Some Alternatives to Saying ''No''

There are some days in February that seem as if all we do as parents is say ''no.''

''No, Susan can't spend the night. Your brother has the flu.''

''No, you cannot go bike riding right now. It's dark.''

''No, we can't go to the mall. It's supposed to start snowing soon.''

Bad weather, illnesses and long nights seem to conspire to make the shortest month of the year the longest.

Add to this wintry mix children who, when hearing the word ''no,'' see it as a call to arms, as a personal attack on their independence, and turn all their pent-up energy and frustrations toward their parents. These children have tantrums, screams, call names, stomp off, slam doors and pout. I hope none of these darlings have been at your house, but if needed, read on.

How can we stand firm when we must answer negatively to a request, while at the same time side-step confrontation, maintain harmony in the household and allow our children to preserve their independence and dignity? Did I include, ''retain our sanity?''

Here are some helpful hints from the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. First published in 1980, this book was one of the first on my parenting shelves, and I wouldn't doubt that I purchased it in February.

Give information.
When met with a situation, we can give information that will help the child figure out that right now is not a good time.

For, ''Mom, can I invite Jimmy over to play?'' instead of saying, ''No, you can't,'' give decision-making facts.

''Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.''

You don't have to say no, and your child should have enough information to see that the answer is in fact ''no.''

Accept feelings.
Sometimes we can lessen our children's disappointment or frustration if they sense we understand their feelings.

''But Dad, I don't want to go to bed right now.''

Instead of ''no,'' we might say, ''I can understand if it were up to you, you would stay up all night, so you wouldn't miss a thing.''

Describe the problem.
''Mom, can Lucy spend the night?''

''I'd like to say yes, but your grandparents are coming this weekend.''

Give yourself time to think.
Your child says, ''Dad, can I have a horse at my birthday party?''

You can respond, ''Let me think about it, please.''

When possible, substitute a ''yes'' for a ''no.''
Your child asks, ''Can we go to the mall''

Instead of saying, ''No, I've got to finish the laundry,'' you could say, ''Yes, just as soon as the laundry is folded and put away.''

These suggestions may seem like a lot of work and the hard way to say ''no.'' But considering some of the drama we may encounter, sometimes the high road is the shortcut to where we want to go.

If none of these work for you, there is always, ''Because I said so.'' Then we can move to other languages: Nein. Nichts. Non. Nej. Nyet.

Happy Parenting!

Next week: When All Else Fails, Sing

Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

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