Engaging Cooperation

When we get into a hurry to have something done, we often offer a reward to the person who gets the job done first. Years ago, I remember reading about a sales organization that had restructured its reward system. In the past the company had always given a trip to their top three salespeople. Historically there had always been a large gap in sales between the third and fourth person. A new sales manager proposed a change in the reward system. She doubled the sales goal for the year. The sales manager told the sales team that when they met this goal, everyone on the team would go to Hawaii, with a spouse or friend.

After initial grumbling and disbelief, the sales team figured out that they needed to work together so that everyone could win. It was all or none. Much to their CEO's amazement, the sales organization met their objective by August. The least productive salesperson performed at the level of the previous year's top sale associate. This sales manager knew how to engage cooperation. She knew everyone was in the same boat, and she found a powerful way for the sales associates to understand it.

To engage cooperation with our children, we need to help our children understand that we are all in this together. In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Faber and Mazlich tell us we need to come with an attitude of respect that communicates to our children that we think they are loveable, smart and capable people who are willing to do the responsible thing when they see a problem. The authors suggest the following five ways to engage cooperation:

1. Describe what you see, or describe the problem.
2. Give information.
3. Say it with a word.
4. Describe what you feel.
5. Write a note.

Let's take an example. The den needs to be picked up for company. To engage cooperation we could do the following:
To describe: There are toys on the floor that need to be put away. There are crayons on the table. There are shoes under the table. Coats on the couch.

Give information: The Browns are coming in 15 minutes. I don't think they can walk in the den without tripping on toys.
Say it in a word: Pick up time! Or, the den!
Describe feelings: I'd love for the Browns to see our home without a lot of clutter.
Write a note: Emergency! Company Coming! Clean Up! Apple Pie for Dessert!

When we can avoid making chores into a competition, that is, rewarding our children for doing something first, or the fastest, we will also avoid the power struggles that can emerge from a child's thinking this is a contest between me and you. When we can help everyone in our family understand that working together benefits us all, when we can engage cooperation, we'll help create stronger individuals and a stronger family.

Next Week: Put First Things First

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

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925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Teaching Children to Love

The purpose of the adult of the species, any species, is to ensure the success of the next generation. From bees to bears, from hyenas to humans, every adult's job is to provide for the young. Someone did it for us. Now it is our turn to give back, ideally giving more than we were given. We assure the success of future generations by teaching our children to love.

We may think our jobs and our careers are solely about us and that children have nothing to do with our work. If careers are based only on our individual desires or needs, at some point we will feel that something is lacking. We see ourselves as teachers, lawyers, warehouse workers, doctors, sales managers, company associates, etc., but our real job is to assure the success of the next generation. Wherever we are, whoever we are, our job is to help others see things through eyes of love.

When we lose that connection to love, that is the moment that things start to go downhill, sometimes quickly, and other times so slowly that we do'’t realize anything has changed until it is too late to avoid the consequences of broken relationships, feelings of isolation, anger and hateful behavior. It is in our families that we learn to love and to express that love. Our families are also where we can learn to be fearful of the world and learn to express fear in its many damaging ways.

Dr. Phil McGraw in his book, Family First, writes about helping families out of extreme conflict and unloving behavior. Dr. Phil tells these families, "You're not bad people. You've just lost your way." How quickly we lose our way when we choose not to use the energy of love.

We show our love through our actions, through our work and through our words. As Shakespeare said it in the play Two Gentlemen from Verona, "They do not know love that do not show their love.” To teach our children to love, we must show our love. We must learn how to express our love in all its billions of variations. To have love, teach love.

Creating a loving response to the many unloving actions we encounter is a challenge. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians wrote:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Love never fails. For that reason, it is our most important thing to teach, perhaps the only thing we should teach.

Next Week: Engaging Cooperation

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Remember Happy Times with Family Pictures

Max was hosting a Christmas party in his new home. Recently married, this was Max's first gathering of friends since both of his parents had died. Max's mother and father had always hosted an open house, and Max wanted to continue the tradition. Upon our arrival, Max gave us a tour of his new home. Vivid is my memory of the hallway lined with family photographs. There were brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents—laughing and smiling from places all over the world for over 70 years.
Max told us story after story from the gallery of pictures. I knew then that Max had the strength to deal with the loss of his parents and that this wall of happy memories would help Max get through the rough stuff. Max's pictures inspired my husband and me to create a wall full of photos that we affectionately call our "Rogues' Gallery."

With digital cameras and computers, our pictures are at risk to not be incorporated into our everyday life. Photos are powerful images to remind us of the happy times in our families and inspire us to create those events. In the day-to-day stresses of our lives, we can misplace our warm and endearing moments. After we've been up three nights in a row with a sick, cranky child, a picture of him or her in a Halloween costume laughing can help put everything in perspective. When our surly teenager stomps through the house, the gallery can help us remember this age is only "temporary." A picture is truly worth a thousand words.

Our Rogues' Gallery started with a few pictures in our bedroom. When we moved to a two-story house, the gallery fit perfectly on the landing of the staircase. Snapshots, formal portraits, handmade cards and drawings make up our gallery. These pictures have served as a daily reminder of what is truly important in our lives, our family and the love that gets us through the good times as well as the difficult times.

With the divorce rate in America approaching the 60% mark, we need to do all we can to remember and celebrate the joyous moments in our family. There will always be trying times in our lives, times when we might want to give up in frustration. Displayed photos help us remember that "This too shall pass."

Create a family photo gallery in your home. Don't hide family memories in your computer, in an album or in boxes. Get those pictures out were everyone can enjoy them. Remembering the fun times will strengthen the bonds in your family, bonds that will be difficult to break.

Next Week: Teaching Children to Love

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Be Proactive and Choose How You'll Parent

"If I have to go to another staff meeting and hear about being proactive, I might react negatively," Ann said as she took off her coat at the coffee shop. "Enough about me. Tell me what you've been writing."

I laughed. Ann probably didn't want to hear about this column, but her comments strengthened my desire to write about the importance of being proactive, the first habit of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

A fundamental principle of being human, Covey tells us, is this: Between stimulus and response, we have the freedom to choose. How we choose is a combination of our levels of self-awareness, imagination, conscience and independent will.

When we have the habit of being proactive, we become responsible for our lives and our situation, along with making decisions based on principles and reflection. To be highly effective in our parenting roles, we need to be in the habit of acting proactively, even, if like my friend Ann, we are weary of hearing about it.

The idea of having the freedom to choose our response, no matter the circumstance, is fundamental to being proactive. Becoming self-aware of our language can help us develop a habit of being in control and not reacting to our problems. Becoming aware of reactive language, then using our imagination, independent will and conscience to view problems differently will create new habits. If we find ourselves saying, "There's nothing I can do," we need to stop and change it to the following: "Let's look at different alternatives." We can turn, "He makes me so mad" into "I can choose how I respond."

Josie, stepmother to four-year old Pete, told me, "Pete drives me crazy. He's loud. He's rude. He's messy. He's destructive. He tore the upholstery on our new couch."

"Why," I asked, "do you choose to let Pete drive you crazy?"

"What do you mean, 'I choose to let him drive me crazy?'" Josie shot me an angry look.

"Just that. I think you can change this situation by choosing to think differently about Pete, stepping back and using your imagination."

"What we feeds grows," I continued. "If you are concentrating on the behaviors that drive you crazy, then Pete's misbehavior becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as you look for more behavior to 'drive you crazy.'"

"I should look for behavior that doesn't drive me crazy and not react to the stuff that bothers me?" Josie said, eyebrows arching.

"Think of it as backwards thinking or trying to look at a situation with imagination and humor. I think as soon as you realize you are the adult-in-charge, and you choose to let a four-year-old boy and his behavior 'drive you sane,' you'll be a more effective parent. And a lot happier."

Josie left with my copy of Seven Habits and a request to look for behaviors that 'drove her sane.' As long as safety and property damage were not issues with Pete's actions, Josie decided to ignore them.

A few weeks later, Josie told me that our conversation had helped her realize that she had let her thinking make her into a victim. "I wanted to blame Pete's biological mother, my husband, television, video games and Pete's friends for upsetting me. It bothered me when you suggested that I chose to be upset by Pete’s behavior. As I read and thought about it, I realized I do have control over my feelings and attitude. When I get a little harried, I picture myself in the car driving to "Sanity, Population 1."

Josie’s eyes crinkled with a smile. "Every day, you have to choose to act instead of react. Being proactive is a habit. A habit I'm glad to work on."

Next Week: Create A Gallery of Family Good Times

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net