Alternatives to Punishment

Six-year old Bobby walks into the kitchen from playing soccer. Bobby's dad, Tom, had asked Bobby to take off his muddy shoes before entering the house. Red Georgia mud dotted the new hallway and den carpet.

When Tom sees the footprints, he is furious about the mess and that Bobby had disobeyed him. ''Bobby,'' Tom says, his voice rising, ''for disobeying me, you'll not be able to watch TV for a week. And John won't be able to come and spend the night on Friday.''

Bobby starts to cry and runs up the stairs yelling, ''You're the meanest dad in the world. I hate you.''

Punishment for misbehavior can have the undesirable consequences of resentment and anger that can damage our parent/child relationship, perhaps forever. What alternatives to punishment do we have?

In their book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Faber and Mazlish give seven alternatives to punishment in order to help children learn and exhibit appropriate behavior.

1. Point out a way to be helpful.
Tom could have phrased his command differently. ''Bobby, it would be helpful if you would take off your shoes on the porch and clean them outside.'' Or after the dastardly deed was done, ''It would be helpful if you would sit down right now and take off those shoes. Then you can help me clean up the mud stains.''

2. Express strong disappointment in the action without attacking the person's character.
Tom could have said, ''Bobby, I'm disappointed that the carpet is muddy from your soccer shoes. I asked you to take your shoes off before coming into the house.''

3. State your expectations.
''Bobby, I expect you to listen to me and do what I ask.''

4. Show the child how to make amends.
''Bobby, after you take your shoes off, you'll need to help me clean the carpet. If the mud doesn't come out, I want you to go with me to rent a carpet cleaner.''

5. Give a choice.
''Bobby, if you want to continue playing soccer, you need to remember to take your shoes off before you come into the house. You need to pay attention when I tell you to do something. Forget to take off your shoes, then no soccer. You decide.''

6. Take action.
If Tom has given a choice, such as the choice given above, Tom will have to take action if Bobby forgets to take off his shoes again.

7. Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior.
''Bobby, since I'll have to clean the carpet tomorrow, I won't be able to take you to the movies like we had planned.''If our goal is to help our children learn appropriate behavior, punishment may not be an effective way for the child to see his mistake.

When dealing with misbehavior, try using one of these seven alternatives to avoid anger, resentment and discouragement in your child and to help build a trusting, loving parent/child relationship. It may take a lot of practice to catch our reactions, but I think you'll see it's worth it.

Next Week: The Three-Hour Work Cycle

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit http://www.shininglightreading.com/ for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
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©2006 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
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Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Three Ways to Change Behavior

''Lisa is so different from Grace. Grace never broke anything when she was this age. Lisa breaks something every day,'' Meg told me at our playgroup with our one-year olds.

Meg, a long-time friend, was over 30 when she had her first child. Five-year-old Grace lived up to her name. Grace was gentle and content to look at Meg's extensive collection of family crystal and European figurines. Lisa, on the other hand, banged glass-topped tables and pulled expensive porcelain off shelves from the time she could crawl.

Meg and Dave's antique-filled home was being assaulted and devalued daily by Lisa's antics. Meg perceived it as misbehavior and was becoming increasingly short-tempered with Lisa. Grace had not touched things. What was Lisa's problem?

From information gleaned at a recent parenting class, I shared with Meg the idea of changing our children's behavior using three maxims: Change our rules, change our environment and change our attitude.

First, we can change the rules to change behavior. In Meg's case, her rule was, ''Don't touch Mommy's things.'' Meg might have changed the rule to: ''Only touch objects with permission.'' Meg could have given lessons on how to handle a fragile object or how to look at an object using one's eyes only and with one's hands clasped firmly behind one's back.

Secondly, we can change the environment to change behavior. To most of us, it might be obvious that Meg needed to move her collectibles safely out of reach and to either get rid of her glass-topped tables or to put pads on them. Meg hadn't thought of that solution since she had grown up with her mother's extensive collection, and her older daughter hadn't bothered items.

Thirdly, we can change our attitude about the behavior. Meg had perhaps an unrealistic perception of children and home decor. Meg could decide that some precious objects are going to get broken by children and that she would not get upset about it. Or change her attitude to reflect Lisa's behavior as normally curious. Meg might also change her attitude about how a house should look. With small children, we might have to forgo our vision of House Beautiful.

In hopes of giving her a few ideas, I invited Meg over to my house to see our child-friendly changes. Photos and unbreakable art objects were on the lower shelves of our bookcases and end tables. Our glass-topped tables had been removed.

Meg used a combination of these three maxims to change Lisa's behavior. Meg changed the rules by taking time with Lisa and showing her how to handle a delicate object as well as how to only look at an object. Instead of ''Don't touch,'' Meg said, ''Look.''

Meg changed the environment by putting objects out of Lisa's climb and reach zones. Meg moved furniture. She added child-friendly accessories of baskets, woodcarvings and quilts, so Lisa could practice her skill at handling objects carefully.

Meg also changed her attitude. She realized that Lisa was very different from her and needed more exploration, movement and training in order to be comfortable in the house. Meg realized that her relationship with her daughter was more important than her collections, and she packed most pieces away.

When Meg changed her rules, her environment and her attitude, Meg and Dave's home became peaceful, and Meg enjoyed her time with Lisa and Grace.

Next Week: Alternatives to Punishment

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit http://www.shininglightreading.com/ for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
Click here for a free subscription.

©2006 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Creating Clear Expectations for Our Children

''Last night Dustin asked me what rules we had at home. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't have a ready answer. Dustin told me, 'At school we have these rules, Mommy. Choose your work. Don't touch anybody's work. Work at a rug or table. And put your work away when you're finished.' See, even I can remember them. I'd like to be that clear-cut about behavior at home,'' Anne said.

Anne, parent of a three-year-old in my classroom, saw the benefits of having clear structure and expectations. Many of us experience difficulty in explaining the boundaries to children, and we tend to do so only after becoming angry or upset when a child oversteps an undefined boundary. We can see certain behavior as obvious and never think to set the limits, just as in ''Don't stick beans in your ears.'' One of my professors said, ''Remember that children are new beings on this planet. Explain and be as patient with them as you would with E.T.''

Dealing with children (and other people) may feel as frustrating at times as working with creatures from another planet. Much of our annoyance revolves around stating the obvious over and over again. Repetition is how children learn, so it's not annoying or frustrating to them and is, in fact, necessary.

Clarifying our expectations for behavior can come out of our completing three phrases:
1. This is how I feel.
2. This is what I want.
3. These are the rules.

Making these three lists will lead you to establish boundaries, maintain discipline, teach self-control, instill respect for others, model moral values and also promote independence and accountability in the child. Did I forget anything?

Anne spent some time over the next week completing these lists. She kept them on the refrigerator and added to them when something came to mind. At the end of the week, her lists looked something like this:

This is how I feel
Grumpy when the house is messy
Angry when Dustin is disrespectful
Tired when I don't have time for myself
Happy when we do things as a family
Frustrated when we run late for school, etc.
Stressed when I worry about money

This is what I want
A happy home
To be kind and loving
To have time to be a mom
To have time to be a wife
To have time to be myself
To raise Dustin to be kind, loving and respectful of others

These are the rules
Be kind. No mean words.
Be ready to go.
Have fun every day.
Stick to our budget.
Put your things away when you're finished. (Anne liked this school rule.)

Anne shared her list with her husband, Fred, and she got his opinion on the clear expectations that she was trying to create for Dustin and their family. Fred was concerned that the list was perhaps simplistic, but he was willing to try using these rules to help Dustin see what was important.

Anne discovered that making statements from her list out loud, such as, ''I like doing things as a family,'' or, ''I feel grumpy because dinner's late,'' helped make expected behavior clear. One morning Dustin told his dad, ''Try to be home on time for dinner. Mommy gets grumpy when dinner is late.''

As Anne told me, ''Those three phrases have helped me communicate my expectations for our family. The more I use them, the easier it becomes for all of us to communicate how we want our family life to work.''

Happy parenting!

Next Week: Three Ways to Change Behavior

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a free subscription.

©2006 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Providing Structure in the Life of a Child

Dr. Robert Shaw in his book, The Epidemic, tells us that there are two ''emotional vitamins'' we can provide for our children: clear structure and clear expectations. How do we go about giving our children these two important items? This week we'll explore how to create a clear structure, and next week we'll look at creating expectations.

Why does a child need clear structure? An environment with transparent organization provides the child with an element of protection—protection from physical and psychological abuse. It also provides a framework of adequate challenges for individual development.

Providing clear structure in our homes and schools involves three basic elements: physical, order and human.

The physical aspect of structure allows children to know that they have a place of their own to live and work. The physical elements communicate to children that they belong. Child-sized tables, chairs and activities allow children a certain dignity. Cleanliness, light, fresh air and temperature also communicate an important sense of place. Movement is allowed, and the consequences of movement are considered. The limits to the child's space are well-defined.

The importance of the physical aspect is probably best seen in its absence. A college friend was 6'8''. A classroom we met in had 7-foot ceilings and the standard college student desks. Steve contorted himself into the desks, tried to avoid hitting his head on the doorjambs and ceiling fans. Steve stooped to write on the chalkboard. To pull off a sweater Steve bent over, so his arms wouldn't hit the ceiling. Our children deal with similar discomforts for many years in an oversized world.

The aspect of order might be summed up as ''a place for everything and everything in its place.'' Order might seem obvious to organized people. Kitchen items in the kitchen. Garage items in the garage. Material is grouped by area and sequence, and areas are defined for different activities. We eat at the table. We do watercolors in the kitchen and not the living room. There is order in each activity. Wash your hands before you eat. Put your napkin on your lap. Carry your plate to the kitchen after you eat. There is order in the sequence of activities. At bedtime we brush our teeth, put on our pajamas, read a story, go to the bathroom, say our prayers, turn off the lights and kiss goodnight. There is order in the life of the group. We go to school and work on Monday through Friday. On Saturdays we run errands and play. On Sunday we go to church and read the color comics. The order must be respected and understood by adults in order to provide an unambiguous organization to the child.

Structure for the child also has a human dimension that includes adults and children. The adult's role in providing structure is to direct the child's activities and to prepare those activities. In these activities, the adult needs to respect the child as a fellow human being. The adult also observes the child's interaction with the world and looks for the aspects of concentration and independence that the child exhibits. As adults, we protect the few rules of basic order for the child, and we keep the environment clean and neat. Activities for the child are accessible and are in good working order. We model what it means to be an adult by being careful of our appearance, keeping healthy and rested, along with staying interesting to the child by pursuing our own interests.

The child's role in this structured environment is to self-construct an adult. An amazing feat. We assist the child in providing as unambiguous a system as we can, so the child can become an adult with an ''eye that sees, a soul that feels and a hand that obeys.''

Clear structure is a large vitamin to concoct, but it is worth the time and effort. Creating a well-defined organization for our children will help us avoid a few ''pills.''

Next Week: Creating Clear Expectations

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:

Click here for a free subscription

©2006 KIDS TALK™

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing