Ten Conversations

A small red book I purchased last year holds a lot of wise parenting advice. Shmuley Boteach in his book, 10 Conversations You Need To Have With Your Children, tells us about essential and ongoing chats we should have with our children.

Boteach, a rabbi, host of The Learning Channel's Shalom in the Home and father to eight children, recommends these conversations as vehicles to help our children see the critical decisions that they unconsciously make everyday with their actions and words.

Boteach urges parents to find creative ways to communicate with children who may be increasingly unwilling to engage in conversation. Boteach says our job as parents is not to impose our will on the child, but to help our child listen to his or her own inner voice. Our job is to inspire.

These conversations are designed to challenge and invigorate our children to think about who they are and who they want to be. Boteach's well-framed questions can help us show our children the moral choices they make with their behavior. With this awareness of moral choice, a child gains courage to follow a path that he or she knows is the right one.

Boteach sees childhood as the critical foundation of a person's life. He tells us why our children must fully live as children: ''A person who was truly a child first, a person who experienced life as something wonderful and awe-inspiring, takes that with him into adulthood.''

Seeing life as an adventuresome miracle is the gift of a happy childhood. Boteach believes every child has a right to a happy childhood in order to create a healthy adult.

In addition, Boteach asks us to be more concerned with our children's intellectual curiosity than with grades. Intellectual curiosity is the essence of a good life. Boredom is a curse. A long-term conversation we must have with our children centers around the question, ''Do you want to know?''

In each of the ten chapters of his book, Rabbi Boteach distills a powerful question for us to think about and to use to engage our children in a life-affirming discussion.

Bestowing dignity on others. Honoring the feminine. Why forgiveness is essential. The significance of family relationships and traditions. Love as the most powerful force in the universe. The destructive ability of fear. The place of God in our lives, no matter what our faith. Deciding who you want to be. The might of knowledge and inspiration. Internalizing the magic of childhood.

We need to be prepared to start these discussions at any time and at any place the opportunity may arise because these ten topics organize the thoughts that make us human. These are the chats that help our children chart the way to a life well-lived.

A little red book. Ten conversations. A book I might keep on my nightstand for years. Because the conversations should never stop.

Next week: Santa: Making the Invisible Visible

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Use Advent Celebrations to Teach Patience

The holiday season is officially here. For the three- to seven-year-olds in our lives, the excitement and anticipation of holiday events can be excruciating. Developmentally, children of this age don't have a solid concept of time. Today, tomorrow, next month, next year, in five days--these are abstract ideas to our youngsters.

Waiting for Christmas when the tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving, well, is difficult. Tension builds until it's almost impossible for children to stay in control of themselves. No wonder for the holiday song, You'd Better Watch Out!

One tradition that can help build a sense of time and understanding of the Christmas holidays is the celebration of Advent. Advent begins four Sundays before Christmas and continues through Christmas Day. This year Advent begins December 3.

Activities using Advent candles and an Advent calendar provide a method for a daily countdown of the season.

Many people use five different colored Advent candles, each candle representing a weekly aspect of the Nativity, such as the prophets, angels, shepherds and wise men. A circular arrangement of a gold, white, green and blue candles with a red candle in the center form the Advent wreath. Every night the candle for the week is lit, along with the previous weeks' candles. After the candles are lit, a Bible verse and hymns or carols are sung. Part of the celebration includes changing the date on the Advent calendar and selecting a surprise treat.

There are many versions of the Advent calendar, from intricate handmade versions with pockets to hold surprises for each day to a simple paper calendar. Traditionally, the pocket of the calendar held a small goody such as a coin, a piece of candy or a marble. Our family enjoyed handwritten slips of paper in the pockets with suggestions such as make some popcorn, bake some banana bread for the neighbors, play a board game, call grandparents or watch It's a Wonderful Life. A paper calendar works well by adding a sticker to each day and selecting a surprise from a gift bag.

The daily celebration of Advent takes only a few minutes: the time needed to light candles, read a passage of scripture, sing songs, change the calendar, select a treat and extinguish the candles.

Here is a brief outline of Advent celebrations. Since young children love repetition, read the same Bible verse for a week. Older children may enjoy reading the verse as their part of the celebration.

Advent Sunday: The Prophets

Light gold candle, read Isaiah 9:2-7, sing O Come O Come Emmanuel, change calendar.

Second Sunday: The Angels

Light gold and white candles, read Luke 2:8-14, sing It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, change calendar.

Third Sunday: The Shepherds

Light gold, white and green candles, read Luke 2:15-20, sing While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks, change calendar.

Fourth Sunday: The Wisemen

Light gold, white, green and blue candles, read Matthew 2:1-12, sing We Three Kings, change calendar.

Christmas Day: Jesus

Light gold, white, green, blue and red candles, read Luke 2:1-20, sing Joy to The World.

(Word of caution: Please treat matches and lit candles with care. Keep matches out of children's reach, and place candles away from flammable objects.)

A daily celebration of Advent can help your children learn about waiting and anticipation in a beautiful and meaningful way. Happy holidays!

Next week: Ten Conversations

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Fears of the Young Child

Fear, sadness and anger are three of the most difficult emotions for children, and adults for that matter, to learn to manage. These emotions are interrelated in that fear can be the core emotion behind anger and sadness.

Children need to be able to modulate their emotions in order to focus their attention, to concentrate, to learn and to read other people's non-verbal cues--body language, facial expressions and social cues.

John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, says that there are six major fears that can create obstacles to development in young children, ages 4 to 7 years.

Fear of Powerlessness. The young child is learning how to take care of his or her own needs. Dressing oneself, preparing simple snacks, tying shoes and leaving home to go to pre-school or elementary school are some of the many activities that help young children increase their influence over themselves and their environment. In short, these tasks help the child gain personal power.

Every activity that we can help our young child do without assistance creates a feeling of strength and diminishes fears of powerlessness.

Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to the young child. Provide encouragement and understanding: It's tricky to zip your coat by yourself. Offer assistance only when needed: May I help you zip your jacket?

Fear of Abandonment. Children strive towards independence, but emotionally children know they are dependent on their parents for food, shelter, clothing and love. The fear of losing one's parents is primal, and the younger child sees no humor about ''being sold to the gypsies.'' The older child of eight to twelve confronts this fear with stories where parents are out of the picture, from Hansel and Gretel to Harry Potter.

Fear of the Dark. In many ways fear of the dark relates to the fears of powerlessness and abandonment. In the dark we are vulnerable and alone. As a child, for me it was comforting to see the light shine under my bedroom door and listen to the classical music playing in my room. The light and sound meant my parents were awake and watching over me.

Fear of Bad Dreams. Young children have difficulty distinguishing dreams from reality. A dream, a television show or movie is perceived at the emotional level as an actual event. Many nightmares relate back to a child's fears of powerlessness and abandonment.

Comfort a terrified youngster by holding the child close and telling him or her that the dream is not true. Ask the child to tell you the dream, and try to connect the dream to the fears a child may have about powerlessness and abandonment. Monsters under the bed can make anyone feel alone and powerless.

Fear of Parental Conflict. Seeing the fears of being powerless and abandoned through a child's eyes, discord between mom and dad takes on a new dimension. Children feel powerless to affect change and worry that one or both parents may leave. Learn effective ways to handle disagreements with your partner. Seeing their parents hug in forgiveness comforts children in a way that words cannot.

Fear of Death. Young children know about death and will ask direct questions. Be prepared to give honest answers. Acknowledge the child's sadness and loss and offer comfort with hugs and words. Being open to your child's concerns about death will help keep lines of communication open for other feelings and concerns.

Fear is an important emotion for human survival, as the world can be a dangerous place. We should be careful not to let fear become an irrational response to an imaginary threat. For real danger we need to show our children how to respond with calculated caution.

When your child tells you he or she is afraid, be alert for these six fears. Brainstorm with your child ways to cope with his or her emotions. Be empathetic. Talk about strategies for coping with and preventing a feared situation. Look behind a statement to see the underlying emotion.

And you might leave the hall light on and check under the bed.

Next week: Using Advent to Teach Patience

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Making Dinnertime Enjoyable

''What's your most difficult time of day?'' I asked Sue and Bob, parents of three children under the age of six. They had requested a conference for advice about table manners.

''Dinnertime,'' Sue answered without hesitation. ''Definitely dinnertime. It's crazy. The kids are up and down. They don't eat what I've fixed. It's a zoo, and I feel like we're not doing anything right.''

''Besides eating what do you hope to accomplish at dinnertime?'' I asked.

Bob gave me a blank look and then grinned. ''I hadn't thought about it like that. We're trying to do a lot, aren't we?''

Teaching manners, prayers, thankfulness, trying new foods, fostering family communication and establishing a family ritual of being together were important items for Bob and Sue. No wonder they felt overwhelmed by ''table manners.''

My next request was: ''Describe your perfect family dinner.''

Sue shook her head. ''This is going to sound far-fetched, but it's like we're at an elegant restaurant. Soft lights, candles, classical music in the background, pretty linens and dishes, flowers on the table and interesting conversation. Everyone is smiling and says the food is delicious. And I'm not stuck with cleaning up.''

Bob chuckled. ''I'm lower maintenance. I'd love to have dinner without raising my voice. If we could have Sue's dream, I'd say that would be perfect.''

''Now we have the big picture of what you want. Let's break it into manageable steps and design a six-week action plan,'' I told them.

Here is Sue and Bob's plan. It's more ambitious than most of us would consider, but I hope you'll see a parenting tool.

Week One: Set the mood with lighting, music and conversation

Sue and Bob called a family meeting to discuss their desire to change dinnertime. They asked Ben, 5 1/2, Sarah, 4, and Luke, 2 1/2, for things they enjoyed and didn't enjoy about dinnertime. The main complaints were not having enough warning to get ready and that it was boring. They decided to dim the lights in the house and play soft music fifteen minutes before dinner was to be ready. This was a cue to get washed up and set the table. On Saturday morning, when things were not rushed, Sue and Bob showed the children how to set the table. They moved dishes, silverware and placemats, so the children could reach them. Sue and Bob planned to tell a story about their day or childhood.

Week Two: Focus on prayer and thankfulness

Sue put a candle that wouldn't tip easily near the table and lit it after everyone was seated. The candle became the signal for prayer and stillness. The answering machine kept the phone from interrupting dinner. Sue or Bob blew out the candle to conclude mealtime, which served as a sign for everyone to thank the cook.

Week Three: Flowers, trying new food and not complaining

Sue purchased five small vases and silk flowers. At family meeting, they made flower arrangements. The vases became part of each place setting and served as a reminder to try each dish without complaining and to be thankful. Sue included raw vegetables with dip at every dinner per the children's request. After the candle was blown out, the children could fix a peanut butter sandwich if they were still hungry.

Week Four: Learning to clean up

This week the children were shown how to carry dishes and put them in the dishwasher, practicing with clean dishes. Bob supervised the dishwasher as the children cleared the table. Sue promised to stay calm if a dish broke.

Week Five: Additional clean up

Sue and Bob showed the children how to wipe off the table, sweep under the table and tuck in the chairs. Sue found a child-sized broom and dustpan and cut sponges in half to be the right size for small hands to squeeze dry.

Week Six: At last!

Dinnertime was going so well, Bob and Sue wondered why they had been upset about it. ''Everything is not perfect,'' Sue confessed. ''We give 'friendly reminders' and re-teach if someone forgets something. The nights that Bob is out of town are harder.'' Bob added, ''The kids are great. They know what we expect, and they try hard to do it. It can fall apart, though, if they're tired or sick. We feel so successful that we've started a plan for bath and bedtime."'

Even if Sue and Bob's dinner plans are too elaborate for you, I hope you can use this tool to change challenging situations. To plan change: Step back and get the big picture of what's important to you. Make an action plan with family input. Share the plan with all family members. Be clear about expectations. Realize that some steps in your plan may take weeks. Have fun as you implement your plan and make adjustments when something doesn't work. You'll be able to turn screams into dreams.

Next week: Fears of Children

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a FREE subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing