Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

''For whatever reasons my eight-year-old, Eric, is critical of everything his younger siblings do. Eric tells his sister that her coloring stinks. He tells his brother that his handwriting is messy. Last night Eric burst into tears because the peas touched his mashed potatoes. Nothing seems to make him happy right now,'' Michael told me. ''How can I fix it?''

''You can't fix it, Michael,'' I replied.

''What? There must be something I can do,'' Michael said.

''Of course, there's something you can do. But you need to involve Eric in the process. Don't try to fix Eric. Work with Eric to see what he is feeling and thinking.''

I explained to Michael a probing technique taught to me by a philosopher friend called ''The Five Why's.'' Dr. Carey maintained that if we asked ''why'' five times we could discover the root cause of a problem or a core value inherent in a situation.

Michael and I role-played for a few minutes with the five why's. I encouraged Michael to talk to Eric privately to get at the root of Eric's criticisms. Michael and Eric's conversation went something like this:

''Eric, why did you tell your sister that her coloring was messy?''

''Well, Dad, it is messy.''

''Why do you think it is messy? Show me what you mean.''

''Here, Dad. See, she colored way outside the lines. And there are scribbles everywhere.''

''Why do you think she needs to color her pictures your way?''

''Because when she gets to third grade, her teacher will make her do it over. And she will have to stay in at recess and do her work over.''

''Why do you think it is not okay to do your work over, Eric?''

''If you do work over you miss recess, and the teacher looks at you funny. And,'' Eric burst into tears, ''your friends think you are a dork.''

In only four why's Michael began to get a picture about the root cause of Eric's negative and critical behavior towards his siblings. Eric felt overwhelmed by the standards set by his third-grade teacher.

In the spirit of ''working with'' Eric instead of trying to ''fix'' Eric, Michael asked, ''Eric, how can I help you with your situation at school?''

Eric told his dad that he didn't need any help at school. ''I can handle it, Dad,'' he said.

''Okay, then. But Eric, I want you to know that I am always here to help you when and if you need it.

''Sure, Dad.''

''How can I help you be kinder to your brother and sister, since they're not in third grade yet?''

''Gosh, Dad,'' Eric began to grin through his sniffles. ''Just remind me that they're not in third grade yet.''

Use the five why's to work with your child to discover the root of a problem. Remember to work with children, and resist the urge to fix a situation.

Next week: There Is No Quick Fix

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
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©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Turning Fear Into Love

Fear is a powerful motivator and behavior modifier. Fear, though, does not promote growth. Fear doesn't promote kindness, caring or compassion in ourselves. Fear doesn't open our hearts to new experiences. Fear doesn't connect us to other people.

What is the opposite of fear?

Love.

The opposite of love is not hate, but fear. Hate refers to a strong preference. When we dislike something we say, ''I hate broccoli.'' When we prefer something above all else, we say we ''love it.'' ''I love butter pecan ice cream. I hate bumble gum ice cream.'' In other instances when we use the word hate, we should perhaps substitute the word fear. ''I fear war.''

The word love is used in two basic ways: to express preference and to express an ability to be open and accepting of a person, place, thing or situation.

With love we accept the entire experience of a relationship. A horse-loving friend embraces the ups and downs of owning a horse. Danielle rides everyday. She sings ''What A Beautiful Morning'' mucking the stall. Horse smells invigorate her. Money spent on her mare, Misty, is never wasted. Two hours spent brushing Misty fly. With her horse, Danielle takes the good with the bad, and doesn't worry about getting kicked or thrown. Danielle understands the nature of horses, is cautious and aware, but not fearful.

Danielle's sister, Martha, on the other hand, appreciates her sister's horse, but Martha doesn't care to be involved in any aspect of being with a horse. Martha is not open to the horse experience. She considers horses to be dirty and smelly, and a drain on finances and time. Because a horse kicked a friend, Martha fears being hospitalized by a horse.

Danielle wanted to share her love of horses with Martha and to help Martha lose her fear. Danielle convinced Martha to help groom Misty. At first Martha was hesitant about touching Misty, but after a few visits, Martha was bringing carrots and braiding Misty's mane. As Martha's experience and knowledge increased, her fearfulness diminished, and she began to seek out new experiences with Misty and Danielle. Martha found that facing her fears helped her feel more courageous in other aspects of her life. Martha attributed her connection to Misty as the impetus for a balloon ride and deciding to go to grad school.

Fear causes us to withdraw from life. As Franklin D. Roosevelt said in his first inaugural address, ''…let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself--nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.''

Being open to the experiences a relationship has to offer, having realistic expectations by seeing the positive with the negative of the situation and serving the needs of others are expressions of love.

In St. Paul's famous letter to the Corinthians, he tells us:

''Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…''

Substitute fear for love and Paul's passage might read like this: Fear is impatient, fear is not kind and is jealous; fear brags and is arrogant, and acts unbecomingly. It seeks its own, is easily provoked, takes into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in righteousness, but mocks the truth; fear destroys all things, believes in nothing, hopes for nothing, endures nothing. Fear always fails...''

When we are afraid, let us gain the necessary knowledge and experience in order to transform fear into love. It is in facing our fears that we look into the eyes of love.

Let us show our children how to turn away from fear and towards love, knowing that love never fails.

Next week: The Five Why’s

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Using the Thinking Hats

Some women get rocks set into precious metals for anniversaries, birthdays or Christmas. I get books.

Twenty years ago, my husband presented me with a jewel of a book for Christmas. I've used this gift to teach thinking skills to children and adults. The title? Six Thinking Hats by Edward De Bono.

De Bono, the creator of Lateral Thinking, uses the idea of six colored hats to represent the viewpoints needed for effective problem solving.

Pretending to wear colored hats permits us to role-play and remove our egos from the situation. Using the idea of the hats directs our attention to the critical aspects of a discussion. The hats create a convenient way to switch gears within a group, as the hats act as a tool to ask others to shift their thinking in specific ways.

Learning to use the six thinking hats helps us become more flexible and control moods. In the game of thinking, the hats give us a plan to map out the realities and possibilities of a situation.

White Hat Thinking is concerned with facts and figures and looks at the available data, past trends and holes in information.

Red Hat Thinking suggests emotions and takes in regard how we ''feel'' about the situation in regards to intuition, gut reactions and emotions.

Putting on the Black Hat takes the ''gloom and doom'' view of the pessimist and asks why something might not work and what might go wrong.

The optimistic aspects and outcomes of the situation are considered in Yellow Hat Thinking, focusing on sunny and positive forecasts.

Green Hat Thinking finds fresh ideas and solutions using creativity and alternative methods, while reminding us that the grass always looks greener on the other side.

The Blue Hat governs the process of thinking. True blue and cool blue come to mind when we ask the right questions, define a problem and set the thinking tasks. In a group someone must wear the Blue Hat all the time or put on the Blue Hat to redirect the process.

Let's take a problem using the hats to think through a situation. Twelve-year-old Tom has asked for a family meeting because he is missing $15.00 from his room.

Dad asks for everyone to put on Blue Hats to define the problem, which follows: Tom wants to figure out where the $15.00 went and how to keep his valuables safe.

Dad volunteers to wear the Blue Hat for this meeting. To gather pertinent facts, Dad asks for White Hat thinking. They discover that Tom's ten-year-old brother, Bobby, let a friend go into Tom's room during a sleepover. At that time, Bobby hadn't seen any money. Tom went to the mall on Friday. Did he take the money with him?

Red Hat Thinking is Dad's next request. Tom says he is mad that someone came into his room and that Bobby didn’t watch his guest more closely. Mom said she felt that the money might be in the room somewhere, perhaps behind the dresser.

With her Black Hat on, Mom said perhaps we shouldn't have friends over. Dad said the worst is that we might not trust each other. Bobby said we might falsely accuse a friend of stealing.

Using Yellow Hat Thinking, the family thought they might find the money. The idea of being more careful with money was considered. They discussed off-limit rules for friends and locking bedroom doors.

With the Green Hat the family explored the possibilities of getting a safe, keeping all money in the bank and using ATM cards.

After the Six Hat session, Tom realized he needed to lock up his valuables and not leave cash in full view. Bobby realized he shouldn't allow his friends into Tom's room. Mom offered to take Tom and Bobby to the bank to set up accounts. Bobby offered to ask his friend if he had seen any money in Tom's room. Dad offered to help Tom look in his room for the money. By the way, the money was behind the dresser.

Using Six Thinking Hats allowed Tom's family to look at a situation in a calm, organized way while exploring different viewpoints, along with planning for the short and long term.

Next week: Turning Fear Into Love

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Giving Sincere Praise

One of the formative experiences of my early twenties was taking the Dale Carnegie Course in Public Speaking and Human Relations. Each class we focused on a tenet of Carnegie's philosophy, one of which is to give sincere, honest appreciation.

But giving honest and sincere appreciation can be a difficult skill to master. Some compliments come across as hints to past mishaps. Someone saying, ''You look pretty in that outfit,'' can give the fleeting thought of what might have been left unspoken, such as, ''...not like the outfit you had on yesterday.''

A compliment can sound manipulative. ''You really do an outstanding job cooking wonderful dinners,'' can contain a hidden message of ''…and I think I can get out of helping clean up the kitchen and ever preparing a meal myself if I lay the charm on thick.''

Praise can sound overly enthusiastic. ''You're just a wonderful artist. Your stuff should hang in the Louvre,'' may communicate that the speaker wants to push us in a direction we don't care to go.

How can we give sincere, honest appreciation? Dale Carnegie suggested that we bring with us some basic attitudes such as being genuinely interested in other people, smiling, remembering that a person's name is the sweetest sound in any language, being a good listener, talking in terms of the other person's interests instead of your own and making the other person feel important.

We can give a sincere compliment by describing instead of evaluating. Evaluating type of praise is when we put a value on a something. ''That is so beautiful. You're so good. That's better than yesterday.''

Descriptive compliments describe what you see, what you feel and then use a word that sums up the entire experience.

Let's use the example of a child cleaning up his or her room. A descriptive compliment might go like this:

Describe what you see. Susan, I see all your books on your shelves. I see all your clothes put away. I see your bed is nice and neat.

Describe what you feel. Susan, it feels wonderful to walk into such an organized room.

Sum up the experience with a word. You worked to get your room looking just so. Susan, that's what I’d call persistence.

A descriptive compliment is effective in communicating that we have taken a genuine interest in our children's efforts. When the descriptive compliment includes a smile, the person's name several times and a one-word summary of the experience, we help our children feel important and part of our families. (P.S. Descriptive compliments work at the office, with spouses and with other family members.)

Anybody can say, ''Good job!'' It takes a few minutes of thought and genuine interest to show sincere appreciation.

Be prepared for a lot of repetition of any activity that you praise. Be careful to not compliment something that you do not want repeated. Saying, ''You can really play that xylophone,'' might lead to a weeklong marathon playing of ''Hot Cross Buns.''

Sincere appreciation is powerful. Handle with care.

Next week: Using the Thinking Hats

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Be the Storyteller of Your Child's Special Moments

Erle Stanley Gardner. Agatha Christie. Dick Francis. I've always loved reading mysteries, and I've read so many that I can usually guess ''who dunnit.''

In my late teens I took a writing seminar with a mystery writer. My first question to her was ''Do you know the ending when you start writing?'' She laughed and said the only way you can write a mystery is to know the ending before you start. Mystery stories, the author told me, are written backwards. You have to know how they end.

Our children though do not have the imaginations or experience to see how their stories are going to end. Our children have no idea of how their little adventures will fit together to create a big story. As parents and as adults in a child's life, we are the keepers of those special moments. We have the job of helping our children see who they are and who they can be. Our job is to tell stories that make life less a mystery and more an adventure.

It is in the telling and retelling of stories that help our children learn to use their imaginations to see how their story might end. We need to tell anecdotes not just about our children but also about the world around them.

It's our choice. We can either tell the stories that help our children see themselves as courageous, caring and responsible human beings, or we can tell them other kinds of stories where the endings are not as hopeful. Or we can choose to be silent.

It's easy to let the positive stories about our children slip away. Yet, there are tales everyday that can be told and tales that our children need to hear.

Our nighttime ritual when the girls were pre-schoolers was for me to tell them the story of our day. It was a perfect time to recount the positive events of the day. I'd start our story of the day with getting out of bed, having breakfast, getting ready for school, the car ride to school, riding home from school, lunch, the books we read in the afternoon, snacks, dinner and getting ready for bed. It was an ideal opportunity to interject events that stood out.

I'd describe what I'd seen, how I felt and try to sum it up with a word.

''Dana had her shoes and coat on and was helping Hannah as I walked downstairs this morning. It felt good to be ready to go to school a little early this morning. Dana was really organized this morning, wasn't she?''

''Kitty and Nicole came over to play. Dana pushed Kitty in the swing and showed her how to pump her legs. Hannah helped get snacks ready for everybody. I think you were both kind and considerate.''

''Hannah set the table for dinner. Placemats, napkins, forks, knives, spoons, plates and water glasses. It felt good to see the table ready for dinner. Hannah did a lot of work.''

Our children do not have the imagination and experience to know what actions they are doing that will help them become a bigger better person. They do not know enough to imagine were they should be or could be headed. The world will tell our children what's wrong with them. Our job is to let our children know what is right with them. Tell your children how each special moment ends. Don't let it be a mystery.

Next week: Giving Sincere Praise

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing