The Heart of Relationships: Effective Communication

To know who our children really are, we need to observe our children at work and play. J. Krishnamurti, the Indian philosopher, wrote that the highest form of human intelligence is observing without evaluating.

The more I observe, the more I understand Krishnamurti. Observation and evaluation serve us best as separate activities. Observing people's behavior and keeping the observation free of the evaluating components of judgment, criticism and psychoanalysis can be challenging to say the least. Some might say impossible.

Observing the child having a temper tantrum, we tend to think and judge: My, what an awful child. Criticism enters: Why don't the parents do something? Analysis begins: Poor child. Not enough sleep or adult guidance. A good snack and a nap will fix that.

Even if we can avoid judging, criticizing or analyzing, other tendencies creep into our observations. Labeling and classification begin with thoughts such as, Oh, that child's trouble, is spoiled rotten, has bad parents, needs medication, should see a doctor, and on and on.

Name-calling and pigeonholing, though, doesn't help the child or strengthen our relationships. One of the inherent problems with language is the difficulty we have in making words represent a world of change, growth, processes and other dynamic functions. With every experience, we are all changing. How can our thinking and language embrace that change?

Observing while withholding evaluation aids us in finding the complexity in situations, as well as understanding the inadequacy of language to define a constantly changing reality. Language limits our perception of the whole child, the whole person and the whole world.

As we observe we need to train ourselves to be aware of how language, a static process in a dynamic activity, makes it easy to judge, criticize and analyze others' behaviors. Unfortunately, recipients usually perceive our name-calling and labeling as critical and judgmental, and not as an offer of help or guidance.

The words, always, never, every, whenever, as well as frequently and seldom, exaggerate a situation and create defensiveness in the listener while confusing observation and evaluation within the speaker. A few examples follow:

Evaluation: He always throws a fit.

Observation: This past Wednesday, Thursday and Friday evenings, for about ten minutes before dinner, he has lain on the floor, cried and kicked his feet.

Evaluation: His parents never make him behave.

Observation: On two occasions I saw him throw books off the shelves with no interference from his father.

Evaluation: He is just hungry and overtired.

Observation: He didn't eat any lunch and was up at 5:30 this morning.

To communicate effectively and understand how to strengthen a relationship, practice observing behavior without evaluation. Edit out the judging, criticism, analyzing, name-calling and labeling that prevent honest expression and compassionate listening, the two key components to effective communication. The heart of our relationships lies in our ability to communicate honestly and with compassion.

Next week: Communicating Emotions

A Note From Maren About Effective Communication

For over four years, I have written Kids Talk™ as a weekly newspaper column and e-newsletter.

The name, Kids Talk, came from my desire to help adults understand what children need, if only children could express those needs clearly.

When we, as adults, seek to understand our children, we must begin by observing their behavior. We then look for feelings. We anticipate needs. We respect the requests of our children, who in every culture and generation have said, ''Help me help myself.''

At the center of most of our problems today--within ourselves, our families, our businesses, our countries and our world--is ineffective communication. Experts who study and practice effective communication for years find themselves in the middle of misunderstandings. The challenge is immense.

The following four keys to understanding comprise the fundamental components of effective communication, the heart of all relationships.

1) Observation of behavior
2) Searching for feelings
3) Anticipating needs
4) Respecting requests

Over the next nine weeks, Kids Talk will focus on the skills needed for effective communication. Many of these ideas won't be new to you, as in some way or another these concepts comprise the Kids Talk underlying theme.

My undergraduate degree was in Interpersonal and Organizational Communication, and over the years I've enlarged my understanding of communication techniques and tools through my work with children and their families. I've used ideas from Carl Rogers to Mr. Rogers, Active Parenting, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, What Do you Really Want For Your Children and Dale Carnegie's How To Make Friends and Influence People, to only name a few.

These articles draw heavily from Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Rosenberg writes that the language and communication skills given in his book are nothing new. We've known this information for centuries. We need to be reminded of what we already know.

Effective communication, nonviolent communication, compassionate communication, active communication--whatever we wish to call it--is essential to the health of our families, and thus to our world.

''We must be the change we wish to see in the world,'' is often quoted from Gandhi. To change the world, we must begin with ourselves. I urge you to read, learn and share this series of articles and to incorporate effective communication into your life everyday. My job is to remind you, and me, of what we already know.

Let us begin!

References:

Carnegie, Dale. How To Win Friends and Influence People. Simon and Schuster. New York. 1936, 1981.

Covey, Stephen. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Simon and Schuster. New York. 1989.

Dyer, Wayne, What Do You Really Want For Your Children. HarperCollins. New York. 1985.

Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Avon Books. New York. 1980.

Petersen, James C. Why Don't We Listen Better? Petersen Publications. Portland, Oregon. 2007.

Popkin, Michael. Active Parenting. Active Parenting, Inc. Atlanta. 1983.

Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press. Encinitas, CA. 2003.

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2008 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing