Understanding the Three Levels of Obedience for a Three-Year-Old

Sometimes when I am working on the computer I feel like a three-year-old. At least, I think I feel like a three-year-old. I try to do some function that I haven't done in a while, and I look at the computer screen wondering how I did it. When I am utterly confused, I'll phone one of my daughters and ask, ''How do I…?'' Fortunately for me, they always laugh and say, ''Oh, Momma!''

What does this have to do with a three-year old? A three-year-old is having new experiences, learning new skills and working on self-mastery of those skills, just like me on the computer. Some days they can do something on their own, and other days they need assistance. This is because learning occurs in three stages, as follows:

At the first stage, we can do an activity with assistance.

At the second stage, we can do an activity when we are asked to do it.

At the third stage, we can do the activity independently and are fully aware of when it needs to be done.

In the example of my computer skills, trying to learn how to double-line format was a challenge. The first time, I had to be shown the series of steps. First stage. Then I could do it when someone reminded me of the steps. Second stage. I am proud to report that I can now do it with no assistance and no reminders. Third stage, or independence.

As we learn new skills, we go back and forth between stages one and two. What leads us to independence is repeating the activity with additional instruction. This independence allows us to obey a command or request.

Obey. We tend to think that it means, ''to carry out a command without question.'' The word obey comes from the Latin oboediere, meaning ''to listen'' or ''to hear.'' To obey, we listen and then make a choice to follow the command. If we hear a command from someone we trust, we will usually choose to carry out the command, that is, if we know how to do it and have no conflicting information. We can also follow a command out of fear. To the casual observer it might appear in both instances that the command has been followed without question.

For the participants in an activity, command giver/command follower, teacher/student or parent/child, the dynamics of fear and trust create a relationship. To build a relationship based on trust, it is critical to understand the skills necessary to accomplish a command.

Most three-year-olds have a strong desire to please the adults in their lives and are willing to do what we ask. What children lack is the experience and the skill. We can look at their ability to obey or level of obedience in this way:

First Level: will | no experience | no skill

Second Level: will | experience | no skill

Third Level: will | experience | skill

In a trusting relationship, the child is eager to learn new activities. Remembering all the steps in an activity is difficult, and children need to be shown many times. Because they are keen to learn, children are always watching others--a reason to be a good example.

To master a skill, children need to repeat an activity perhaps hundreds of times. Children need the opportunity to do activities uninterrupted with the freedom to make mistakes without being corrected during the activity. The exception to this is when there is immediate danger to the child or property. Observing a child's ''mistakes'' and ''messes'' gives us a clue to what needs to be retaught. Also, being interrupted or not being allowed to finish an activity can be the cause of frustration that may be expressed as a temper tantrum.

So we teach and re-teach as the child moves between levels one and two, and then one beautiful day, the child is working at the third level of obedience.

Let's take an example of making a bed. At the first level, the child is shown how to make a bed. The child shows willingness by trying to make the bed the next morning. The bedspread is hanging too low on one side, and there are lumps. Being friendly with error, the adult simply states, ''You made the bed by yourself.'' The next day the child forgets to make the bed. The adult gives another demonstration, wordlessly looking at both sides of the spread to make sure they are even. The next day the child makes the bed. The fourth day the child forgets to make the bed. The adult reminds the child, and the child goes cheerfully to make the bed.

If the child protests, the adult simply smiles and says, ''Let's do it together,'' knowing that the child may have forgotten how to do it. After a few days the child can make the bed with just a verbal reminder. At some point, weeks, months or years, the child will reach the third level and make the bed perfectly without any reminders. (Parents of teenagers are allowed to roll their eyes if still waiting on this third level of obedience.)

All of us learn faster and better in a trusting relationship. Trust is developed by offering assistance in a clear, concise and kind manner. The adult doesn't ask the child to do something that is too difficult or belittle the child for not being able to do it. The adult remembers that it takes many reteachings to get to the second level of obedience, and it takes much practice to arrive at the third level.

The adult needs to observe the child's will, skill and experience levels before asking them to do something. We can offer assistance to the child, keeping in mind ''any unnecessary help is a hindrance.''

For the three to six-year-old, these levels of skill, experience and obedience are changing daily. As adults, we need to remain ''friendly with error'' as the child's experience and memory propel them to the third level of obedience, an obedience built on a relationship of trust and mutual respect.

Next week: Help! My Child Is the Bully

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

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©2007 KIDS TALK™
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Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Understanding Happiness

Happy. We use this word as though happy is a goal unto itself. An elusive objective, indeed.

The meanings of happiness and pleasure are used interchangeably in our world. Happiness and pleasure are not the same concept, and to think so is dangerous. Pleasure seeking will not bring us happiness. Conversely, happiness is rarely found in pleasant activities or activities designed to avoid pain or hardship.

In the dictionary, the word ''happy'' has sparse company along with its root word, hap, meaning ''luck,'' ''fortune,'' ''chance'' or ''an occurrence.'' ''Happiness,'' ''happen,'' ''hapless,'' ''haply,'' ''happenstance'' are happy's only companions. From its original Old English roots, ''happy'' relates to having good luck or fortune.

Our American idea of the ''pursuit of happiness'' pertains to the right to participate in activities that bring us good fortune. It is about the right to keep our life moving in a positive direction. Our forefathers saw the ''pursuit of happiness'' as an unalienable right. We have the right, and the corresponding responsibility, to take advantage of the circumstances that ''happen'' to come our way. We have the right to make events happen in our lives. We have the right to search for our luck, or as we say nowadays, follow our bliss.

As we go after the ''hap'' in our lives, it is not guaranteed to be pleasurable. As we follow our bliss in the pursuit of happiness, we are energized as we work in the direction of our dreams. When we are fully engaged in activities that are purposeful to our pursuit of happiness, we experience a feeling of being connected to something larger than ourselves. Obstacles and hardships are endured and overcome as part of the journey.

These experiences of being fully engaged create happiness. The completion of a meaningful task brings us pleasure and confidence to choose the next thing to ''happen'' to us. In the words of Thoreau, ''Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.''

True pleasure is the end product of choosing activities and successfully completing tasks that give meaning to our lives. Trying to recreate this ''natural high'' feeling of satisfaction and purpose without the corresponding activity or work can create addictive behaviors. The abuse of alcohol, drugs, sex, or food to simulate satisfaction can tragically lead to a downward spiral of pleasure seeking that separates a person from the ability to choose what ''happens'' in his or her life. Addictive behavior ultimately destroys a person's ability to pursue happiness.

What does this pursuit of happiness mean to us as we work with our children?

We need to help our children learn that positively participating in their lives by making choices and taking full responsibility for those choices is the path to happiness. We need to help our children see the ''hap'' or luck inherent in each situation, and we need to help our children learn to have the skills and confidence to follow those opportunities.

Let's show our children that it is not the pursuit of pleasure but the enthusiastic participation in activities that fully engage us that brings enduring happiness. Happiness is not about feeling good all the time. It is about choosing to do good with the opportunities we happen to have. Happiness is about having the right and responsibility to make life happen.

Next week: The Three Levels of Obedience

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

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©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

An Ounce of Prevention: Hand Washing

''My mommy said I don't have to wash my hands after I go to the bathroom,'' one of my pre-school students said.

How was I going to sidestep this power struggle?

''At school,'' I said, ''we wash our hands. Do you want to use the pump soap or the bar soap?''

Fortunately, for children under the age of six, stating the rules clearly and enforcing the rules in a kind manner allows us to do important teaching. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the single most important thing we can do to keep from getting sick and spreading illness to others is to clean our hands. Hand washing is a critical skill to encourage.

Hand washing is not easy to teach as evidenced by studies reporting that three out of ten people do not wash their hands after using the bathroom, even though 95% of adults say they wash up.

More than 52 million cases of the common cold are reported each year among Americans under the age of 17, causing our children to lose 22 million days of school. The most effective method of combatting these microbes is by hand washing, and the optimum time to teach personal hygiene is during the toddler and pre-school years.

There are many obstacles to children learning to wash their hands independently. Most of the sinks in our homes, schools and other public places are impossible for our children to use, as the sinks are over our children's heads. Imagine that your bathroom sink was at the top of your refrigerator.

Another obstacle, ironically, is that children love to wash their hands. This enthusiasm leads children to ''play'' in the sink and create messes, which can lead to dangerous unsupervised situations.

A child's clothing can be a problem. Sleeves that don't push up easily discourage hand washing. Who wants to spend the day in a cold wet shirt? During the early stages of independent toileting young children can have bathroom accidents when they hear running water or when they place their hands in warm water. For many three-year-olds hand washing necessitates a change of clothing, which can wear any caregiver down.

How can we help our youngsters learn to wash up? Simply by providing an environment to do so.

In your bathroom provide a sturdy step stool that will enable your child to reach the sink without having to be picked up by an adult. A two-tread plastic stool available in most discount or hardware stores fits securely against the bathroom cabinet and gives plenty of standing room for small feet. A basket of washcloths makes perfect hand drying towels. Bars of soap in different colors and shapes will entice young hands to lather up.

Give your child a lesson on how to wash up by showing precisely each step of the process. Begin the lesson by telling your child, ''I would like to show you how to wash your hands. Watch me. I get the first turn, then you get the next one. Watch, please.''

With no words, slowly go through the entire hand washing process. If your child's attention span strays, smile and say, ''Watch, please.'' After you have dried your hands, tell your child, ''Now it is your turn.''

Watch your child, and refrain from correcting your child during his or her hand washing activity. Note at which steps he or she needs more instruction. Perhaps it is pulling up sleeves, turning on the water, lathering up, drying hands or leaving the sink ready for the next person.

The next day show your child how to wash his or her hands again. This time emphasize one point that needs mastering, such as pulling up sleeves. Continue to give a wordless lesson everyday until the process is mastered. Ten lessons should enable your child to wash their hands with a minimum of wet clothing and mess.

Clean hands are your family's best defense against contagious diseases. Encourage hand washing by preparing a place that promotes independent skills in your child. Here's to a healthy winter!

Next week: Understanding Happiness

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

10,000 Steps

10,000 steps. A step is approximately one-third to one-half an adult or child's height. For example, a person six feet tall would cover 20,000 to 30,000 feet or approximately 4 to 5 miles with 10,000 steps. In contrast, a child three feet tall would cover two to three miles with 10,000 steps.

The idea of 10,000 steps began as a marketing slogan in the 1960's for cardiovascular fitness using a pedometer. 10,000 steps is a catchy phrase to help us remember that we need a minimum amount of daily activity in order to maintain a basic level of health.

Recent research shows that children ages six to twelve probably need 12,000 to 15,000 steps per day to maintain fitness and avoid weight gain. This translates to the equivalent of two to two-and-a-half hours of walking per day. Those of us who exercise less than 5,000 steps per day are at risk for diabetes and obesity.

In a recent article in Parents Magazine, Dr. Sanghavi, a pediatric heart doctor, discussed his findings after using a pedometer to measure his four-year-old son's activity level. Dr. Sanghavi discovered that his son logged over 30,000 steps, or an impressive nine miles, in a single day at an amusement park. Back home in his normal routine, his son took a little over 5,000 steps per day, or one-half to one-third of the activity necessary for a basic level of fitness.

Walking, running, bicycling and swimming promote important aspects of cardiovascular, aerobic, mental and brain development. As oxygen levels increase through activity, the work of the body and the mind becomes more efficient and effective.

Our children's activity level affects not just their physical health but also their brain development. Exercises that incorporate bilateral movements, where the left arm moves with the right leg and the right arm moves with the left leg, aid in the development of the neuron connections in the corpus callosum between the hemispheres of the brain. These connections in the corpus callosum are created more easily in the child before the age of six. Movement and brain development are intricately interwoven for all of our lives.

The right hemisphere of the brain controls visual and spatial function as well as emotion and musical abilities. The right brain is often referred to as the creative side of the brain. The left hemisphere is involved with the use of logic, language and reasoning. The corpus callosum acts as the communication device between the hemispheres, in essence, allowing us to use our whole brain. 10,000 steps (read also as basic activity level) help the brain and body to interconnect.

By lengthening the school day and reducing recess times in our quest to increase our children's tests scores, we are giving our children fewer opportunities to build and maintain a basic fitness level. Electronic devices at home vie for our children's attention and reduce the time that could be used to take 10,000 steps.

We need to realize that physical activity is more than time taken away from other learning. Physical activity aids learning. A minimum level of activity is critical to our children's long-term health and development, both physically and mentally.

Let's remember that the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. A lifetime of health begins with 10,000 steps.

Next week: An Ounce of Prevention: Hand Washing

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2007 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing