The Truth About Tattle Tales
''Don't be a tattle tale,'' Jessica told her seven-year-old son Eric.
''But, Mom, it's not fair. Tom threw the ball over the fence. He should get in trouble,'' Eric said.
''Your brother will have to figure out how to get his ball back. That's the trouble he's in,'' Jessica told Eric.
''But, Mom!'' Eric replied.
Children tattling on siblings, friends or classmates behavior can be annoying. Very annoying. And nobody likes a tattle tale, or so it's said.
Personally, I like tattling, at least for a bit. When I see a child tattling, I know they are trying to figure out the rules, spoken and unspoken, and how the rules are enforced. The tattlers are trying to ascertain which rules are critical and which rules can be bent or broken without serious consequences. In short, tattlers are trying to create their personal value system, and they need some help to discern the details.
Some children seem to intuitively understand the intricacies of rules and which ones are the most important. There are some children who have the verbal skills and self-confidence to remind a friend or brother, ''We're not supposed to throw the ball over the fence.'' These children don't feel a need to tattle.
The child who comes to us with names and infractions is trying to figure it out. In reality this child is asking for affirmation and clarification of a rule, as well as a clear understanding of the consequences of breaking a rule.
How should we deal with a tattler? Here's what's worked for me.
First, state the problem about which the child is concerned. Restate the rule or expectation. Ask the child why he thinks we have the rule. Empower the child to restate the rule to the offender, as a ''friendly reminder.'' Let's go back to Eric's conversation with his mother Jessica.
''Eric, so you are concerned that Tom threw his ball over the fence on purpose,'' Jessica said.
''Yeah, he should get in trouble. No TV or dessert or something.''
Jessica continues, ''Why do you think I tell you not to throw the ball over the fence?''
''Because it's a rule, '' Eric replies.
''And a rule because...?''
''I don't know,'' says Eric.
''Eric, if you throw your ball over the fence, there are some things that concern me. First, you won't have a ball with which to play. Second, you might hit and hurt someone or something that you can't see. Third, you shouldn't bother other people's property.''
''Mom, Tom should get in trouble with you for breaking the rules.''
''Eric, can you please go give Tom a friendly reminder about why we have the rule about not throwing balls over the fence. Remind him, too, that he needs to phone the Browns about getting his ball back and that they are gone for a week's vacation.''
Tattling can be about getting attention or trying to get another person in trouble out of jealousy or being mean-spirited. This is more the case with older children. For the five- to seven-year-old, tattling is focused on understanding rules and their consequences.
We want our children to confide in us when they are witnessing or find themselves or others in a potentially dangerous situation, so we need to keep communication open with our tattlers instead of sending them away.
When our children tattle, let's recognize that they are asking for help in understanding the myriad of rules, spoken and unspoken, in our world. Explain the rules and the reasons behind the rules. Empower them to give friendly reminders to friends and siblings. Keep communication open, so they will come to you with the problems that do need adult attention.
When the tattling quiets, we will have an indication that the tattler is beginning to understand and create his or her own value system of what is important in society.
Next week: The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
Kids Talk™ is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.
She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.
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1 Comments:
Hello Maren!
I enjoy your insights and share your interest in assisting teachers and parents in better understanding how to connect and relate to their children and the behaviors they observe, or as they may say, the behaviours they have to deal with!
One other underlying reason I've experienced as to why children tattletale is rooted in a deep need to matter, to be accepted, and to gain love. In environments where there exists favoritism (conscious or not so conscious) a child may see tattletaling as a way to prove they are obeying the adults and pleasing them. They so love the adult that they will obey all the rules they have set forth, to the point of being pedantic about it. Thus, we see this tattletaling behaviour. From the child's perspective, these infractions of adult standards are deemed to be part and parcel of other children's blatant rejection of the adults the reporting child is so needfully seeking acceptance of. Moreover, they are quite confused when the result in not one of endearing them to the adult but rather one of further rejection, irritation or disinterest. For such a child, how painful is this reaction to their sincere effort to do and be "good"??
I'd simply would like to add that more serious abuses (psychological, physical, or sexual) often engender the tattletale behaviours, too. Of course, the effective dealing with such causes is more complex. Yet, dealing with these more wounded children with the methods you so aptly presented would make their lives more sane and workable, too.
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