Helping Children Learn to Apologize

Injury occurs one of two ways: accidentally or intentionally. We need to help our children be prepared to deal with the inevitable in their lives. Accidents do happen, and we need to show them the way to make amends when things have gone wrong. We need to teach these skills, though, beforehand versus after the fact.

Accidents hurt as much as an intentional wound. When we are involved in an accident, or regrettable incident, all parties have responsibilities to each other. The people who are injured, if possible, need to let the others involved know that they are injured and communicate what needs to be done to remedy the damage, as it may not be readily apparent. The accident victim needs to say for example, ''I hurt my knee. Can you get me a bandage?''

When a child's actions cause an accident, we need to coach the child to offer an apology. By ignoring the incident and not apologizing, our children need to understand that they run the risk of people thinking that they acted on purpose. The sooner an apology is offered, the better.

Between the ages of three to six, children are in a critical period for learning social skills, so showing them how to apologize can be done in a matter-of-fact way.

An apology consists of four steps. First, say you're sorry. Secondly, ask how to help the other person get back to normal or feel better. Then offer to change behavior, so the incident doesn't reoccur. Finally, ask for the apology to be accepted. A sincere apology might sound like this:

''I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to run into you. Are you hurt? How can I help you? I'll be more careful about where I'm going. Will you accept my apology?''

Being accidentally hurt by a person who expresses concern about you can be forgiven and forgotten. Most of the hurts of a three to six-year-old are accidental.

Unfortunately, we also need to show our children how to apologize for those incidents where they acted out of anger or hurtful intentions. The format of the apology is the same as the one used for accidents. For regrettable incidents, sometimes a cooling off period must occur between the event and the apology. Forcing our children to say they are sorry when they are not does not help our children become better people.

A child may not honestly be able to say he or she is sorry about hurting another person. But perhaps the child can speak the truth by saying that he or she is sorry about hitting or name-calling. The three-year-old who has knocked down a playmate who took his toy might be coached to say something like this:

''I apologize for pushing you down. I didn't like that you had my toy. Next time I will try to tell you that I want my toy. What can I do to make you feel better? Will you accept my apology?''

By giving small ''what if?'' lessons to our young children, we can help them begin to develop lifelong interpersonal skills. These lessons can take only a few minutes as we propose certain predicaments:

What if you accidentally knocked your sister down while you were running in the backyard? What would you do?

What if your friend came over and played with your favorite toy? What would you do?

What if you got upset and hit a friend? What would you do?

What if a friend hit you? What would you do?

Taking a few minutes to teach our children how to apologize and anticipate potential conflict will help them learn how to right some of the wrongs in their lives.

Next week: Be the Storyteller of Your Child's Special Moments

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

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©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Helping Your Child Change Self-Perception

Labels. We all are labeled by the roles we play or how others perceive us.

On the day we are born, the labeling begins: ''He looks just like his daddy. She's an angel. He's a handful. She's fussy. He's scatterbrained. She has no patience. He's greedy.''

Names and adjectives are used to describe children and tend to reinforce roles that become difficult for our children shed.

Joey, whose mother tells him almost everyday that he'd lose his head if it weren't attached, sees himself as forgetful. The ten or twenty responsible and attentive actions Joey performs each day are never mentioned. Joey's mother makes forgetting to take out the garbage into a national incident. Joey sees himself as an ''air-brain'' and the self-fulfilling prophecy begins.

How we view our children can influence the way they see themselves and can affect their behavior. Mysteriously, whether we are seen in a positive or negative light, we can be cast in a lifetime role that may be very difficult to change. The good big brother may never be able to express anger or set personal limits on others' requirements from him. The temperamental little sister may always get her way by pouting, even when she's 45 years old. The humorous child or class clown may never learn how to express painful feelings or ask for emotional support. The popular child may not develop the backbone to take an opposing view or stand up for his or her rights.

Take a few minutes and think if there is a role into which your child may have been cast, either at home or school, by friends or relatives.

1. What are those roles?

2. What are the positive aspects of the role?

3. How would you like your child to think of him or herself?

(For example capable, responsible, persistent, courageous, abilities to work with others, etc.)

The challenge is to find situations where your child can begin to see him or herself possessing these qualities.

Some of the labels our children may be combating follow:

• Stubborn
• Bossy
• Picky
• Finicky
• Bully
• Pushover
• Mouthy
• Forgetful
• Clumsy
• Hyperactive
• Messy
• Nuisance
• Pest
• Slow
• Stupid
• Destructive
• Whiny
• Undependable
• Greedy
• Cry-baby
• Disorganized
• Disrespectful
• Likable
• Athletic
• Smart
• Straight-A student
• Happy
• Helpful

We need to look at opportunities for our children to see themselves differently.

For our children who are forgetful, we need to remind them of the times they do remember things. If Joey's mother had approached Joey's missed chores with a comment like this--''Joey, you are usually so responsible and remember to do your chores. The garbage didn't get taken out to the curb this morning. I'm sure you’ll remember next week.''--how do you think that would affect Joey's air-brained self-perception?

For the children who are labeled as ''good,'' we need to help them learn that they are loved unconditionally and that our love is not based on their behavior. Straight–A students may become unwilling to explore new intellectual territory or put time into relationships for fear of losing their ''perfect'' academic record. Children who are labeled as good have self-perception challenges and may suppress anger, disappointment, frustration and fear in order to retain their tag of being good, happy or helpful.

Sarah was an even-tempered ten-year-old. Three of her friends did not show up for her birthday party, but Sarah seemed to take it all in stride and had a good time. After the party, instead of her usual compliment to Sarah of, ''You handled that situation so maturely,'' Sarah's mom decided to help Sarah see herself differently.

''You must have been really upset that your friends didn't show up or call. It must have taken a lot of self-control to keep smiling and make sure that your party was fun for everyone.''

''Yeah, it really hurt that they didn't call. I think they are the rudest friends a girl could have,'' Sarah said through her sobs.

Sarah's mom helped Sarah step out of the role of ''mature'' to be able to express anger, disappointment and frustration, along with the fear of losing friends. Sarah learned that it was okay to act like she was ten years old, and Mom would still love her.

Never underestimate the power of your words on a child's life.

Next week: Helping Children Learn to Apologize

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
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©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

A Child's Natural Love for the Adult

In my kitchen, at the back of the drawer that holds the hot pads, is a green oven mitt. Worn, with a few holes in it, the mitt is visible every time I open the drawer. Its mate, regrettably, was lost in a move. The mitt's been around for over 20 years. It is my hope that it will always be there.

Mac's Hardware in Webster Groves in October of 1985 carried a little bit of everything--the usual nuts and bolts, children's toys and books along with kitchen and gift items. For Dana, newly five, it was the place to go and buy her much loved Mercer Mayer and Berenstein Bear books. Her birthdays and allowances had created a bankroll for her, $12.50, enough to buy five of her favorite books.

For days Dana counted her money from her big pig bank, asking me if she had enough money for sales tax. She waited until Saturday to go to Mac's in order for her weekly allowance to be in hand.

Saturday morning off we went to Mac's. As soon as we entered the store, Dana looked at me and said, ''Mommy, you need to stay right here. I don't want you to help me. I want to buy this all by myself. Don't even look at the cash register.''

I glanced at Dana and then to our regular cashier, smiled and nodded, promising to stay in gardening supplies. In a few minutes, the transaction was completed, and Dana grabbed my hand and said she was ready to go.

As she buckled her car seat, Dana held her bag tightly. Entering the house, Dana headed straight to her bedroom and shut the door. I figured she was eager to look at her birthday purchases.

The next morning at breakfast, Dana came downstairs holding a package wrapped in Dana-designed and decorated paper.

A gift for me. As I opened the present, I gasped in surprise. Inside were two oven mitts. Forest green. I had admired them at the hardware store months before, but I had deemed them too expensive at $6.25 a piece. In 1985, you could eat a nice lunch out for $3.00, tip included.

Two oven mitts lay on my lap. Two mitts that took every penny my daughter had saved.

I had never been the recipient of such a gift.

''Do you like them, Mommy?''

''They,'' I said, ''are the best gift ever.''

In my kitchen drawer there is a worn green oven mitt. For me, it symbolizes the love a child has for his or her parents. To me it represents how the love for adults, intense and pure, motivates the actions of children, if only we take the time to see from that point of view.

It is my hope the mitt will always be there, reminding me to evermore handle that love with care.

Next week: Helping Your Child Change Self-Perception

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Help! My Child Is the Bully!

Amanda, a preschool teacher in California, contacted me about a recent column about bullying. ''I do agree,'' she wrote, ''that bullying is a very serious issue, but the people that usually need more support are the mortified parents of the bully.''

Let's define what is bullying behavior. Bullying can be physical, verbal or excluding behaviors that include but are not limited to hitting, kicking, pushing, choking punching, threatening, teasing, starting rumors, hate speech and telling other children not to play with others, or not be their friend. Bullying is behavior whose intent is to inflict harm.

We also need to separate the child from the behavior. It helps us look at the situation differently if we say that the child is exhibiting bullying or aggressive behavior instead of saying that the child is a bully. A child's aggressive behavior at any age indicates that the child has lost a critical link of trust to an important adult in his or her life. This is what we must address.

The age of the child is an important factor to consider. Under the age of six, children may use aggressive behavior to get their needs met, but usually these children respond positively when they are shown alternatives to aggressive behavior. Parents of pre-schoolers with aggressive behavior need to be coached on how to teach and model cooperative social skills.

For the older child of elementary, middle and junior high school age, aggressive bullying behavior is much more serious, as the behavior indicates that the child has not yet learned basic social behavior and therefore needs to be re-taught basic rudimentary social skills. This is a challenge that many adults do not step up to, and the critical link of trust remains broken.

As adults, we need to create an environment for all children where they can work and play in dignity and safety. One way to do that is to have zero tolerance for the aggressive behaviors mentioned above. I refer to this as the Paul Newman Rule of Zero.

Back in the early 80's Newman recommended that the nuclear arms treaty be negotiated so that all powers would have no bombs. It's difficult to monitor whether someone has 10 or 10,000 bombs, Newman reasoned, but maintaining zero is easy to monitor and to correct. With children's behavior, a little push, a little hit or a little teasing can get out of hand. With zero tolerance we can more easily monitor and change aggressive behavior.

If the children in our homes and schools know that aggressive bullying behavior is not acceptable even at the smallest level, we empower all of us to take action and not remain silent or look the other way. Children need to know they can ask others for assistance and have the responsibility to stop behavior whose intention is to inflict physical, mental or emotional harm to others.

Unfortunately, having an attitude and policy of zero tolerance doesn't mean that aggressive actions won't occur. Amazingly, though, if the message is loud and clear that aggressive behavior is not acceptable, half of our work is done.

One well-known study on bullying, Craig and Pepler's playground observation research, found that one incident of bullying occurred every seven minutes. Adult intervention occurred in 4% of the incidents, and peer intervention occurred 11% of the time.

Children with aggressive behavior learn that their behavior works 85% of the time. You might say we give children with aggressive behavior a B-plus in deportment when we look the other way. To change this we need to:

• Teach all of our children that aggressive bullying behavior is not acceptable.
• Show our children how to treat all people with respect and kindness regardless of differences.
• Help children learn to stop any show of aggression immediately and learn non-violent ways to react and act.
• Give lessons on appropriate behavior.
• Give children experiences where they feel more powerful by choosing how they will behave and treat others.
• Help children learn to trust others by being trustworthy ourselves.
• Help children form strong relationships with helping adults.

Children under the age of six are in a sensitive period for developing social skills. Aggressive behavior needs to be addressed with specific lessons from how to ask someone to play with you to how to ask nicely for your toys.

For the older child who has passed this critical period of learning social skills, changing aggressive behavior may require that parents get outside help to assist in helping their child learn skills to interact effectively with others.

A child's aggressive behavior is a cry for help. Make sure your child gets the help he or she needs.

Next week: A Child's Natural Love for the Adult

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing