don't touch. Don't statements tell others what we don't want instead of what we do want. Why do we use don't statements? Because we lack inner clarity about what we really want.

Perhaps making clear requests seems selfish to us. Many of us were raised to be happy with what we were given and not to ask for any thing else.

Or perhaps we've never taken the time to truly consider what situation, items or cooperation we need in order to fill our needs and desires.

Vague requests probably can't be accommodated by others and also contribute to self-confusion. If we want to eat and only say, I'm hungry, we may or may not end up with something to eat and could be surprised by what we do end up with to eat.

If we can express ourselves clearly using our feelings and needs with the request, we are more likely to obtain what we want. For example, saying, ''I'm hungry. I need to eat soon. I think I'd like to make a peanut butter sandwich,'' will probably get you what you want more than just saying, ''I'm hungry.'' In addition, you'll have a clear idea and avoid self-confusion.

Oftentimes we are unaware of what we are requesting, like those times when we stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open. We're hungry or bored, but we don't know what we want.

Request or demand? A request can sound more like a demand when we don't express our feelings and needs along with the request. ''I want a peanut butter sandwich,'' may come across as a tantrum waiting to happen.

When another person hears a demand from us, the usual response is either to give in or to rebel. How can we tell if a communication has been framed as a request or a demand?

When the speaker's request is not answered with compliance, we need to observe the speaker's behavior. With a demand the speaker may try to criticize, judge, blame or lay a guilt trip on us. For example, watch for statements from the speaker such as these: You never listen to me. You are a terrible mother. I'll get sick if I don't eat. You don't love me. Sound familiar?

With a request a speaker will show understanding with the receiver's needs. Using our peanut butter sandwich example, if the response was ''Dinner is in 15 minutes. Can you wait to eat?'' what responses might we expect, from a demanding person and a requesting person?

With a demand, we might expect a criticizing, blaming or judging response, in an effort to manipulate us into compliance. With a request, we might hear two basic responses: ''Yes, I can wait,'' or, "No, I need to eat something as soon as possible.''

Help your children learn the difference between a demand and a request, so they can make requests to improve their lives, and yours.

Next week: Receiving Information with Understanding and Compassion

This is one in a series of columns on effective communication.

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Connecting Needs to Feelings

A critical aspect of effective communication is learning how to express our needs. In our efforts to communicate effectively with others, we need to learn how to observe behavior, without evaluating, to figure out an individual's needs. For effective communication, we need to differentiate between feelings and thoughts. We need to be aware of how using I feel statements may be expressing an opinion and not true feelings. The next step in effective communication is to connect feelings to personal needs.

Two kinds of needs. Humans have two types of fundamental needs--physical and spiritual. The basic survival needs of food, clothing, shelter and protection are evident to most of us. Other physical needs include air, water, exercise, movement, disease control, sleep and rest, sexual expression and touch of other living beings.

Spiritual needs are more extensive and, unlike physical needs, are difficult at times to determine if they are being met. Being able to connect feelings to spiritual needs, though, becomes vital to both communication and opportunities for personal growth and freedom.

Humans have basic spiritual needs for beauty, harmony, inspiration, order and peace. Some spiritual needs combine with physical needs. These needs include activity, exploration, orientation, order, becoming, belonging, repetition, precision, exactness, communication and imagination.

Needs create feelings and behaviors. The combination of these needs create tendencies for behavior and include as well as define other specific needs, such as acceptance and appreciation.

All of us share requirements to be involved in activities that meet our physical or spiritual needs. For example, our spiritual need to belong to our place and time, our families and our communities appears in our choices of dreams, goals and values. The need to belong affects our decisions about food, clothing, housing, marriage partners and on and on. The need to belong also encompasses our needs for acceptance, appreciation, celebration, consideration, emotional safety, honesty, love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship and more.

We could look at each of these needs---activity, exploration, orientation, order, becoming, belonging, repetition, precision, exactness, communication and imagination--and consider how each need drives our behavior. Taking the time to examine our personal connections between needs and behavior can help clarify the relationship between feelings and needs.

Feelings are need-driven as well. As we learn to communicate and accept our emotions, while understanding that our feelings are linked to our needs, we become emotionally responsible.

Once we connect our needs with our feelings, behaviors and actions, we start to take responsibility for our intentions and actions. We will also realize that we are not responsible for others' feelings. We may even experience anger as we no longer want to base our choices on avoiding someone's disappointment.

The end stage of emotional responsibility is emotional liberation, where we accept full responsibility for our personal emotions but not the feelings of others. We understand that we cannot meet our own needs at the expense of others.

Practice connecting needs with feelings and behavior by using this sentence:

I am (emotion) because I need or want (spiritual or physical need); therefore I choose to do (behavior).

For example: I am happy because I need harmony; therefore I choose to take a walk everyday. I feel frustrated because I want to have more time to exercise; therefore, I choose to wake up an hour early every day.

To create powerful communication, connect feelings with needs and choices for behavior.

Next week: When Needs Are Not Fulfilled

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing