Balancing Parenthood

Every now and then go away,
Have a little relaxation,
For when you come back to your work
Your judgment will be surer;
Since to remain constantly at work
Will cause you to lose power of judgment.

Go some distance away
Because the work appears smaller
And more of it
Can be taken in at a glance,
And a lack of harmony
Or proportion
Is more readily seen.

~Leonardo Da Vinci (1452-1519)

''Heather is five years old, and I've never left her. Not a night away. Not a babysitter,'' Betsy said as though it were a badge of honor.

The joy we experience as new parents bonds us to our children. We want to be close. To provide food and protection, we must be nearby. Babies and young children require holding and hugging to feel loved. To meet these childhood needs, parents have two basic tasks. We have to invest time with our children, and we have to be able to see each child's point of view.

From the moment of conception, parents balance personal needs and desires with the needs of their unborn child. We eat right. We avoid unhealthy substances. We try to think pleasant thoughts. We listen to whale songs. We get extra sleep. We buy hundreds of dollars of baby supplies.

Caring for a newborn and ourselves takes 110% of our time. A newborn depends totally on his or her mother and father. The mother depends on the father for strength and encouragement. These new relationships consume us, as well they should.

Parenting is an intense and satisfying activity with a ''gotchya.'' The ''gotchya''--parents are to produce an independent adult from a helpless seven-pound being. We have to go from caring for an infant who needs us 24 hours a day to being the parent of adult who doesn't need us at all.

Parents tell us they want their adult children to possess these qualities:
Happiness, confidence, independence, responsibility, respectfulness, a loving and giving nature, excitement about life, self-motivation, lifelong-learning, financial security, empathy, compassion, integrity and being a world-citizen.

These attributes are the long-term goals we have for our children, and not surprisingly, for ourselves.

Our children can achieve these attributes, if we consider two questions:
1. What do our children need, and how can we meet their needs?
2. Are we focused more on our children's behavior than their needs?

Focusing on our children's needs to help achieve our long-term goals means that we have to relinquish control of the process. We have to focus on needs instead of behavior. Because in the end, the process of child rearing is not about what we want. It's about what our children need to become fully functioning adults.

Betsy's comment about never spending a night away from her daughter made me wonder whose needs were being served, mother's or daughter's. It is important to know that ''every now and then'' we need to step away from our work to get a perspective and to see if all is in proportion. As a friend of mine says, ''Take a reality check.''

Let's take Da Vinci's advice to ''have a little relaxation'' and make the time to step back from our work with our children. It should help us get a view of the big picture and ''enhance our power of judgment'' to see what our children need in their journeys to adulthood.

Next week: Gardening: Teaching Love for the Earth

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Complete Collection of the Shining Light Reading Series Now Available on DVD
Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

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