Together - CELEBRATING OUR 100th KIDS TALK™ NEWSLETTER

See our Special 100th Column Special Offer following this week's column.

In my chiropractor's examining room, there is a poster of two hands reaching for a handshake with the title ''Together.'' The poster says:

OUR JOB
See you as an individual
Respect your privacy and your time
Provide a comfortable office
Explain procedures
Monitor and report progress
Show you ways to get and stay well
Offer state-of-the-art chiropractic
Refer to specialists if needed
Charge a fair fee for our services
Honor individual health goals

YOUR JOB
Want better health
Get involved
Keep appointments
Follow advice
Ask questions
Seek answers
Expect results
Stay optimistic
Pay your bill
Tell others

For me this poster clearly communicates the roles of doctor and patient. Upon further reflection, I see that this message is valid for any professional relationship or organization. An organization, as Stephen Covey defines it, is any group of two or more people working for a common goal.

Excited about how this poster states clear roles and expectations, I revised it to reflect the relationships between school and home, or teacher and parents.

OUR JOB
See you and your child as individuals
Respect your privacy and your time
Provide comfortable facilities
Explain procedures
Monitor and report your child's progress
Show you ways to aid your child's development
Offer state-of-the-art education
Refer to specialists if needed
Charge a fair fee for our services
Honor individual educational needs

YOUR JOB
Want a better school community for all
Get involved
Be on time
Follow advice
Ask questions
Seek answers
Expect results
Stay optimistic
Pay your tuition and/or taxes
Tell others

Having played many roles in education—student, teacher, parent, school administrator, principal, school owner, tuition check writer and taxpayer—I realize that when I missed one of the jobs on this list, problems followed. When someone didn't do his orh her part within the organization, trust and satisfaction in the relationship was damaged or destroyed.

In the roles we play in our educational organizations, as either service providers or consumers, let's encourage the development of clear and concise expectations for the tasks that need to be addressed to assure our group's success.

Our Job. Your Job. It's easy to look at these lists and for everyone to know if expectations are being met. When there are rough spots in a relationship (remember, if we're human there will be problems), each party can look at the lists to help define the problem, discern contributing factors to the situation and create possible solutions.

Roles and expectations clearly stated from the beginning can help us make our organizations successful for all our students, our families, our school staff and our communities.

A successful doctor needs cooperative patients. Patients need an understanding doctor. Successful schools need collaborative families. Families need effective schools. Together, we can do it.

Next week: Removing Obstacles to Development

SPECIAL 100th Column OFFER

For our next 100 customers: Buy the four-volume Shining Light Reading Series at our regular low price of $34.99 plus shipping, and Maren will send you send you Volume One, Learning Letter Sounds, a $15.99 value, for FREE. Volume One makes a great gift, and it's yours for free when you purchase the Four-Volume Shining Light Reading Series DVD set. Click here to buy now.

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

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©2006 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Breaking Away

''The finest inheritance you can give a child is to allow it to make it own way, completely on its own two feet.''
~Isadora Duncan

''Don't kiss me or hug me in public, Mom,'' your child says as he or she wipes off your kiss.

Affection that was freely given and accepted becomes an embarrassment to the six- to nine-year-old. As soon as adult teeth replace baby teeth, the child enters into a new phase of development.

One of the characteristics of this period is a breaking out into a bigger world and a breaking away from the close familiarity of family and friends.

Human beings have an inborn drive to become independent. We see this independence assert itself in the infant who continually kicks off his or her socks; in two-year-olds with their forceful ''no's;'' in the three-year-olds in their asserting, ''Let me do it myself.''

One of the tricks of parenting is learning how to grow smaller and smaller as our children grow larger and larger. How do we hand over responsibility and encourage autonomy and independence in our children? How can we utilize this period of growing independence? How can we minimize our children's feelings of dependency?

First, we can let our children make choices where appropriate. For the three-year-old the choice may be, ''Do you want to wear your red or your blue pajamas?'' For a six-year-old, the choice might be in purchasing pajamas. For the ten-year-old, having a choice of bedtimes. For the sixteen-year- old, being involved in curfew decisions.

We can show respect for the child's struggle to gain competency. Learning new skills, such as tying your own shoes, takes time and dexterity. Instead of doing for our children, we need to ask, ''How can I help?'' remembering that any unnecessary help is a hindrance to their development towards independence.

We try not to pry. Asking too many questions about our children's day implies a level of distrust instead of interest. Can you remember a boss, teacher or co-worker who seemed to cross-examine you? Everyday? A simple ''glad to see you'' or ''welcome home'' is many times the best way to make connection with our children and keep their trust.

We can encourage our children to use sources outside of the home to help answer questions or solve problems. Help your child establish habits of seeking expert advice from various people. For example, if your child wants to know how to take care of a new hamster, suggest making a list of questions and then visiting with a pet store owner, searching the library or contacting a friend or neighbor who has a hamster.

We can help our children learn to think for themselves by restating the question and encouraging exploration. Don't be too quick to be the encyclopedia of knowledge. ''Dad, what makes a rocket ship go straight up?'' may best be answered, even if you are a rocket scientist, with a question such as, ''What do you think makes a rocket go straight up?''

Encourage your children's dreams, even it if they sound outrageous. Too many times we can dismiss youthful optimism with a casual remark when ''I want to be an astronaut'' is met with ''Forget it! You're not good enough in math. And besides that, they're not training any more astronauts.'' We can encourage the essence of the wish when we answer, ''An astronaut? What would you like to do as an astronaut?''

Encourage independence and autonomy by allowing your children to make appropriate choices, beginning at a young age. Respect your children's struggle for independence, mastery and competency. Don't ask too many questions. Encourage using sources outside the home for problem solving and decision-making. Don't be too quick to offer answer to questions and solutions to problems. Give your children the gift of having the time to figure it out themselves. Try to see your children's wishes, hopes and dreams through their eyes.

Day by day, choice by choice, our children will become stronger in their journey to adulthood. They will get larger and larger. We will get smaller and smaller. Until one day, they will look at us eye to eye, on their own two feet.

Next week: Together

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2006 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment

''Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.'' ~Proverbs 22:6

''What is the difference between disciplining a child and punishing a child?'' Jeff, father to a two-year-old, wrote in his e-mail. ''I don't see any difference. Isn't it the same thing?''

There is a difference, as I explained to Jeff. My e-mail follows:

Jeff, let's look at the definition of these two words from the American Heritage Dictionary.

Punishment: to subject someone to a penalty for a crime, fault or misbehavior. From the Latin poenire and the Greek poine; poena is money paid as a fine.

Discipline: training that is expected to produce specific character or patterns of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement. From the Latin: discere, to learn.

Discipline is also listed as a synonym under punishment, stressing that with this meaning punishment as a method of training is designed to control an offender and to eliminate or reform unacceptable conduct.

In its essence, punishment is a penalty, paid with money, or poena. The connotation is that the person being punished has funds along with knowledge of right and wrong. Does a child fit in that definition?

Discipline, with its meaning rooted in learning, has a different significance altogether. Disciples follow their teacher. People who follow a leader choose to follow.

The misuse of words can cloud our thinking and dilute meanings so that concepts, such as punishment and discipline, appear to be interchangeable when in fact they are not.

With a clear understanding of these two ideas, we can ask ourselves: Do we want to punish or penalize our children to teach them, or do we want to teach by walking a path that our children can follow, a path down which they can lead others?

Years ago when these two terms were clarified in my mind, I realized punishment was not going to accomplish the teaching I wanted to share with my children. Punishment was not going to promote the learning or self-discipline I hoped to instill.

The question to myself became: How can I best teach my children with this pure idea of discipline? In what direction do I want to lead, because it is one that my children will follow? The question was not, ''How can I best punish my child?''

To me, Jeff, that is the difference.

There is a place for punishment in our society. It is for those who willingly break established rules or laws. Punishment is for those who willfully endanger others and/or their property. It is for those who have attained full rights as citizens. It is for those who are expected to have understanding of societal expectations and consequences. Punishment is designed for those who have resources to pay the penalty, or poena. This is what reaching a majority age means. Children are not of majority age. Children are minors.

With minors, we are in the process of teaching these children the path they should follow. Our challenge is to lead the whole person—body, mind, heart and spirit. Our challenge is that we must model the self-discipline, the vision, the passion and the conscience that is at the heart of true learning and self-discovery for our children.

When we discipline our children, we walk a path with them of trust, helping them to understand how to live their lives, how to develop their talents, how to share their love and how to do what's right. Corrections on our path should strive to be of loving intention to serve the needs of the child.

Jeff, I hope I've been able to explain the difference between punishment and discipline, so you can choose the way you want to lead.

Best wishes, and happy parenting!

Next week: Breaking Away

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2006 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Truth About Tattle Tales

''Don't be a tattle tale,'' Jessica told her seven-year-old son Eric.

''But, Mom, it's not fair. Tom threw the ball over the fence. He should get in trouble,'' Eric said.

''Your brother will have to figure out how to get his ball back. That's the trouble he's in,'' Jessica told Eric.

''But, Mom!'' Eric replied.

Children tattling on siblings, friends or classmates behavior can be annoying. Very annoying. And nobody likes a tattle tale, or so it's said.

Personally, I like tattling, at least for a bit. When I see a child tattling, I know they are trying to figure out the rules, spoken and unspoken, and how the rules are enforced. The tattlers are trying to ascertain which rules are critical and which rules can be bent or broken without serious consequences. In short, tattlers are trying to create their personal value system, and they need some help to discern the details.

Some children seem to intuitively understand the intricacies of rules and which ones are the most important. There are some children who have the verbal skills and self-confidence to remind a friend or brother, ''We're not supposed to throw the ball over the fence.'' These children don't feel a need to tattle.

The child who comes to us with names and infractions is trying to figure it out. In reality this child is asking for affirmation and clarification of a rule, as well as a clear understanding of the consequences of breaking a rule.

How should we deal with a tattler? Here's what's worked for me.

First, state the problem about which the child is concerned. Restate the rule or expectation. Ask the child why he thinks we have the rule. Empower the child to restate the rule to the offender, as a ''friendly reminder.'' Let's go back to Eric's conversation with his mother Jessica.

''Eric, so you are concerned that Tom threw his ball over the fence on purpose,'' Jessica said.

''Yeah, he should get in trouble. No TV or dessert or something.''

Jessica continues, ''Why do you think I tell you not to throw the ball over the fence?''

''Because it's a rule, '' Eric replies.

''And a rule because...?''

''I don't know,'' says Eric.

''Eric, if you throw your ball over the fence, there are some things that concern me. First, you won't have a ball with which to play. Second, you might hit and hurt someone or something that you can't see. Third, you shouldn't bother other people's property.''

''Mom, Tom should get in trouble with you for breaking the rules.''

''Eric, can you please go give Tom a friendly reminder about why we have the rule about not throwing balls over the fence. Remind him, too, that he needs to phone the Browns about getting his ball back and that they are gone for a week's vacation.''

Tattling can be about getting attention or trying to get another person in trouble out of jealousy or being mean-spirited. This is more the case with older children. For the five- to seven-year-old, tattling is focused on understanding rules and their consequences.

We want our children to confide in us when they are witnessing or find themselves or others in a potentially dangerous situation, so we need to keep communication open with our tattlers instead of sending them away.

When our children tattle, let's recognize that they are asking for help in understanding the myriad of rules, spoken and unspoken, in our world. Explain the rules and the reasons behind the rules. Empower them to give friendly reminders to friends and siblings. Keep communication open, so they will come to you with the problems that do need adult attention.

When the tattling quiets, we will have an indication that the tattler is beginning to understand and create his or her own value system of what is important in society.

Next week: The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2006 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing