Addressing Key Frustrations With Your Children

''If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?'' Erma Bombeck knew how to see the humor in day-to-day reality.

Maintaining a positive and forward-moving life is a challenge to say the least. Life has a way of helping us misplace our senses of humor in a hurry. Some days the sailing is smooth with fluffy breezes, while on others we might have to restrain ourselves from self-inflicted baldness.

In our efforts to fix problems, we might be best served by stepping back and examining our frustrations. Instead of trying to affix blame by saying, ''that's your fault,'' or ''that's my fault,'' we need to understand why the problem occurred. Let's ask instead, ''What is causing this frustration?''

Consider what is going on at the moment you feel frustrated, and jot it in a notebook. I used to keep a slip of paper in my pocket to capture those instances and then transfer my annoyances to a notebook. These incidents included people being late for appointments, telephone interruptions, spilled foods, children squabbling, stopping an activity to prepare snacks, etc. I'd record the day, time and event in my notebook, along with any other issues that I thought might be of value.

Noting these rough spots helped me ascertain the true causes and effects later, as a pattern began to emerge.

After noting problems for a couple of weeks I was able to determine the design of most of my frustrations. Looking at my notes I asked, ''Are certain events more common at a certain time of day, on specific days or with predictable people or activities?''

When I am able to pick out common elements and themes, it becomes clear what needs to change.

When my daughters were about three and four, one of my major frustrations was bedtime. Most nights the girls would go to bed without too many delays.

Except for the nights that my children seemed to have had a cup of espresso for dinner. There were tears about the lights being turned off. They needed a glass of water. Or to go to the bathroom. They were hungry. They wanted another story, another song, another prayer. They were too hot. Too cold. They couldn't find their teddy bear. They heard a strange noise. The neighbor's light bothered them. One of them hit the other one.

On those nights I didn't know what to do. Whatever I did, bedtime was anything but restful, and it felt like it was my fault. Surely, I was doing something wrong.

When I looked over my frustration notebook, I discerned a design. The nights that the girls were reluctant sleepers were the nights that their dad was out of town, back from a trip, had called to tell them goodnight or arrived home for the evening thirty minutes before bedtime. Ah! Hah! My daughters' nocturnal activities were directed towards trying to secure ''daddy time.''

Once I saw the pattern, I was able to anticipate my daughters' need for ''daddy time'' and work with my husband to coordinate phone calls and arrival times. On the nights my husband was out of town, the girls and I spent a few minutes drawing a picture for him, or I'd tell a special ''daddy'' story.

Looking in my notebook I found that my daughters' disruptions weren't their fault or my fault, or even my husband's fault. I discovered that if we couldn't have a bowl of cherries, we could have at least have a ''chair of bowlies.'' We didn't have to settle for the pits.

Next week: The Heart of Relationships: Effective Communication

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

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©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Power of Open-Ended Questions

In my July 23^rd column, What's Scary About School, I wrote about various situations to be aware of when dealing with your child's first days of school. A perceptive reader, Aleta Ledendecker, wrote:

''I so enjoy your weekly newsletters, but there was one line in this week's that concerned me. At the end, you mentioned asking if the child is afraid of going to school. I have found that once adults introduce that idea, it tends to grow. And for those parents who are feeling anxious themselves, this approach just opens the door for them to feed those anxieties to their children.

It would be so much better to advise parents to involve their child by asking more open-ended questions like your first example. Then, if the child expresses some fears, the parent can explore those along with ways to help alleviate them.''

Aleta's point is well taken. As adults we are the most significant part of a child's environment. Whether we are aware of it or not, our words, concerns and emotions are reflected into our children's world and absorbed at an unconscious level by the children.

We need to choose our words carefully and frame our questions even more so. Inadvertently we can plant ideas with our questions, and redirect or distort our children's attention and perception.

For example, consider these questions: ''How are you feeling? Are you sick? Do you have a stomachache?'' Which question is going to get correct feedback?

The open-ended question that requires more than a ''yes'' or ''no'' answer is more effective in getting accurate information.

Research shows that when asked a ''closed-response'' question, respondees will give a ''yes'' answer over 75 percent of the time. Nobody likes to say, ''no.''

People avoid saying ''no'' if at all possible. We give ''no'' answers to avoid self-incrimination or disappointing superiors. We can't depend on closed-response questions for insightful information. It seems to be in our best interests, parent and child, to learn how to ask effective open-ended questions.

Here are some examples of how to change a closed-response question to an open-ended question.

Closed: Did you hit your brother?

Open: Why is your brother crying? Tell me what happened.

Closed: Did you make this mess?

Open: What can you tell me about this spilled paint?

Closed: Did you take a bath?

Open: When were you planning on taking a bath?

Closed: Do you like going to school?

Open: What do you think about school? Tell me about school.

Open-ended questions can help give you information to uncover unobvious concerns you might have. Continue the conversation with probing questions using who, what, when, where, how and why.

When you need more than a ''yes'' or ''no'' answer, use open-ended questions to find out what your child is thinking, feeling or experiencing.

Thanks, Aleta.

Next week: Addressing Key Frustrations with Your Child

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Teaching Values

''Do you teach values?'' a telephone caller asked.

Back in the early 90's parents were upset that values were being taught in school. Controversy brewed and bubbled.

Do you teach values? The question caught me off guard. How can you not teach values, I thought, because of the very nature of values? Whether we are aware of it or not, we assign value to everything in our lives. What we prize the most, what we give the most time to or put the most money towards--those decisions create our values.

Values, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, are ''principles, standards or qualities considered worthwhile or desirable.'' As a verb, value can mean ''to rate according to a relative estimate of worth or desirability.''

It seems a logical conclusion that we have values because we rate some qualities higher than other qualities. We cannot not possess values.

Being aware of what we value highly can help us make informed decisions, be it a complicated moral decision or as simple as choosing what kind of ice cream we'll pick out of the freezer.

Many people see values tied to religion and are concerned that teaching values in our schools is the same as teaching religion.

At one time or another, consciously or unconsciously, most of us take the time to consider what is most precious to us and what items we can do without. In this thinking process we can assign value or importance to ideas, relationships or every item in our lives.

When we can articulate what we value the most, we empower ourselves to be more effective in our lives and relationships with others.

In Teaching Your Children Values Linda and Richard Eyre have a 12-month plan to introduce a principle every month. Each principle includes teaching methods to use with your preschooler, elementary-aged child or adolescent. The Eyres recommend discussing a specific value for each month of the year, then starting the process over again, as different circumstances will fuel the learning and discussion process each year.

The Eyres divide these 12 principles into two major categories: The Values of Being and the Values of Giving.

The Values of Being begin with the development of an internal quality or attitude that determines how we behave and interact with others. These principles include honesty, courage, peacefulness, self-reliance and potential, discipline and moderation, and fidelity and chastity.

The Values of Giving are qualities we offer to others and determine our character. Loyalty and dependability, respect, love, unselfishness and sensitivity, kindness and friendliness, and justice and mercy belong to this group of values.

The principles and teaching tools the Eyres recommend can act as a starting point in helping guide your children to understanding what they value in life. Perhaps working with your children on values will clarify your own beliefs.

Next week: The Power of Open-Ended Questions

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Relight the Candle

Five-year-old Tommy walked over to his mother, Judy. ''Write my name for me, Mommy.''

''Tommy, you know how to write your name.''

''But I don't 'member,'' he said.

Tommy's mother, Judy, phoned me, near tears, about this conversation. Judy's concern was that Tommy had forgotten something as seemingly simple as the three letters in Tom.

''What do you think? Should I call my pediatrician? Do you think Tom has brain damage from falling off his bicycle two weeks ago? Should we get an MRI? A CAT scan?''

''Judy,'' I said, ''I don't think there is probably anything serious going on. I think what you are seeing is a normal part of learning. The candle blew out. Tommy just needs to review and relearn how to write his name. It's very normal for children to forget things we think they have learned.''

As learning occurs we take in information though our senses and retrieve this information through the memory process. The first time we encounter information doesn't mean we'll remember or retain it. How many repetitions does it take to learn a new phone number?

(Safety note: Cell phones seem to make learning phone numbers obsolete. Every five-year-old should know by heart his or her address and key phone numbers: home, parent's work, grandparents, etc.)

Some of us can hear a number or look at it once and have it in firmly in memory. For others it may take over a hundred repetitions. Learning theory suggests that most learning requires two hundred or more repetitions.

The process of retrieving facts from memory after they have been learned is another obstacle to a person's performance.

For example, I used to know my chocolate chip cookie recipe without hesitation since I made them a couple of times a week. (Oops! My secret is out.) In the past three or four years, though, I've made a batch only once. As I pulled out the mixing bowl my mind went black. Use it or lose it, they say. How true it is for youngsters…and us older youngsters.

The more ways we can use information the better able we are to quickly access that information. When we can involve our hands in the memory and retrieval process, long-term learning is helped.

Repetition is a vital key to learning, and the young child before the age of six enjoys doing the same activity over and over. How many times can a three-year-old watch a favorite video? No number that large? Repetition is how the child creates memory and retrieval skills. Sameness creates a sense of order in the child's mind.

Children over the age of six are more adult-like in their learning and demand variety in the presentation of information being acquired. How many times do adults like to watch a movie?

Skill building weaves in and out of our memories, flickering at the flame of knowledge. At times due to factors in brain development not entirely understood, this flame grows faint or is extinguished. At these times we need to patiently present previously learned information to the child--perhaps dozens of times. At some point, the information will be firmly set in the child's mind and will be remembered and easily retrieved.

The thousands of skills your child is acquiring take hundreds of repetitions each to become well established in the mind. Knowledge and skills will come and go as these hundreds of thousands of repetitions occur. Be patient and kind, and relight the candle. Make sure you have a big box of matches.

Next week: Teaching Values

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Stuck With a Problem? SOAR

At times we seem to be ensconced in recalcitrant situations. We try to move forward, and our strategy doesn't work. We resolve to get our two-year-old to stop biting. Our ten-year old forgets to clean his room--every Saturday. Our fourteen-year-old refuses to go to church. Whatever we do to encourage or cajole our children into compliance, well, nothing seems to change except our blood pressure.

As we work through problems with our children, let's remember to include our children in the process. Let's ''work with'' our children instead of trying to ''do to'' our children with quick-fix manipulations or techniques.

As we consider a situation that needs a remedy, let's try to SOAR. SOAR stands for: Situation. Obstacle. Action. Results.

Look at the Situation. Six-year-old Emily can't seem to find her shoes in the morning, thus making the rest of the Decker family late and grumpy getting out the door, creating tension and tears.

Obstacles to Solution. Here are some obstacles Emily's family had in this situation: too many places in the house for shoes to hide; Emily's inflexibility about wearing other shoes; Emily's ten-year-old brother Tim's delight in hiding the shoes; Emily’s being oblivious of where she removes her shoes.

Actions Taken. Various actions used in trying to solve the situation follow: Emily's parents encouraged Emily to put her shoes in her room; asked Emily to be more flexible about which shoes she wears; designated a special place in the kitchen for Emily's shoes; and requested Tim not to joke around by hiding Emily's shoes.

Results. Even with the actions mentioned above, Emily can't find her shoes, or other vital objects, three out of five mornings. Yelling ensues; Tim and Emily are late for school and/or forget their lunches due to the stress.

What became evident to Bob and Marge in the SOAR process was that the problem was not Emily and her shoes. The overriding problem Bob and Marge discovered was that the peace and love within their family were being eroded.

Bob and Marge's next step was to call a family meeting to problem solve with Tim and Emily using a five-step format.

Step 1. Recognizing that you have a problem.

Step 2. Identifying the problem.

Marge and Bob recognized and identified a problem using SOAR. Bob and Marge started the family meeting with a simple statement: ''We think we have a problem that needs some solving. This is how we see the problem. We want our mornings to be peaceful and loving so that we all leave for school and work without feeling edgy and upset. Do you see this as a problem too? How can we make our mornings more peaceful?''

Step 3. Brainstorming for solutions. The Deckers came up with ideas such as getting up 10 minutes earlier, putting out clothes the night before, going to bed earlier, banning practical jokes in the morning and being committed to calm mornings.

Step 4. Choosing the best solution. The Deckers decided that most of their headaches were due to clothing issues, so they decided to work on getting clothes ready the night before.

Step 5. Is it working? Each day the Deckers recorded on their calendar a ''P'' for Peaceful or a ''T'' for Tense. After a week the Deckers could see that their plan was working and made refinements as needed.

The Deckers didn't let a bad situation get them down. They SOARed by looking at the situation, obstacles, actions and results they had already obtained to help them discover a larger problem. Bob and Marge included their children in problem solving, brainstorming to find solutions, choosing the best solution as a family and then implementing and monitoring their solution.

Next week: Relight the Candle

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing