Forgive and Forget

"Forgive and forget" is a phrase that is given as advice. As a child, I remember being upset over a transgression and yelling, "I don't want to forgive her, and I won't forget it!" Forgive and forget seemed to mean that I should pardon the misdeed and pretend it never happened. That, in my mind, just wasn't right.

When a neighbor girl pushed me down, causing me to skin my knees, and proceeded to take my popsicle money, it seemed plain stupid to pardon the grievance and pretend it had never happened. Surely I needed to remember the incident, so I could protect myself from it happening again. Pardon the grievance? Taking my popsicle money was stealing. All I knew was that stealing was on the list of don'ts for the Ten Commandments. These were ten things that God didn't want us to forget, so how could I? This is the way I saw it when I was six years old.

As I've had children of my own and taught school, I've learned that hurt occurs in one of two ways: accidentally or intentionally. We need to help our children be prepared to deal with the inevitable in their lives.

Accidents hurt as much as an intentional wound. I've taught my pre-school students that when an accident occurs, they have responsibilities. If they are hurt, they need to let the others involved know that they are and what they need to remedy it, as it may not be apparent. For example, "I hurt my knee. Can you get me a bandage?"

If their actions caused an accident, I coached them to offer an apology. By ignoring the incident and not apologizing, they ran the risk of people thinking they acted on purpose. The sooner an apology is offered, the better. Between the ages of three to six, children are in a critical period for learning social skills, so showing them how to apologize can be done in a matter-of-fact way.

An apology consists of four steps. First, say you're sorry. Secondly, ask how to help the other person get back to normal or feel better. Then offer to change behavior, so the incident doesn't recur. Finally, ask for the apology to be accepted. A sincere apology might sound like this: "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to run into you. Are you hurt? How can I help you? I'll be more careful about where I’m going. Will you accept my apology?"

Being accidentally hurt by a person who expresses concern about you can be forgiven and forgotten. Most of the hurts of a three- to six-year-old are accidental. As we get older, unfortunately, we need to learn to deal with those who intended to harm us.

With intentional aggression, we need to teach a deeper interpretation of "forgive and forget." Our elementary-age children will deal with people taking their possessions, name calling, physical threats and more. As adults, we may have to deal with the person who robs our house, the co-worker who lies and gossips about us or the con artist who embezzles our savings. People with no remorse, who hurt us intentionally, are hard to forget about and forgive.

It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting to hurt those who have hurt us. We want to avenge ourselves and prove they are wrong. Wanting to get even can consume us and rob us of enjoying our lives. We all know of people who have spent years trying to get even. They couldn't forget about the incident or forgive it. If they had known how, they could have recovered and gotten on with their lives. Isn't this what we want for our children?

Forgive is an old word, from the Old English word to "give forth." Give forth what? Love. To heal our wounds, we must "give forth" love to our aggressor. Just as we can't expect orange juice from a lemon, we can't expect people who feel unloved to show love to others.

There are stories of people "forgiving" the murderers of loved ones. "Giving forth" love was the beginning of the healing process for the survivors. The forgiven murderers also began to feel remorse and heal as they experienced, probably for the first time in their lives, the power of love and forgiveness. The murderer is not pardoned. He still has to suffer the consequences of his actions. His actions are not condoned.

The process of "giving forth" love by forgiving releases victim and perpetrator from a downward spiral of revenge and hatred. Forgiving helps them heal and regain peaceful lives.

Forgiving is a gift to ourselves because it lets us heal and reclaim our lives. We also need to forget. To forget, we have to "get forth" with our lives and not be consumed with revenge or hatred. If we don't move forward and continue to dwell on the injustices of the past, we will be stuck in a morass of hatred, losing the joyfulness of our lives.

To help our children, we need to remember the old phrase, "Give forth and get forth." Forgive and forget. It is not about pardoning and ignoring wrongdoing. It is a time-tested adage to help us live a life filled with love and joy and experience the power of living in the now.

Next Week: Three Levels of Obedience

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Taming the Television Monster

"All my three- and four-year-old want to do is watch TV. They fuss about having to turn off the TV at dinner and bedtime. They wouldn't even play with their friends yesterday because their favorite shows were on. I think I've let it get out of hand," lamented Robin.

I was impressed to hear Robin take responsibility for the situation. Television is an easy thing to let take over, with big screens and DVD players, surround sound, 100 cable stations and children's stations. Children are usually quiet when they are watching TV, so it can ease into our lives with no awareness. Video and computer games could be included in this discussion.

Children under the age of six want to be near you all the time it seems. Why fight it? Use it to your advantage. How? By setting up an activity center in your home. In a short time, the center will be more satisfying to your children than television.

I recommend that every home with small children have a child-sized table and chairs. Small shelves can be purchased inexpensively at an office supply or discount store. White melamine boards and glass blocks purchased from a building supply also make an attractive three-shelf unit for an activity center. The kitchen, dining room or family room are good areas to put your activity center.

After you have shelves, put six to ten activities on the shelves in baskets or trays. A crafty friend of mine used wallpaper to cover oatmeal and shoe boxes for their center. This is a sample of what might be on the shelves:

• A puzzle board
• A basket of duplo blocks
• A wooden bead stringing exercise
• A shoe lacing activity
• A basket of three or four books
• A basket of wooden blocks
• Button sorting in a muffin tin or egg carton

For four-year-olds and up, add art activities such as colored pencils and paper on a tray, homemade salt dough with a plastic place mat or a mosaic gluing activity with a glue stick and colored bits of paper.

Show your children how to use these things properly and how to return them to order on the shelves. You might want to change out items every week or two. Give the children about a week to get used to using the activities.

Next comes the challenging part. One night after the children are asleep, unplug all of the television sets. If you have any budding electrical engineers, you might have to turn the electricity to the television off at the breaker. When the children try to turn on the television the next day, they will "discover" that it doesn't work.

If your child has a television or computer in his or her room, consider removing it permanently. You can console them by saying, "Too bad. Why don't you get something from your activity shelf?" They might cry and complain, but remain cheerful and direct them to their activity center.

To optimize their learning, children need to use their hands and heads together. Granted, television can give good information, but watching it robs our children of hands-on activities that develop important skills such as drawing, building, sewing and reading, to only name a few.

Using an activity center, they will become active, imaginative learners instead of passive learners. I challenge you to turn off your television for one week. It takes a bit of planning, but I think you will discover something wonderful.

Robin marveled at the changes in her children, and they went more than a month without the television. Robin told me, "After a week, they didn't even ask about it." It could happen to you. Happy parenting!

(Helpful hint for world peace: If Dad has to watch the game, ask a friend to have him over.)

Favorite Salt Dough Recipe
1-cup flour
1/2-cup salt
1-cup water
1-tablespoon cream of tartar
1-tablespoon oil

Stir and cook the ingredients in a saucepan until rubbery. Knead slightly. Food coloring may be added. Cool and store in a plastic container.

Next Week: Forgive and Forget

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Using Positive Statements with Children

"If I tell Ginny not to do something, she just looks me in the eye and does it. She seems defiant," Sam, Ginny's dad, told me at a company picnic.

Ginny, an almost four-year-old curly-headed brunette, ran over from the swings at the park. "Ginny, how about playing a little game with me? I'm going to ask you to do some things like sit, stand on one leg or smile. Are you ready?"

Ginny eagerly awaited my instructions. She perfectly followed my commands to sit, walk, jump, hop on one leg, bend over, blink her eyes, pat her head, clap her hands and more. I then threw in a command, "Don't jump." She looked at me with big eyes and then…jumped, followed by a grimace. I returned to giving positive commands. She again followed all my commands. Then I said, "Don't smile." Her eyebrows went up. She smiled and squealed, "I can't do it!"

I laughed with her and said, "Yes, the don'ts are hard to do."

As Ginny ran back to the swings, I asked Sam if he had seen what happened.

"Well, it looked like she just couldn't keep herself from jumping or smiling when you told her not to do those things," observed Sam.

"Did you see a defiant look on her face?" I ventured.

"Before, I thought it was defiance. Now I know it's confusion. Why is that?" Sam questioned me.

"Until about age seven, the brain hasn't developed enough to understand what 'don't' means and have the rest of the body act on it. 'Don't jump' actually means 'do anything but jump.' Life experience tells us it means, 'stand still.' It takes a lot of language experience to correctly react to a negative command."

"How can I change what I say to Ginny so she understands better?" Sam asked.

I told Sam that I could give him a list of positive statements. Also, I cautioned him that it takes a while to change our language patterns because we are so used to saying things like "don't run," instead of "walk." From what I've observed in children, changing is worth the effort.

"Sam," I continued, "once you get used to stating commands in the positive, you'll find that you are clearer and more explicit in your instructions to everyone."

One mom, who took the time to use the following list, said her performance review at work highlighted her "ability to state things in a clear and positive manner." Not only had her child benefited, her co-workers had, too. Use this list, along with modeling desired behavior, to help your child learn to "do the don'ts."

A short list of positive statements
Don't talk. = Please be quiet.
Don't run. = Walk.
Don’t go that way. = Come here. Stay with me.
Don't touch. = Put your hands behind your back.
Don't forget. = Remember your jacket.
Don't wiggle. = Sit like this.
Don't play with your food. = Use your fork.
Don't throw that. = Stop. Put it down. Hand me that.
Don't play the TV loud. = Make the TV quieter.
Don't yell. = Speak softly. Use an inside voice.
Don't hit. = Use your words to solve your problems.
Don't make a face. = Smile.
To make statements more positive, add please and thank you!

Next Week: Taming the Television Monster

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Making Dinner Time Enjoyable

"What's your most difficult time of day?" I asked Sue and Bob, parents of three children under the age of six. They had requested a conference for advice about table manners.

"Dinner time," Sue answered without hesitation. "Definitely dinner time. It's crazy. The kids are up and down. They don't eat what I've fixed. It's a zoo, and I feel like we're not doing anything right."

"Besides eating, what do you hope to accomplish at dinner time?" I asked.

Bob gave me a blank look and then grinned. "I hadn't thought about it like that. We're trying to do a lot, aren't we?" Teaching manners, prayers and thankfulness, trying new foods, fostering family communication and establishing a family ritual of being together were important items for Bob and Sue. No wonder they felt overwhelmed by "table manners."

My next request was, "Describe your perfect family dinner."

Sue shook her head. "This is going to sound far-fetched, but it's like we're at an elegant restaurant. Soft lights, candles, classical music in the background, pretty linens and dishes, flowers on the table and interesting conversation. Everyone is smiling and says the food is delicious. And I'm not stuck with cleaning up."

Bob chuckled. "I'm lower maintenance. I'd love to have dinner without raising my voice. If we could have Sue's dream, I'd say that would be perfect."

"Now we have the big picture of what you want. Let's break it into manageable steps and design a six-week action plan," I told them. Here is Sue and Bob's plan. It's more ambitious than most of us would consider, but I hope you'll see a parenting tool.

Week One: Set the mood with lighting, music and conversation
Sue and Bob called a family meeting to discuss their desire to change dinner time. They asked Ben, age 5 1/2, Sarah, 4, and Luke, 2 1/2, for things they enjoyed and didn't enjoy about dinner time. The main complaints were not having enough warning to get ready and that it was boring. They decided to dim the lights in the house and play soft music fifteen minutes before dinner was to be ready. This was a cue to get washed up and set the table. On Saturday morning when things were not rushed, Sue and Bob showed the children how to set the table. They moved dishes, silverware and placemats so the children could reach them. Sue and Bob planned to tell a story about their day or childhood.

Week Two: Focus on prayer and thankfulness
Sue put a candle that wouldn't tip easily near the table and lit it after everyone was seated. The candle became the signal for prayer and stillness. The answering machine kept the phone from interrupting dinner. Sue or Bob blew out the candle to conclude mealtime, which served as a sign for everyone to thank the cook.

Week Three: Flowers, Trying New Food and Not Complaining
Sue purchased five small vases and silk flowers. At family meeting, they made flower arrangements. The vases became part of each place setting and served as a reminder to try each dish without complaining and to be thankful. Sue included raw vegetables with dip at every dinner per the children's request. After the candle was blown out, the children could fix a peanut butter sandwich if they were still hungry.

Week Four: Learning to Clean-Up
This week, the children were shown how to carry dishes and put them in the dishwasher, practicing with clean dishes. Bob supervised the dishwasher as the children cleared the table. Sue promised to stay calm if a dish broke.

Week Five: Additional Clean-Up
Sue and Bob showed the children how to wipe off the table, sweep under the table and tuck in the chairs. Sue found a child-sized broom and dustpan and cut sponges in half to be the right size for small hands to squeeze dry.

Week Six: At Last!
Dinner time was going so well, Bob and Sue wondered why they had been upset about it. "Everything is not perfect," Sue confessed. "We give 'friendly reminders' and re-teach if someone forgets something. The nights that Bob is out of town are harder." Bob added, "The kids are great. They know what we expect, and they try hard to do it. It can fall apart, though, if they're tired or sick. We feel so successful that we've started a plan for bath and bed times."

Even if Sue and Bob's dinner plans are too elaborate for you, I hope you can use this tool to change challenging situations. To plan change: Step back and get the big picture of what's important to you. Make an action plan with family input. Share the plan with all family members. Be clear about expectations. Realize that some steps in your plan may take weeks. Have fun as you implement your plan, and make adjustments when something doesn't work. You'll be able to turn screams into dreams.

Next Week: Using Positive Statements

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net