The Myth of Sharing

Parents, picture this scene: Your folks stop by to visit with two people you don’t know, but are close to your age. Your dad says, “Give me your car keys, please. John saw your new car and he wants to take it for a spin. I know you’d want to share. Oh, and Sue wants to wear your earrings, the diamond ones. Now, let’s be nice and share.”

Yikes! There are some things we don’t want to share and we would be upset if someone suggested we should. Some items are personal, or the risk of damage is too high. We wouldn’t want to pay for our wrecked car or lost jewelry. Of course, there are items that we can feel comfortable sharing when there are clear expectations and consequences.

Young children feel the same way about sharing. Before age six (until the first tooth falls out), children are in a developmental stage of self-mastery. Child initiated activities of the three to six-year old build concentration and skills through repetition. These activities also have an observable beginning, middle and end. For example, if your child was working on a building project and was asked to share his blocks in the middle of the job, he might express frustration; just as we might if someone took our keys while we were driving.

After the age of six, group work instead of self-mastery becomes the focus of the child’s activities. Sharing an activity is now developmentally appropriate and actually aids in the learning process. Before the age of six, the child is focused on developing individual skills and can feel violated if we allow others to use his or her things. You may recall from your growing-up experience or from watching your children interact, that many sibling arguments arise from touching, using, or borrowing a brother’s or sister’s personal items.

Having a simple rule can eliminate many of these conflicts. When someone is using an item no one else may touch it, unless they ask permission from the user. A no answer must be respected. Defining an area for the activity by using a small rug or placemat will help make it visually clear what items are being used. The user is finished with an item when it is back on the shelf, ready for the next person to use it.

Certain toys, such as building blocks, puzzles and board games, can be designated as family toys. Family toys can be kept on low shelves. Family toys are used much like a community shares resources such as a library, pool and parks. We all can’t check out the same book at once, but we can take turns and share. We have common ownership with explicit rules and expectations.

Personal toys can be kept in bedrooms. One family uses their locked hall closet to keep toys that are not to be touched by anyone but the owner.

Having family toys also makes it easier to have no-tears activities for visiting children. Visitors can choose an activity after they have been told the rules about not touching other’s things and putting things away when finished.

Understanding what sharing really means can help us foster a sense of family community with our children. Knowing what is age appropriate along with clear rules and expectations for usage can help our children avoid conflict and tears.

Rules for Family Toys
1. Choose your activity.
2. Work on a rug or mat. (Define your work activity.)
3. Ask permission to touch anyone’s activity.
4. Put your activity away when you’re finished.

Next Week: Help Me Help Myself

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

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©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

One is none. Two is ten.
—Icelandic proverb about children

For a while, this parenting stuff can seem like you’ve got it under control. Then comes the second child. As Uncle Norm told me years ago, “Before I had children I had ten theories about raising children. Now I have ten children and no theories.”

As a new parent a cold lack of confidence in the pit of my stomach seemed to never go away. I appreciated the humorous assurances “my elders” could give me. Know I know that there are guiding principles of human relations that can give us confidence about heading in the right direction and calm our apprehensions about raising children.

Principles from Stephen Covey’s book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, are some that I have found to be invaluable. One is “Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.”

Part of our training as Montessori teachers is to observe the child at work. At its essence, observing the child engaged in an activity gives us a window to understand who he or she is.

What an uncommon thing it is in our lives to have someone desire to understand us. Someone who will put their own work, attitudes and prejudices aside to observe us, searching to understand our uniqueness.

As we observe children work (engaged in purposeful activity) we get an understanding of who they are, their likes and dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses. These observations allow us to be truly helpful to the child, especially a child whom we may view as difficult, unpleasant, or problematic.

As we seek to understand through observation, we will see patterns emerge in a child’s behavior. Perhaps a tantrum frequently occurs between 9:30 and 9:45 a.m. Offering a snack at 9:00 a.m. results in no more tantrums.

Perhaps a child who is “naughty” (one who does what he or she should not) picks all of the neighbor’s tulips. Our first impulse might be to make the child understand what he or she did wrong. If we seek first to understand, then we might see the incident as an insight to the child’s personality. We could try to be understood first by saying, “Don’t pick the neighbors flowers.” By seeking first to understand, we might see the child’s love of flowers, desire to be helpful by making a flower arrangement, and desire for beauty. Understanding the child first, will help the child understand us.

Later, we can feed the child’s interest by giving the names of different flowers, showing how to do flower arrangements, naming the parts of flowers, and drawing flowers. Another issue, of course, is to teach respect for other people’s property.

We might approach the child this way, “Hunter, I see you picked Mr. Wilson’s tulips. Aren’t they beautiful? Oh, you picked them for me? Hunter, that is very thoughtful of you, but these flowers are Mr. Wilson’s. He might be sad that they aren’t in his yard anymore. We might be sad if our flowers were gone. Let’s put them in a vase and take them to Mr. Wilson. We need to tell him we’re sorry about picking without permission.”

Guiding children is a challenging joy. When we see our job as helping children discover themselves and their work, perhaps we can lay aside our need to be understood, and seek to understand children first. This understanding will lead us to be true helpers to our children. In return, children will seek to understand those things we need them to understand, such as, “Please, please, don’t pick Mr. Wilson’s flowers.”

Next Week: The Myth of Sharing

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html


©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Increasing Your Child’s Active Working Memory

“Is there something wrong with Henry?” Dee inquired about her four-and-a-half-year-old son. “Henry can only accomplish one task at a time. When I ask him to brush his teeth and put on his pajamas, he can do one or the other, but not both.”

Dee was describing Henry’s “active working memory.” Henry was having difficulty keeping two or more tasks in his mind.

Neuropsychologists refer to three basic types of memory. Active working memory gives us the ability to stay on task and keep all the steps of a job readily in mind. Short-term memory helps us remember what we did today. Long-term memory helps us remember everything. These three types of memory interact with each other to enable us to learn and respond to any situation.

Visiting with Dee, I discovered that Henry had a strong visual memory. He loved to build with interlocking blocks and could follow the picture directions that came with each set. Henry enjoyed singing and had good language skills. Dee told me that Henry often didn’t hear his name when involved with an activity. Having clues about Henry’s strengths and weaknesses, I made the following suggestions to Dee.

1) Be sure to give clear and concise directions.
2) Be sure Henry is looking at your face when giving instructions.
3) Create “visual” memory directions if possible. For example, “Henry, brush your teeth with your blue toothbrush. Then put on your red dog pajamas. Can you see that in your mind?”
4) Ask Henry to check back with you after completing a task.
5) Use singing to help lengthen active working memory by singing songs like “Little Cabin in the Woods,” “If You’re Happy and You Know It” and “This is the Way We….”
6) For daily routines, such as getting ready for school or bed, make a sequenced picture list of each activity. Magazine cutouts or photos of Henry could be used. For bedtime routine have pictures of the bathtub, pajamas, toothbrushing, reading a book, prayers and lights off.

A request for Henry to put on his shoes and coat might go like this:
“Henry. Look at me please. Please put on your shoes and coat. Then come back into the kitchen. Do you have a good picture in your mind of what you need to do? Right, black shoes and red coat. Then come back. Thank you.”

“What’s Missing?” is a fun memory game. Gather five or six items and a small towel to cover them. Name the items—spoon, fork, pencil, eraser, cup and saucer. Cover the items and ask your child to count to ten with his or her eyes closed. While he or she is counting, remove an item and place it behind your back. Uncover the items, and ask, “What’s missing?” Continue to add an item or two a day, or take away two or more items at a time to challenge and increase active working memory.

Kit Carson, the famous American frontiersman, was reported to recall over 100 items after viewing them for a minute. Our brains have tremendous capacity for active working memory. Help your child’s memory and independence by playing memory games and giving instructions with multiple steps.

Next Week: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net