Catch ’em Doing Something Right

“All I do is tell Tim, ‘no’. He’s into everything, and by the end of the day my fuse is short. I lose it and yell. It hurts me to see the hurt in his eyes. But I’m just exhausted,” Mary sighed over the phone to me.

Tim, a redheaded three-year-old, had been “busy” that day. He had opened a bag of flour all over the kitchen and dropped his plate of spaghetti while trying to clean up his spilled juice. In the bathtub he’d opened and emptied a new bottle of shampoo.

I knew Mary was going through a lot of transitions. With their recent move, she was home full-time. Her husband Jeff traveled overseas frequently, and Mary was five months pregnant with their second child. I met Mary at a neighborhood party, where we visited about her situation along with the frustration of not having a husband in the same time zone.

When Mary discovered I was a teacher and had survived similar circumstances, she asked if she could call for “a sanity check.” From personal experience, I know it is difficult to stay positive with many changes. From Mary’s phone call, I sensed she wanted to see things differently.

“Mary,” I asked, “what things did Tim do right today?”

“I know he must have done a lot of things perfectly,” Mary replied. “I’m so frustrated, I can’t think of any.”

“Let’s look at when he got out of bed this morning,” I ventured.

“Well, he got dressed by himself,” Mary told me.

“Okay. Great! Write that down. What did he do next?” I asked.

Mary told me he ate a good breakfast. He went cheerfully to pre-school. He made a drawing for his grandparents. In a couple minutes, Mary came up with a list of seven things.

“Put that on the refrigerator,” I suggested. “Then put a note in your pocket that says, ‘Catch him doing something right.’ Carry it all week, and when you see Tim doing something right, tell him right then. Don’t gush. Just state the facts. For example: I see you ate a nice breakfast. I like how you are ready for school. I enjoy cooking with you. Try to ignore and make light of any mishaps. Be friendly with error. Remember, he’s learning,” I coached.

“At bedtime, tell him the story of his day with all the things that he did well. Also ask him what was wonderful about his day. Try it for a week, and see if it helps.”

“I think I can do that. Timothy is a great little guy, and I think this will help me remember it even if I’m tired,” Mary said.

As Mary related the “trouble” that Timothy had caused, I recognized the incidents as motivated by a desire to help. Like most three-year-olds, Timothy had the attitude for success, just not the skills. Working with young children for years, I see how they want to please but lack the inner discipline and skill level to match actions with intentions.

They have the will but not the skill.

To develop skills, we give opportunities to work and make mistakes in a friendly environment. Also, because their memory and skill level are developing, children can do something one day and not the next. When we focus on positive behavior, we’ll reinforce skills, attitude and long-term memory.

A few days later, I saw Mary at the grocery story. She felt that focusing on what Tim was doing right and being friendly with error were helping her stay calm, and Tim seemed to be less work.

“Tim told me at bedtime that his ‘favorite thing’ was having a happy mom. Jeff could see the difference, too, when he got back home. He asked me what I was doing with Tim,” Mary said with a laugh, “and I told him. Just catching him doing something right!”

Next Week: Santa Claus - Making the Invisible Visible

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com or P.O. Box 1534, Bentonville, AR 72712.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

KIDS TALK™
P.O. Box 1534
Bentonville, AR 72712
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Be a Mind Watcher

“Our oldest son was so quiet when he was little. He played by himself and never caused us a moment’s trouble. He didn’t talk much or play with his brother. If only someone would have told us that this wasn’t normal. Perhaps things would be different.” Philippe, an overseas executive, told us about his autistic adult son over dinner.

“We had all the resources--money as well as excellent medical and educational facilities nearby--but we didn’t realize anything was wrong. How I wish we’d known what to look for.”

As parents, we are in a unique position to see our children’s strengths and weaknesses, if we have some knowledge about development. In his book A Mind at a Time, Dr. Mel Levine encourages parents to be their child’s teacher and advocate. Dr. Levine believes parents can equip themselves with knowledge and open-mindedness to become “well-informed mind watchers.” How our friend Philippe would have loved Dr. Levine’s book.

To track childhood development, Dr. Levine compares observable behavior in children with skills in eight neurodevelopmental systems. These eight learning systems include Attention, Temporal-Sequential Ordering, Spatial Ordering, Memory, Language, Neuromotor Functions, Social Cognition and Higher Order Cognition. Parents, by observing and recording incidents, can begin to see patterns of their children’s strengths, weaknesses, special talents and affinities.

Each mind is unique and has a special way of developing. By watching our children’s personalities unfold, Dr. Levine says we will discover our children’s gifts and talents, as well as obstacles to their development. Our parenting job is to nourish strengths and remove obstacles to our children’s development.

Many times, developing a strength can be as challenging as removing an obstacle. A talent that needs expert teachers, along with time and money, can be as taxing to a parent as a developmental delay. When children have extreme needs, parents can feel hopeless and helpless. It’s easy to become defensive when people comment on our children’s behavior or development. The love and joy we feel as parents also can skew our perception of what our child needs to fully develop his or her potential.

Kathy, a preschool and elementary classroom sign-language interpreter, related her experience of how difficult it is to get parents of young children to accept an impairment.

“After parents realize their child is hearing-impaired, the first year is usually spent in anger, denial and grief. The second year is spent trying to figure out what therapies are appropriate and necessary. Finally, in the third year after a diagnosis, the child gets the help he or she needs. In the process, the child has lost two critical years of language development. It’s easy to tell the children whose parents accepted the situation and got treatment started early apart from those children whose parents didn’t. What I would wish for the new children I work with is this: that their parents take a deep breath, roll up their sleeves and get to work to help their child.”

Observing our children will help us see who they really are, not who we want them to be. With this knowledge, we will be able to help them strengthen their strengths and bolster their weaknesses. By observing, we can assist our children in becoming the unique, wonderful people they are meant to be.

Watching our children’s minds with intelligence, compassion and patience can be the greatest gift we’ll ever give. It may be the most important work we ever do.

Next Week: Catch ’em Doing Something Right

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Sharpen the Saw

“The adult is the most important part of a child’s environment,” my Montessori professor told us. “We need to make sure we remain healthy, well-rested and interesting people. Only then can we be of true service to the child.”

“Remember this,” she continued, “when you’re tempted to stay up late to do a project for the classroom, when you start to make excuses for not exercising or eating right because you are too busy and when you don’t make time for any interests outside of your work with the children.”

Prevention was what my professor was advocating. When I’ve forgotten this advice, I’ve dealt with that fire-breathing monster called burnout. As parents we need to learn that it’s critical to take care of ourselves and take time to renew, refresh and recreate ourselves.

In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey recommends that we stop often and sharpen our saws. Abraham Lincoln was reported to say, “If I had eight hours to cut down a tree, I’d spend six hours sharpening my ax.”

In our 24/7 world of cell phones, e-mail, all-night stores, work, children’s activities, business travel and more, it is challenging to set up parameters to have personal time in order to be healthy, well-rested and interesting.

There are many needs to be met, leaving us little, if any, time to sharpen our saws and self-renew.

It is essential for us to make time for our personal “re-creation.” One priority should be to schedule time every week for you and your spouse. Happy marriages produce happy children.

When our daughters were in preschool, we alternated between two neighborhood teenagers to baby-sit on Saturday afternoons from one to five o’clock. My husband and I would go to a movie, have lunch or take a walk. We had time to visit without the children’s demands on us. We also knew we had this time each week, so tensions didn’t build up. Our sitters were thrilled to stay in the afternoon, having time and money to do things with their friends in the evening. These Saturday afternoons helped keep our relationship healthy and interesting.

Sharpening the saw can be challenging for single parents. If money for a babysitter is an obstacle for finding time for yourself, be creative and start a babysitting co-op. The key to a successful babysitting co-op is to have explicit expectations and consequences spelled out for the members. In the three years I was involved with a co-op, no one abused the privilege or the responsibility. Two members sponsored prospective members. There were twelve in our group, though groups with only four members have been successful.

To begin, we each had ten hours of credit. If a member’s balance reached zero, he or she had to “deposit” ten hours of babysitting before using the co-op again. Members called the bookkeeper, who arranged the babysitting. We each took turns being the bookkeeper for a month once a year.

Keeping ourselves in balance keeps our worlds in balance. Remember, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” Creativity is needed to find the time to remain “healthy, interesting and well-rested.” We are worth it. Our families are worth it. Our children are worth it.

Sharpen your saw, regularly. Your kids will love you for it. Best of all, you’ll love you too.

Next Week: Be a Mind Watcher

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

To Foster Cooperation, Give Choices

Most of the conflicts we have with our preschool-age children involve getting them to do something they don’t want to do in a reasonable amount of time. Eating, getting dressed, going to bed or taking a bath may be familiar conflict areas. In parenting class, I was introduced to the idea of giving choices to avoid conflict. When we give choices, or freedom within limits, we can help our children feel in control of themselves, foster cooperation and develop independence.

How and when to present choices are critical to the success of implementing this concept. If we give too many choices, we may create an environment of frustration and again encounter lack of cooperation. Giving few choices, we risk being authoritarian and may create rebellion or subterfuge in our children. The art of implementation is looking at each child and situation with fresh and understanding eyes, while remaining kind and firm.

Everyday was a struggle to brush my two-and-a-half-year-old’s teeth. Hannah lacked the fine motor control to do the job alone and resisted mightily when I tried. I was totally frustrated, and bedtime was a disaster. At our dental check-up, I mentioned to Dr. Jim about our brushing conflict.

“Hannah,” Dr. Jim inquired. “Why are you fighting with your mom about brushing your teeth?”

“The toothpaste burns my mouth.”

“Let’s try some different flavors. I have cinnamon, bubblegum, peppermint and strawberry. Which one do you want to taste first?”

Hannah cheerfully sampled each flavor and selected a tube. That was the end of our Battle of the Brush. I remain thankful to Dr. Jim for lowering my stress level twenty points with bubblegum flavored toothpaste. I hadn’t considered giving Hannah a choice of toothpaste. I hadn’t even thought to ask her why she was upset.

Years later, I witnessed my friend, Martha, go overboard with choices.

“Jimmy, would you like oatmeal or eggs for breakfast?”

“Oatmeal.”

“Do you want blueberry, strawberry, cinnamon or maple flavor?”

“Cinnamon.”

“Do you want brown sugar or honey?”

“Honey.”

“Do you want butter or milk on it?”

“Milk.”

“Do you want it in the white or the blue bowl? Do you want apple, grape or orange juice?”

Poor Jimmy. This two-year-old was interrogated for breakfast. After the third question, I watched Jimmy’s eyes glaze. When the blue bowl arrived, Jimmy gave his mother “a look” and then dumped his oatmeal on the table.

“Giving choices just isn’t working,” Martha lamented.

I observed that giving too many choices doesn’t work. Martha should have stopped at oatmeal! Question after question turned a picky eater into a rebel.

When a child is defiant, he is asking us, “Who is the boss here? You act like it’s me. If it’s you, then show me.”

Don’t be afraid of showing your child that defiant behavior is unacceptable. He is asking for limits to be set and enforced. Too many choices can cause a child to question his role in the parent/child relationship. Our children need for us to be the adults in charge, so they can feel safe and secure.

We also need to be on guard for giving choices that aren’t appropriate. Dawn thought that giving her four-year-old daughter, Sophie, a choice about what time to go to bed would make bedtime smoother. In reality, bedtime was not negotiable for Dawn, as Sophie thought her choice was no bedtime. Chaos and unhappiness ensued. Dawn realized she needed to set and enforce bedtime.

The choices Dawn gave Sophie were decisions such as what color pajamas to wear, what books to read and what prayers to say. When Dawn set the limits regarding time and then gave Sophie freedom within those limits, bedtime became calmer. Sophie understood her limits and the freedom she had within those limits. Bedtime became a loving ritual instead of a power struggle.

Allowing choices fosters self-control, cooperation and independence in our children. Be aware of giving too many or inappropriate choices. When your child gets to those bumpy teenage years, he or she will have many years of practicing how to make “good” choices. You’ll be able to feel confident in your teenager’s ability to continue to make “good” choices when dealing with tough decisions with friends, drugs and alcohol.

Next Week: Sharpen the Saw - Be a Healthy, Interesting Person

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net