Understanding Your Child’s Artwork

A visitor gushed over my four-year-old daughter's new and quite abstract painting on our refrigerator. "Oh, what a beautiful painting. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I was pleased that my daughter had remembered to say, "Thank you" to a compliment. I thought she would also enjoy the "non-mom" appreciation. After our visitor was gone, my daughter turned to me and said, "That lady sure doesn't know anything about art. I guess she's never been to a museum. It's not the most beautiful picture in the world. It's just a picture I did about trains."

That's the day I learned that a four-year-old can spot a phony compliment. It's also the day that I discovered that blobs and scribbles may actually contain an important story.

"So your picture is about trains. Tell me about it," I ventured. I had been amazed that the picture was about anything. It resembled the dropcloth of a messy house painter.

"This is the train we saw with all the circus animals on it. Here is the yellow engine, and here is the green caboose."

At least six weeks before we had stopped to watch the Ringling Brothers train roll through town. The train had a yellow Santa Fe engine and green Burlington Northern caboose. I hadn't realized she remembered any of it.

"What's the blue here?" I ventured.

"That's the car with the elephants."

On and on she went about the day we saw the circus train. I was delighted by the detail she remembered and had expressed in her painting. I thought of her other "artwork" I had thrown away. So many stories I tossed out because I didn't ask a few questions. I just didn't know.

This incident with my daughter taught me to ask open-ended questions about artwork. Instead of some "Oh, how nice!" compliment, I've learned to approach children's artwork with phrases such as: "Tell me about your picture. What is this red? Tell me about the yellow. What is the blue about?" I also include the famous five questions of who, what, when, where and why. Who was there? What did they do? When did this happen? Where did this happen? Why were you there? These questions have helped me understand the story inside a picture.

With these few questions, I hope you'll discover something new about your child. Splotches of color on a piece of brown craft paper let me experience something that was important to my daughter. With her drawing, she was able to share with me a memory of an important event in her life. Her refrigerator artwork became one of the most beautiful pictures I had ever seen, because I took the time to try to understand the artist.

Next Week: Giving Choices

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Making Halloween Meaningful for Children

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. My sister's birthday is November 1, and mine is in mid-October. Mom would always have a combination neighborhood open house and birthday celebration for us. We had so much fun preparing the food and decorations—handmade popcorn balls, homemade fudge, spooky punch with dry ice, string cobwebs, paper bag ghost luminaries up the walk and, of course, our costumes. We spent the better part of a month planning and preparing for our event.

As I've worked with young children, though, my enthusiasm for celebrating Halloween and other holidays was replaced with concern for respecting the needs of the children. At pre-school, I saw most children in tears to see their friends and teachers in costume. By the time the morning was over, most of the children were exhausted and frightened by all the new. The children told me about being scared going door-to-door in the dark. During the weeks after Halloween, I observed a lower level of concentration in our three-, four- and five-year-olds' activities. We witnessed more tears, temper tantrums, distractibility and clumsiness.

These difficulties were due to the "treat" aspect of trick-or-treating. The children with the biggest swings in concentration readily confessed to eating candy for breakfast and sneaking candy in their coat pockets. Visiting with our pediatrician about my Halloween observations, he told me the accident rate of his patients went up during the two weeks after Halloween. He treated more broken bones, cuts, sprained muscles, abrasions and contusions than any other two-week period in the year.

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. I loved the excitement and anticipation of the day, going out on a cool fall evening and, of course, having so much candy to call my own. But after watching how small children react to Halloween, I've tried to extract the positive aspects of Halloween and not emphasize the costumes and candy, especially in a school environment. For children five and under, my recommendation is that Halloween should be celebrated at home only. For the young child, I recommend emphasizing the following during the Halloween season:

1) The beauty of the fall and the shortening of the daylight hours

2) The coming of winter and the promise of spring

3) On Halloween neighbors do something "sweet" for you even if they don't know or recognize you

4) Even on dark nights, neighbors will open their doors and hearts to you, even if you look pretty scary to them (And we can do the same)

5) For one night, you can transform yourself to be anything you can imagine

6) Halloween is a time to give thanks to all those who came before us (thank you to the first person who carved a jack-o-lantern, the first person who played trick-or-treat, the first person to eat a pumpkin, etc.)

These essential lessons help me celebrate Halloween as an important tradition. We are in danger of losing important teaching opportunities as we "cocoon" in our homes with computers, big screen televisions and garage door openers as well as act more fearful of the world around us. Perhaps this passage from the book Graces by June Cotner will help us gain a new perspective on Halloween.
Halloween Grace

Amidst hobgoblins and pranksters, Lord, we seek a quiet corner this autumn evening, to give thanks for the saints whose day this really is. Be tolerant of our commercialized, costumed fun, even as you remind us of the pillars of faith upon whose shoulders we stand today. Keep our trick-or-treating fun, clean and safe, our faith memories aware, for it is too easy to lose track of what we really celebrate in the darkness of this night.
–Margaret Anne Huffman

Have a wonderful Halloween!

Next Week: Understanding Your Child's Artwork

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Dealing with Tantrums

The day that your child turns red then blue while writhing on the floor in an attempt to get his or her way is a day when you earn perhaps your first parenting medal, "Valor Under Stress."

Joan, a mother of two, related to me her ordeal of a temper tantrum with three-year-old Robbie.

"It started with such a silly thing. We had told Robbie he couldn't go with his dad to the store after lunch. Robbie spent the next 45 minutes screaming and crying. Bob finally had enough, and said Robbie could go. Bob felt guilty that Robbie had spent all this time upset when it was supposed to be 'quality' Dad time. But I think Bob shouldn't have given in to Robbie's tantrum."

"I can see how Bob was feeling," I responded. "But Bob violated the Tommy Lee Jones rule."

"What rule is that?"

"It's from a movie, U.S. Marshals, where Tommy Lee Jones' character states, 'I don't negotiate with terrorists.' It works with children, too."

"If Robbie takes you 'hostage' with a tantrum, you can't give in to his demands," I continued. "If you do, Robbie will learn that a tantrum works, and next time he'll be prepared to go a little longer to get his way. A forty-five minute tantrum tells me that this is not the first one."

"You're right," Joan blushed. "Robbie's so different than our easygoing six-year-old. How can we help Robbie?"

Tantrums usually begin before a child is fully verbal. We, as parents, in all fairness, try to meet our children's needs. Inadvertently we allow tantrums to grow by reinforcing the child's belief that a tantrum is an effective communication tool. When we give in to a tantrum, the child has found a powerful way to get what he wants.

"It's not going to be pleasant to help Robbie stop his tantrums. First you must remember the Tommy Lee Jones Rule and be prepared to ride it out. You must be firm, yet kind."

"Talk with Robbie, and tell him something like this: 'My job is to help you learn how to be happy. When you scream and cry, I know I have to help you. When you get upset, I'll ask you to use your words to tell me how you feel. If you can't do that, I'll ask you to go to your room until you can talk to me. If you don't go to your room, I'll walk you in. Do you understand? I love you and want you to learn to be happy.'"

"If Robbie starts to throw a tantrum, kindly remind him about your talk. Remind him to use his words. If Robbie can't calm down, ask him to go to his room until he can talk to you. If he refuses, carry him in and kindly tell him that he may leave when he feels like talking. Say something like, 'I love you, but you need to learn how deal with your tantrums.'"

"Sometimes, a child will learn that tantrums aren't going to work anymore on the first 'test' of the rule. For others it takes a few times. Remember, don't be held hostage."

Joan and Bob were successful at communicating to Robbie about their expectations for his behavior and didn't negotiate. Robbie's tantrums ended.

If tantrums continue, keep a written record of when and why they occur. A pattern should appear according to time, place and situation. Tiredness, hunger, a parent being gone or overstimulation may be "trigger" factors that will become evident.

Tantrums can become a learned behavior to control others. Unfortunately, we all know adults who use tantrums to get their way. As a friend of mine says, "It's not pretty." Perhaps imagining our child in a tantrum at age 30 may help us have that right amount of firmness, kindness and courage.

Next Week: Making Halloween Meaningful for Children

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Think Win/Win

In our busy day-to-day lives, as we try to manage everything—jobs, children, home, marriage—stopping to think what everyone in our family needs may not be a high priority. When we're caring for small children, there never seems to be enough time, enough money, enough sleep or enough hours in the day. It's difficult to find the time to step back and look at the big picture when we are going from one crisis or deadline to another, trying to meet our family's needs.

As I've mentioned before, the principles found in Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, have been extremely helpful to me. "Think Win/Win" is one of those principles. Making a habit of thinking "Win/Win" can help everyone in the family have his or her needs met and keep family life in balance.

A key question that can help us focus on family needs is from the Don and Jeanne Elium's book, Raising a Family. "What does this family need now, including me?" Too often, as parents, we forget to think win/win, and our personal needs go unmet. Using this key question can help us focus and open a creative discussion with everyone in the family about priorities.

One family I know in Connecticut used win/win thinking and the question "What does this family need right now, including me?" Katherine, the ten-year-old, wanted a piano at home instead of practicing at her grandmother's house. Mom and Dad were reluctant to give up space, money and quiet for a piano along with dealing with one-year-old Frank and four-year-old Steve.

After a week of tossing ideas back and forth, the family decided to sell the dining room furniture and turn the dining room into a music room. Mom and Dad realized that they didn't use the dining room as much as they all enjoyed playing music. When they thought win/win, Katherine got a space to practice her music, which also included playing violin and flute. Steve asked to start violin lessons, and Mom took up the guitar again.

It all began with a family meeting where each family member wrote out his or her needs and then started thinking win/win. Alternatives appeared, such as not having a dining room, selling the dining room furniture to pay for an electronic piano that could be used with headphones and installing French-style doors in the dining room opening.

Mom had never considered giving up her dining room. She was surprised how thrilled she felt selling the furniture to a friend that ran a cooking school. Dad was delighted to get a "new" room without remodeling or taking out a loan. Katherine was glad to practice anytime she liked without having to worry about her brothers' bedtimes or naps. Steve was happy practicing his violin with his sister in the new music room. One-year-old Frank enjoyed bouncing and dancing to live music. Extended family and friends were treated to concerts and sing-a-longs. Win/win.

Make a habit of thinking win/win by taking a half-hour once a month to ask everyone in your family, "What does this family need right now, including me?" Give your imaginations time to consider the possibilities, and enjoy an outcome that may exceed your expectations.

Next Week: Dealing with Tantrums

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Help Me Help Myself

Children from about age three are asking us to help them learn independence. Children want to learn how to do things on their own without adult supervision or permission. Even though at times we feel we have to help children constantly, in reality, children are asking us to help them help themselves.

Much of what we classify as “misbehavior” in the three to six-year-old, upon closer inspection, is children trying to do things by themselves, and not being successful. In our hurried world, it’s easier to do it ourselves than to stop and show our children how to do a task, and patiently wait as they complete it. Do we really have 15 minutes every morning for our three-year-old to put on her shoes and socks?

Visiting friends a few years ago, I asked their nine-year-old if he’d like to help me cut apples for a pie. Jimmy’s eyes widened. “Oh, no, I can’t. Mom won’t let me use a knife.”

“Why is that? Were you irresponsible with a knife?”

“No. Mom’s afraid I’ll cut myself.”

After getting an okay with Jimmy’s mom, I began showing him how to cut the apples into chucks after I’d peeled and quartered them. Within half an hour, Jimmy had learned how to peel, quarter and cube apples. And not a mangled finger in sight. At dinner Jimmy was so proud of “our’ pies. He thanked me for taking the time to show him how to use a paring knife. “I knew I could do it if someone just let me.” Help me help myself.

We can begin to show our children how to use serious tools such as knives, scissors, hammers, and screwdrivers around age three, with 100 percent adult supervision. First, we need to feel confident that the child will listen and follow our direction. If not, he or she is not ready for these kinds of tasks.

Secondly, we need to find tools that are safe. For helping in the kitchen a small butter knife or canapé knife will cut bananas and apple slices, but won’t cut small fingers. There are scissors available that will only cut paper, and not hair or clothes. Small hammers can be used to drive 16 penny-nails into a log end. For hammering, invest in a pair of child sized safety goggles. A short three-inch screwdriver and ratchet can be used to loosen and tighten screws and bolts on boards.

As a child’s level of skill and responsibility grow, we can introduce new levels of difficulty with different tools and materials.
Giving our children “real” work with real tools will help them gain independence. Self-esteem is based on having skills, meaning you can act in ways that benefit yourself and others. Too often, adults think that just telling someone that they are wonderful develops a feeling of self worth. Self-esteem is based on the self-confidence of knowing how to do something, not on what someone says to you.

“Help me help myself” is the young child’s cry for independence that leads to true confidence and self-esteem. Don’t do for your child what they can do for themselves. Remember, any unnecessary help is an obstacle to a person’s independence.

Next Week: Thinking Win/Win

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net