Cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude

"What do you see?" our communications professor asked as he held up a black-and-white ink drawing.

"A beautiful Gibson-style girl with a feather in her hat."

"No, it's an old hag with a witch's nose and a scarf tied over her head."

As we discussed this picture, most of the class could shift back and forth and see both images by directing our attention to one aspect of the drawing until our perception changed. Once we saw both figures, it seemed easy to move between them. We realized that the pretty and the ugly were imbedded in the picture. What we saw depended on where we put our attention.

What a valuable lesson that picture has been for me in seeing the positive. The other lesson, much harder to learn, is that the "not-so-positive" resides in every picture or situation. It's wise to search for the upside as protection against negativity. Striving for that delicate balance of optimism, pessimism and realism challenges me. An optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees it as half empty. The realist says, "Someone's going to have to get water."

If we focus on the negative, we can get into a "crabby habit of mind" as Dr. John Gottman warns in his book, The Relationship Cure. With all the worries we have in our lives‹children, spouse, jobs, family, etc.-it can take a concentrated effort to shift our perception to the positive, the beautiful, the good and the blessing in our relationships. To refocus, we need to count our blessings.

Dr. Gottman encourages us to exercise Thanksgiving every day by expressing gratitude and thanks to those around us. Dr. Gottman recommends giving thanks as a cure for the "crabby habit of mind," when we are focused on the negative. When we find ourselves being overly critical of our loved ones, we can shift our focus by finding reasons to value them. Even though we might feel our criticism is justified, Gottman recommends finding and sharing five bits of praise and appreciation daily with the people who earned it.

Three-year-old Penelope couldn't do anything right. Penelope threw puzzles, walked over others' work, made hurtful remarks and stuck out her tongue with disrespect. After visiting with Penelope's mother and father about her unacceptable behavior, we decided to shift our focus and find some quality or task that we could appreciate and share with her. For example, "Penelope, I saw how you hung up your coat this morning. Good job."

As long as no safety issues were broached, her classroom teacher remained quiet with any criticism of Penelope's behavior and focused on the positive. As the days went by, we shared with Penelope "bits of praise and appreciation" when she earned it. In two weeks, Penelope's behavior had changed dramatically, and she exhibited none of her previous actions. One classroom observer didn't believe Penelope was the same child.

Dr. Gottman lists about 75 qualities we can find to appreciate and praise. Some of these follow: loving, intelligent, strong, energetic, persistent, funny, gentle, kind, relaxed, beautiful, calm, tender, careful, strong, interesting and helpful.

If you find yourself in a "crabby habit of mind," shift your focus to the blessing instead of the criticism. Look for the positive, knowing full well the negative is there. Find qualities to appreciate and praise. What you feed grows, so feed positive qualities with appreciation, and ignore negative qualities as long as no one is hurt. As you find qualities to be thankful for in your children and others, you will cultivate an attitude of gratitude. May every day be a day of thanksgiving for you and yours.

Next Week: Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com or P.O. Box 1534, Bentonville, AR 72712.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Want to send Kids Talk to friends and family? E-mail maren@shininglightreading.com.

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Every Day A Little Play

Tempers were short. Especially mine. The girls had been sick and cranky. It had rained for several days. We were moving to a new town. My husband had been gone for 10 days. Real estate showings interrupted nap and dinner times. There were boxes to pack. Everything seemed so serious.

A friend from our Active Parenting class called to invite the girls and me to lunch. "I don't know if you want us, Tammy. No one in this house has a sense of humor right now."

"Remember from class? Every day a little play. Are you remembering to have fun?"

What a friend to remind me of the important stuff. In the thousands of tasks I thought I had to do, I wasn't doing anything fun with the girls. So, off we went to make cookies. We sang and acted silly. In a matter of 30 minutes, all the crabs left the house. Cooperation and cheerfulness were restored by just a little play. How simple it can be, and so hard to remember.

Once a situation or relationship begins a downward spin, it seems impossible to turn it around. We wait for the dreaded "crash and burn" of tempers flaring. I've learned that the advice in "every day a little play" can create positive relationships with children and help anger and tension melt away. Play needn't be as complicated or as messy as baking cookies. Five minutes of focused fun can turn a situation around.

The boys in my kindergarten class were being uncooperative about their lessons. Tasks were not being completed, or silly antics kept pulling the concentrated students off-focus. I asked one of my students why he didn't want to work on a math lesson. Kelly looked up with big, blues eyes and said, "All we do is work, work, work. When can we have some fun?"

Oops. Out of the mouth of babes. I had forgotten (again) about a little play. "What would be fun, Kelly?"

"If you'd play soccer with us."

Out we went for 15 minutes of soccer. It was Kelly who stopped the action and said, "I'm ready to do some math work."

I resolved then and there to have some fun everyday with my students and to make sure I laughed with them everyday. We had treasure hunts, played catch, sang songs, popped corn, played word games and did parachute activities. When I made sure to have some silly fun and not be so serious about all the work we needed to do, I found my kindergartners becoming harder workers and more cooperative.

Take a little trip down memory lane. What was a fun activity that you and one of your parents shared? Close your eyes, and visualize the fun experience. How did you feel about your parent at that moment? How did you feel about yourself?

Take at least five minutes a day to do something fun with each of your children. After each experience, jot down on the calendar what you did and how it went. This will help you see what is working and what is not. Using the calendar may also help you make a habit of "every day a little play." Remembering to play can save the day.

Next Week: Cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com or P.O. Box 1534, Bentonville, AR 72712.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Want to send Kids Talk to friends and family? E-mail maren@shininglightreading.com.

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Real Toys for Real Kids

"What do you want for Christmas?" I remember asking my 14-month old. Since she could say "momma" and "dada," I thought, for some unknown reason, she could communicate her perfect Christmas gift as we walked down the aisles of the toy store.

There have been many gift-giving holidays during which I've watched children play with boxes, paper and ribbon longer than new playthings. The most advertised toys seem to top our children's wish lists. This shouldn't come as a surprise, as manufacturers spend over 12 billion a year advertising to pre-schoolers.

What is the purpose of a toy? To babysit? To help a child develop thinking, creative and physical skills? To allow a child to explore and understand the world?

What do children need in toys to help develop important skills?

Are we as a culture creating an environment that disconnects our children from sensory experiences that are critical for development? In The Age of Missing Information, Bill McKibben recounts watching every channel of one day's worth of cable television programming. It took him one year of all-day viewing to watch one day of cable show offerings. McKibben describes the disconnection he felt with real life, along with sensory deprivation. He craved "three-dimensional" experiences. He wanted information that was missing from the TV screen. For McKibben no television show surpassed the sensory experience of swimming in a mountain lake on a summer afternoon, using muscles and his mind to solve a problem, cook food or visit friends.

Approximately 20 years ago the autism rate in the U.S. was 1 in 2,500 children. The rate, now reported by the CDC, shows a rate as high as 1 in 150 in some areas of the country. I think it is not a coincidence that the rise in autism (communication disorder) coincides with the rise of the use of TV, computers and video games to occupy our children's minds. We are creating environments that lack vital connections to our earth, that provide too few opportunities for the hand and the mind to work together in a three-dimensional, multi-sensory way and that do not allow interaction with people.

Here are suggestions for "toys" that will help our children connect to our earth, use the hand and mind together and allow for family interaction. You won't see them advertised. Your children won't ask for them, but these items will help your children in significant ways.

Child-size brooms and cleaning supplies
Whisk rooms
Watering cans
Flower vases
Wheelbarrows
Gardening tools
Gardening gloves
Bolt board
Lacing cards
Potholder looms
Bead stringing
Children's cookbook
Rubber band board
Musical instruments, glockenspiel
Art supplies
Chalkboards
Potholder looms
Books
Puzzles
Magnifying glass

A favorite catalog for "real" toys is For Small Hands. Visit www.forsmallhands.com for more ideas.

Next Week: Every Day a Little Play

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com or P.O. Box 1534, Bentonville, AR 72712.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Want to send Kids Talk to friends and family? E-mail maren@shininglightreading.com.

©KIDS TALK™
P.O. Box 1534
Bentonville, AR 72712
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Santa Claus - Making the Invisible Visible

"I've never gotten a present from Santa Claus," said Iliana, my 12-year-old seatmate on an east coast flight. "My parents thought I should only be given verifiable facts. They told me there is no veracity in Santa Claus."

"It's too bad that no one ever told your parents about the Secret of Santa Claus. When you know the Secret, you believe in Santa Claus all your life, even if you can't verify facts," I said.

"You believe in Santa Claus? What secret?"

"It's simple, but...."

"Please, tell me," Iliana said.

"We're flying on a plane right now. Who built this plane? Who designed it? Who got it ready to fly? Who trained our pilots? We know that someone had to do it, and with some research we could find those people. We won't though. We'll never meet those people. I'll call them invisible workers since they work to give us something we couldn't do alone."

I took a sip of coffee. "There are thousands of invisible workers for almost everything we use. I have no idea who planted the beans for this cup of coffee, or who picked them, roasted them and packaged them. I can only thank our flight attendant, the last person in this invisible line of people."

"I have faith," I continued, "that when I wish to fly on an airplane, or have a cup of coffee, these unknown people will have done their jobs, and my desires will come true. I don't have to grow my own coffee beans or build my own airplane because of all these wonderful people."

"So you're saying that Santa Claus is an invisible worker?" said Iliana.

"I see Santa Claus as being all these people in the world, who strive to serve humankind, to make life more enjoyable, more comfortable, more magical. I will never see these people who do so many things for me, but they are most assuredly real. When I understood this, and I was older than twelve, I wanted to be that helpful kind of person. In the first stage of believing in Santa Claus, when we're little, we're on the receiving end. When we live the secret, we are on the giving side, which is fun. Being like Santa, which is doing our jobs with cheerful intention to help others, makes amazing things happen, such as flying at 30,000 feet at 500 miles an hour, while sipping coffee and talking to you about Santa Claus."

"I get it. Once you know how Santa works, you become Santa Claus. You do your regular stuff with love in your heart and try to help others, not expecting anything in return. Santa is people helping people. I'm pretty sure nobody told my parents that," Iliana said. "I think I'm going to have some fun being an invisible worker."

I was hoping I could show Iliana that Santa is that invisible force of faith, charity, believing and doing that cannot be easily explained. For young children, one way we can help them see and experience this force is in Santa's work. As the young child enters a developmental stage of reasoning, around age six, and begins to wonder about Santa, we need to give them opportunities to work and contribute to something bigger than them. We need to show them how to choose to be part of the magical power of giving, service and surprise.

As we walked off the plane, Iliana said, "I'm so excited about Santa Claus. I've already got some great ideas. I think this feeling is what the saying, Œit is more blessed to give than to receive,' means. Boy, are my parents and a few other people going to be surprised."

Iliana spied her grandparents and started singing, "Here Comes Santa Claus." They laughed and said, "What are you so happy about?"

As I walked away, Iliana waved and winked at me, then answered, "It's a secret."

Next Week: Real Toys for Real Kids

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com or P.O. Box 1534, Bentonville, AR 72712.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

KIDS TALK™
P.O. Box 1534
Bentonville, AR 72712
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net