Understanding a Child's Sense of Order

Three-year-old Abby was the perfect, cheerful morning pre-school student with never a tear or a fret. Until the end of April. All week at dismissal she had begun to cry as soon as I opened the car door. Her mother was greeted with big sobs and screams of "You don't love me!" Her mom was horrified, and I was confused, to say the least. Thursday morning during class I asked her why she was crying at dismissal.

"Because my momma doesn’t love me anymore."

"Why do you think your momma doesn't love you anymore?"

"Because she took my blankie away."

A clue! I called Abby's mom and inquired about the blanket.

"Oh my gosh! It's gotten so warm that when I cleaned out the car last week, I washed it and put it away. Don't worry. I'm putting it in the car now."

When I opened the car door at dismissal, Abby let out a whoop of joy. "Momma, thank you for giving my blankie back. I love you!"

For Abby, life was not right unless her blankie was in her car. Her sense of order told her that her mom's love and the blanket had a connection. Not a logical thought, but Abby was in a sensitive period of development for order. This sensitive period is strongest from birth to age four-and-a-half.

Children are trying to create order out of chaos as they make their way out into the world. Language, movement, family relationships and the ability to discern sensory information all connect in the child's mind to create order and make sense of the world.

At this age, children learn by repetition, by doing the same thing over and over, such as reading the same book, saying the same prayers and singing the same songs. It is how they make order out of chaos. Around age six, with the loss of baby teeth, a more adult learning style develops where learning requires repetition but with variety. Until that time, though, children thrive on this stability in their environment.

Children gain comfort, as well as expertise, in knowing the wooden blocks are in the same place, that the kitchen pans are in the lower left-hand cabinet and that lunch is at noon everyday.

The child's need for order may create seemingly outrageous demands. On his fifth birthday, Paul started to stay all day for the kindergarten program. After two days, he told his parents that he didn't want to go to school anymore because he didn't like lunch.

"Paul," I asked, "what don't you like about lunch at school?"

His bottom lip almost touched the floor. "The food."

"What kind of food would you like at school?"

He went on to name three fast-food places. He was in the habit of eating lunch out several times a week with his dad or mom. Lunch at school just didn't fit in with his established sense of order for lunch. Paul learned to adjust, but not without a lot of complaining to his parents and teachers. We were able to work together, understanding that Paul's sense of order had been disturbed. Mom and Dad took turns coming to lunch at school a couple of times a week, and Paul learned to enjoy "the food," different company and a new routine.

If your child is being difficult and moody, step back and reflect on what recent changes have occurred, remembering the importance of order in the young child. Many times moodiness stems from a change in routine or environment. It might be as simple as having washed the "blankie."


Next Week: Three Period Lesson Aids Sensory Development

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
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©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Sensitive Periods for Learning from Birth to Six

Before the age of six, human beings are in a unique period of learning and development. At this time in our lives, certain information is absorbed by our personalities without conscious effort. Young children learn to walk, talk and do hundreds of things without formal instruction or being aware of learning. Dr. Maria Montessori (1870-1952), an Italian physician, described these stages as sensitive periods of development.

Sensitive periods are characterized by five observable behaviors. Children seem to be drawn to certain work, and we see 1) a well-defined activity with a beginning, middle and end; 2) the activity is irresistible for the child once he or she starts it; 3) the same activity is returned to time and again; 4) a passionate interest develops and 5) a restful and tranquil state comes at the finish of the activity. Once the sensitive period is over, children are not drawn to certain activities as before. Three-year-olds love to wash their hands because they are in a sensitive period, whereas ten-year-olds are not.

There are five sensitive periods of development from birth to age six: Language, Order, Refinement of the Senses, Movement and Social Relations. For the next five weeks, I'll be writing about these sensitive periods, starting with social relations.
Between ages 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 children are learning social skills and manners that will be the foundation for their social interactions. Between the ages of 12 to 15, there is another developmental period when young teens are open to developing and polishing social skills. This is one reason that dance lessons and cotillion are offered at this age.

Between ages three to six, children are learning social cues, such as, when to say "please" and "thank you" and to whom, how to meet people, shake hands and on and on. Children are also learning how to care for themselves: dressing, tying shoes, eating, washing, bathing, brushing hair and teeth are among the many self-care skills children are learning at this age. Also children are interested in learning to care for their home and family by making beds, cleaning, sweeping, cooking and gardening. These early practical skills strengthen social skills and relationships throughout our lives.

We can assist our children in acquiring skills by modeling and giving simple instructions. Allowing our children to watch and interact with us as we work models vital skills. We can also give short "lessons." For social skills, though, the teachable moment is not when we expect a certain behavior, but rather beforehand, with indirect preparation.

Perhaps neighbors are coming over for coffee. What social skills will your child need to be successful in this situation? Some of the social skills you might want to teach are greeting the neighbor, introducing oneself, offering a place to sit, offering food or drink, thanking guests for the visit and saying goodbye. A short lesson for self-introduction might go like this:
"William, our neighbors are coming for coffee on Saturday. When they get here I'd like for you to introduce yourself. This is how you introduce yourself. Extend your hand, and shake hands. Then say, "Hello. My name is William. I'm glad to meet you." Now let's pretend that I am Mr. or Ms. Jones. I'll walk through the door, and you can practice greeting me."

Your child can practice with you several times before the visit. When the neighbors arrive, welcome them and cue your child by saying, "I'd like you to meet my son."

If William cannot remember what to do, forcing him to perform is not recommended. Just smile, and go ahead and introduce him, knowing that some additional preparation is necessary. Remember, the teachable moment is not at the moment we are asking them to perform a new skill. Shyness, embarrassment, tiredness and hunger can all contribute to an inability to perform a new skill, as we've all experienced.

To develop social skills, analyze what needs to be learned according to the situation and your child's behavior. Model with your own behavior, and prepare your child indirectly with short lessons. In this way you can assist your child in acquiring social skills for a lifetime of successful relationships.

Next week: Understanding a Child's Sense of Order

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
http://www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Five Steps to Problem Solving with Children

"Stop!" I heard six-year-old Alan tell a couple of three-year-old girls. "I think you've got a problem."

Lila and Susan, the three-year-olds, were tugging and grunting to see who would get possession of a puzzle. Alan continued, "I think you both want to do this puzzle by yourself. Do you want to work this out?"

Lila and Susan stopped, looked at Alan and nodded in agreement. "You can either take turns or choose something else. What do you think is best?" Alan politely asked them.

I watched this classroom scene unfold as Susan decided to choose another puzzle and Lila promised to let Susan know when she was finished using the puzzle. No tears. No hitting. I witnessed peaceful problem solving with no adult intervention.

"No way!" you are probably thinking. "That's just not real." As a friend of mine said, "Alan sure doesn't sound like any six-year-old I know." It can be a typical scenario if we will show young children a simple five-step problem-solving technique. By the time they are six, they will sound older than their years.

A basic ground rule in conflict resolution with children is that they must use their words to solve their problems. There is to be no hitting, biting, kicking or name-calling; in short, no action intended to harm others may be used. The adult's initial role is to step the children through the process, acting as facilitator. Like Alan, at some point, the child will step into the facilitator's role. Let's look at this five-step problem solving method.

Step 1: Recognizing a Problem
In my example, six-year-old Alan saw two children struggling with a puzzle. So he said, "Stop. I think you've got a problem." This statement helps those in conflict disengage and shift their focus. Sometimes just stopping will help us see our actions and change our behavior without any other intervention. If the behavior does continue, we need to make sure the children in conflict stop before we move to the next step in problem solving.

Step 2: Identifying the Problem
Alan at this point said, "I think you both want to use the puzzle at the same time." Susan or Lila might have said, "No, that's not the problem. She's putting the puzzle in the wrong place." As facilitators, we have to listen to make sure the problem is clearly stated and that everyone agrees to work on the problem before we move on to the next step.

Step 3: Brainstorming for Solutions
As adults, we'll see solutions to the problem before the children. State these, and ask if they can think of any more suggestions. It's easy as an adult to want to quickly resolve a situation and force our own solution. We're trying to teach the process, so give the children time to think of other solutions and evaluate all suggestions before moving on to the next step.

Step 4: Choosing the Best Solution
After the group agrees that they have looked at all the possible solutions, it will be time to pick the best one. Restate all the solutions and have them choose the best one. State the selected solution clearly, as in our example: Susan will choose another puzzle, and Lila promises to let Susan know when she is finished.

Step 5: Checking Back to Make Sure It's Working
This is the step that is easy to forget. It is important to check back with each person to make sure the solution is working. If not, call back the children, and restart the problem solving process again.

The first few times as a facilitator with children, this process may seem very long and formal. I used to have a handmade poster in my classroom to remind everyone of each step. Amazingly, using these five steps consistently, children realize they work and will begin to problem solve on their own. Even after they are independently problem solving, we may have to step in every once in a while to get the process back on track.

Remember, we all forget once in a while! Be kind if you or the children do the steps less than perfectly. Children are resilient. One of my favorite parenting sayings is: It's hard to remember the objective is to drain the swamp, when you're up to your eyeballs in alligators.

Parenting is tough. We're all just trying to do the best we can.

Begin using this problem solving method with your three- to six-year-olds to create a foundation for a lifetime of effective problem solving. What you might get in return is a teenager who, instead of slamming a door, comes to you saying, "Mom, Dad, I have a problem. Here are some possible solutions. Can you help me think of any more?" Stranger things have happened.

Consider using this problem-solving tool today, whatever your children's ages. Count to ten when the squabbling begins, and use this five-step method to help your children learn to solve disputes.

Next week: Critical Periods in Early Development

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
http://www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Letters of Encouragement

Twenty years ago, my husband and I took a video-based parenting course called "Active Parenting" developed by Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D. Impressed with all the valuable information I was able to put to immediate use, I became an Active Parenting instructor for several years.

One of the many "gems" from the course was writing "letters of encouragement." These were short notes written by parents to their children to keep them from becoming discouraged or giving up in a challenging situation. You may ask, "Why write a note to a three- to six-year-old child who can't even read?" Honestly, I thought the same thing at one time. It may seem like an unnecessary effort, but I've discovered some things in the past few years about these letters.

Last year, my daughter and I cleaned and painted her bedroom in preparation for her graduation from college and moving into her own apartment. As we moved furniture and emptied file cabinets, my daughter showed me a folder of notes that her dad and I had written to her over the years. Many were simple handwritten notes. A few follow:

• "I know you'll have those training wheels off before Santa comes."
• "Keep trying. You'll break that board in Taekwondo."
• "It's never easy when a friend is upset with you. You’ll figure out how to do the right thing."
• “"It's hard to be away from home."
• "Thanks for being such a big help in the kitchen today."

I hadn't realized she had kept them or how important the notes had been to her. Seeing these simple words after so many years brought to my attention how things had changed. Since leaving home for college and beyond, my daughters now were writing me notes of encouragement.

When I penned my "letters of encouragement" I didn't think of them as anything but a note for a certain incident, a kind word or a little push to get over a bump in the road. What I discovered, while painting the bedroom, was that I had planted seeds for my children to encourage others, myself included. I felt like Jack and the Beanstalk. While I wasn't looking, something so little had grown quite large. What a wonderful discovery!

Why not take a few minutes today and write each of your children a letter of encouragement? For good measure, include your significant other, too. Just one sentence will do. You can even write it on a sticky note. Read them out loud if necessary. Get in the habit of stopping at least once a month and thinking about what words of encouragement you can offer to your family, and write them. You'll be sowing seeds that will grow for a lifetime.

For more information about Active Parenting, visit www.activeparenting.com.

Next week: A Five-Step Problem-Solving Method for Children

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.
Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
http://www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Understanding the Three Levels of Obedience for a Three-Year-Old

Sometimes when I am working on the computer, I feel like a three-year-old. At least, I think I feel like a three-year-old. I try to do some function that I haven't done in a while, and I look at the computer screen wondering how I did it. When I am utterly confused, I'll phone one of my daughters and ask, "How do I…?" Fortunately for me, they always laugh and say, "Oh, Momma!"

What does this have to do with a three-year old? A three-year-old is having new experiences, learning new skills and working on self-mastery of those skills, just like I do on the computer. Some days they can do something on their own, and other days they need assistance. This is because learning occurs in three stages, as follows:

At the first stage, we can do an activity with assistance.
At the second stage, we can do an activity when we are asked to do it.
At the third stage, we can do the activity independently and are fully aware of when it needs to be done.

In the example of my computer skills, trying to learn how to double-line format was a challenge. The first time, I had to be shown the series of steps. First stage. Then I could do it when someone reminded me of the steps. Second stage. I am proud to report that I can now do it with no assistance and no reminders. Third stage, or independence.

As we learn new skills, we go back and forth between stages one and two. What leads us to independence is repeating the activity with additional instruction. This independence allows us to obey a command or request.

Obey. We tend to think that it means, "to carry out a command without question." The word obey comes from the Latin oboediere, meaning "to listen or to hear." To obey, we listen and then make a choice to follow the command. If we hear a command from someone we trust, we will usually choose to carry out the command, if we know how to do it and have no conflicting information. We can also follow a command out of fear. To the casual observer it might appear in both instances that the command has been followed without question.

For the participants in an activity, command giver/command follower, teacher/student or parent/child, the dynamics of fear and trust create a relationship. To build a relationship based on trust, it is critical to understand the skills necessary to accomplish a command.

Most three-year-olds have a strong desire to please the adults in their lives and are willing to do what we ask. What children lack are the experience and the skill. We can look at their ability to obey or level of obedience in this way:

First Level: will | no experience | no skill
Second Level: will | experience | no skill
Third Level: will | experience | skill

In a trusting relationship, the child is eager to learn new activities. Remembering all the steps in an activity is difficult, and children need to be shown many times. Because they are keen to learn, children are always watching others, which is a reason to be a good example.

To master a skill, children need to repeat an activity perhaps hundreds of times. Children need the opportunity to do activities uninterrupted with the freedom to make mistakes without being corrected during the activity. The exception to this is when there is immediate danger to the child or property. Observing a child's "mistakes" and "messes" gives us a clue of what needs to be retaught. Also, being interrupted or not being allowed to finish an activity can be the cause of frustration that may be expressed as a temper tantrum.

So we teach and re-teach as the child moves between levels one and two, and then one beautiful day, the child is working at the third level of obedience.

Let's take an example of making a bed. At the first level, the child is shown how to make a bed. The child shows willingness by trying to make the bed the next morning. The bedspread is hanging too low on one side and there are lumps. Being friendly with error, the adult simply states, "You made the bed by yourself."

The next day the child forgets to make the bed. The adult gives another demonstration, wordlessly looking at both sides of the spread to make sure they are even. The next day the child makes the bed. The fourth day the child forgets to make the bed. The adult reminds the child, and the child goes cheerfully to make the bed. If the child protests, the adult simply smiles and says "Let's do it together," knowing that the child may have forgotten how to do it.

After a few days the child can make the bed with just a verbal reminder. At some point, weeks, months or years, the child will reach the third level and make the bed perfectly without any reminders. (Parents of teenagers are allowed to roll their eyes if still waiting on this third level of obedience.)

All of us learn faster and better in a trusting relationship. Trust is developed by offering assistance in a clear, concise and kind manner. The adult doesn't ask the child to do something that is too difficult or belittle the child for not being able to do it. The adult remembers that it takes many reteachings to get to the second level of obedience and much practice to arrive at the third level.

The adult needs to observe the child's will, skill and experience levels before asking them to do something. We can offer assistance to the child, keeping in mind "any unnecessary help is a hindrance."

For the three- to six-year-old, these levels of skill, experience and obedience are changing daily. As adults, we need to remain "friendly with error" as the child's experience and memory propel them to the third level of obedience, an obedience built on a relationship of trust and mutual respect.

Next Week: Letters of Encouragement

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net