Finding the Teachable Moment

Children make us into adults, goes an old saying.

“That’s because,” Monica added, “they give us our most embarrassing moments.”

“For example, at gymnastics class the other day, Danielle, my three-year old, told the instructor she wasn’t going to get off the mat. She smarted off and told her instructor she was going to somersault as long as she wanted, and the instructor couldn’t stop her. I was shocked at what came out of her mouth. Danielle’s tone was so ugly, and I was taken off guard. I was, am and embarrassed by her behavior. I feel responsible for it. At home she can be demanding, but I have never seen her act like this. I didn’t know what to do or say to make the situation better. I’m embarrassed Danielle could act that way.”

Three-year-olds begins to make us “pay for our raising." They can say things that seem to come out of nowhere, putting us in awkward situations. One of my grandfather’s favorite stories about me (there were a few!) was about taking me shopping. Driving home, we stopped at an intersection across from a police car. I stuck my head out of the window and yelled to the police officer, “Help! Help! A mean man is kidnapping me!”

My age: almost three years to the day. My granddad knew the officer, and from that day forward the officer always knew me. Officer Charlie used the incident as a teachable moment. He let me know that I should scream for help only if I needed it. He told my granddad, “Well, Earl, it sounds like she watched last week’s Highway Patrol.”

As adults, we’ve learned to tune “out” certain information. Our three, four and five-year-olds are absorbing information from everywhere, trying to connect information with experience. At age three, I must have thought you yelled when you saw a police car since I saw it on television. My mismatch of information and experience led to an embarrassing moment for my grandfather. Almost a heart attack according to him.

We can prepare our children indirectly for certain situations by giving short lessons before and after new experiences. The teachable moment is rarely the moment when something undesirable is occurring. In Monica’s situation, before gym class, she could give Danielle a lesson on “how to say no respectfully,” or a lesson on “how to do what your teacher asks.” Monica could also tell the gym teacher that she expects Danielle to follow directions and be respectful. If Danielle is disrespectful during class, she could ask the instructor to give Danielle a friendly reminder by saying, “Remember, Danielle? I am the teacher, and your mom wants you to do this cheerfully.” In some instances, removing a rebellious child may be indicated to avoid disruption of the class.

We also need to make sure we have realistic expectations for behavior. In Danielle’s gymnastic class, the instructor may not be considering the learning style of three-year-olds. There may be too much emphasis on following directions instead of exploring movement. We need to make expectations for behavior clear to both our children and the other adults in their lives.

Before entering a new situation with your child, think of the information that is necessary for a successful experience. Monica could have watched the gym class to help Danielle prepare for a new situation and visited the instructor beforehand to discuss expectations for Danielle’s behavior, along with a game plan for dealing with uncooperative behavior.

There will always be embarrassing moments with our children. Being prepared and looking for the teachable moment may lesson the sting. Perhaps we’ll also have a humorous incident to tell our grandchildren.

Next Week: How to Improve Your Child’s Memory

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Helping Your Child Be Better Organized

“A place for everything, and everything in its place.” What a wonderful dream.

When I was six years old, my toys would fit in one drawer of my dresser. Jacks and balls, jump rope, coloring books, crayons, checkers, and a deck of cards. A shelf in the closet held all the toys for five children; board games, puzzles, dolls, wooden blocks, Lincoln logs, tinker toys and erector sets. How things have changed.

With my children, I was constantly challenged to find room for all their “things”. Being the oldest granddaughters on both sides of the family with eight aunts and uncles, every holiday presented an overload of new possessions. Shelves with boxes and baskets helped keep their items organized. Also a rule about having only one activity out at a time helped keep the house tidy. Of course, all organization and rules could disappear when company arrived, with chaos and clutter ensuing.

When confronting a mess, children get overwhelmed with the effort it takes to clean and reorganize, just like we do. Where do we start? If our home is organized, and things have a place, this order will help our children learn to return their toys, books and clothes to order.

From birth to about age four-and-a -half, children are in a sensitive period for order. They are trying to create order out of our chaotic world. We can help them by keeping our living environment organized and predictable. Think of how frustrated we get when the aisles in the grocery store are reorganized and we can’t find our favorite products. Our children experience that frustration and more when trying to navigate their environments.

To keep a predictable environment, think, “Less is more”. Choose toys and clothes carefully. Pack or give away seasonal, outgrown or unused items. Rotate toys on the shelves.

For clothes organization, lower closet racks to child height. Use small hangers and show your child how to hang up clothes. Use small baskets at child level for socks, underwear and foldable items.

Another aspect of organization is time management. Try to make the order of the day predictable but not boring. Having breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack times on a predictable schedule will help your child feel secure and establish order in their day.

Model how to keep organized by using and displaying lists, calendars, day planners, journals and sticky notes. My family loves to tease me about my multi-colored sticky notes, but I did notice some on my daughters’ refrigerators. I guess the organization skills stuck.

Mention in casual conversation how long it takes to do different tasks; an hour to go to the store, five minutes to the bank, thirty minutes to cook dinner, a year to build a house. Also play games like ‘I think we can pick up the playroom by the time I count to a hundred.”

The secret to helping your child be organized, I’m sure you’ve discovered, is to be organized yourself. If you have trouble being organized, look into classes or ask an organized friend to help you with some tips. Remember, everything you do to help yourself be better organized will help your children feel ordered and more in control of their lives.

Next Week: Finding the Teachable Moment

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

Begin with the End in Mind

Finis origina pendet. The end depends on the beginning.

– From the movie The Emperor’s Club

A favorite book is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. One habit that I encourage parents to develop is “Begin with the end in mind.” What kind of person do you want your child to become? What qualities of character do you want your child to possess? How can you make it happen?

Becoming a conscious parent was a slow process for me. (And an ongoing process, I must add!) I remember an exhausting day when the enormity of parenting engulfed me, much like the foot of snow that had left us homebound for a week while my husband was out of town. My daughters were one-and-a-half and three, and with my patience almost gone, I thought, “Three years down and rest of our lives to go!” It was a very sobering moment. Since then I’ve noticed that “parenting reality” sets in during this third year, and a new determination to become a better parent appears.

Around age three, coinciding with our new parenting perspective, children become more expressive and independent. As their curiosity and activity levels increase, we are challenged on how to deal with our children, along with jobs, marriages and everything else. We can meet these challenges more effectively if we have a clear picture of where we are headed. Begin with the end in mind.

Years ago in a group dynamics class, our professor asked us to make a list of our ten most important values in ten minutes. It was a tough exercise.

"How many of you have ever made a values list?” Dr. Ward asked as we compared our lists.

Nobody answered.

“Most of us haven’t,” he continued. “We wouldn’t dream of building a house without blueprints. How can we live a life without knowing what we value and how to develop and protect those qualities?” Now I understand Dr. Ward was telling us that the end depends on the beginning.

Wayne Dyer, in his book What Do You Really Want For Your Children?, surveyed parents with surprising results. He expected parents to be concerned about their children becoming rich and famous, but instead discovered these ten desires:

“I want my children to have the ability to enjoy life; to value themselves; to be risk-takers; to be self-reliant; to be free from stress and anxiety; to have peaceful lives; to celebrate peaceful moments; to experience a lifetime of wellness; to be creative; to fulfill their higher needs and to feel a sense of purpose.”

Once we develop our big picture, we can then focus on the important details to give to our children. We need to begin with the end in mind. Take some time to consider and write down those values you cherish and want to develop in your family. How you are going to ensure that these values and strengths are developed? Focusing on what you consider critical will allow you to make decisions using this question: Does this action support my values? If the answer is no, it should be easier to stop and reconsider goals, habits and behaviors.

Finis origina pendet. The ancient Romans knew it. The end depends on the beginning. Begin with the end in mind. Know the values you’ll take with you on this adventure called life.

Next Week: Helping Your Child Be Better Organized

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net

We Have Two Seconds to Change Behavior

“Look, mommy! I’m daddy!”

Three-year-old Scotty opened a blue marker and scribbled on the wall as his mom, Margie, cut vegetables for dinner. Scotty had watched his dad paint the kitchen over the weekend.

Now Scotty was trying to help, or so Margie surmised in the split second of disbelief and dismay as she took in the situation. Scotty had never marked on anything but his paper. Margie confidently took control of the situation.

“Scotty! Stop!” she said firmly, yet kindly, as she walked towards Scotty. Scotty turned toward her and made eye contact.

“Put the marker down,” she continued as she knelt down to Scotty’s level.

“We only use markers on paper. Remember? Please, sit down and color on your paper.”

Sue got cleaning supplies and had the marks off the wall in a few minutes, while Scotty resumed his coloring.

When Frank, Scotty’s dad, arrived through the kitchen door, Scotty volunteered, “Daddy, I painted the walls with my marker. But mommy told me ‘only paper’.”

Frank’s eyes widened as he looked at Margie.

“It’s okay,” Margie smiled. “I used the two second rule.”

As we guide young children to learn acceptable behavior, i.e. markers only on paper, not on the walls (even if you think they are the same color), it’s helpful to know how a child’s memory works. Humans have three basic kinds of memory: 1) active working memory, 2) short term memory) and 3) long term memory.

Active working memory in a young child will hold two-seconds worth of information. We have two seconds to get our message across! To be successful, we must be quick and direct. We also need to communicate in a way that aids short and long-term memory. Let’s look at Scotty’s predicament again.

When Margie saw Scotty drawing on the wall she said his name and then “stop”. Two seconds of information. Margie quit what she was doing and started toward Scotty. When Margie had compliance to her request, she proceeded to the next step. If Scotty hadn’t stopped on his own, Margie could have gently stopped him by holding his wrists.

Put the marker down. Another two seconds.

We only use markers on paper. Two seconds.
Remember? Two seconds as a call for long-term memory retrieval. Using the word “remember” also indicates that the request is important to remember.

Please, sit down and color on your paper. These two requests, sit down and color, help lengthen short-term memory and active working memory, while clarifying desired behavior for long-term memory. Also, beginning with the word please can help a child anticipate an instruction.

When you need to redirect your child’s behavior quickly, remember the two-second rule. Give short two-second commands, beginning with your child’s name and “stop”. State desired behavior. Use the key word, “Remember?” Request appropriate behavior with a “please” to aid long-term memory and lengthen active working memory. Go to the next step after you have compliance, which may require calm repetition of the request or a simple physical intervention such as holding wrists.

If your child has difficulty following the command ‘stop’, play this simple game. Say something like, “Let’s hop.” Hop for a few seconds, then say “Stop”. Freeze in place for a few seconds. Do a variety of actions, such as walk, jump, twirl, twist, turn, squirm, sommersault, wink, wiggle, kick, smile, laugh, etc. After each say, “stop” and freeze. Lengthen the activity by doing a variety of tasks and lengthen the time of each. Laugh and have a good time.

We can play to learn! That’s one of the beautiful things about three to six-year-olds. Remember, research shows we learn better and faster when we’re laughing and happy! To redirect behavior, use the two-second rule and stay happy.

Steps for the Two-Second Rule

1. Say name and “Stop!”
2. Child stops or adult intervenes.
3. State desired behavior
4. Remember?
5. Kindly request appropriate behavior.

Next Week: Begin With the End in Mind

Kids Talk is a column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 20 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is also Creative Director for a video-based reading series for children ages three to six, The Shining Light Reading Series. Contact her via e-mail at maren@shininglightreading.com.

Visit www.shininglightreading.com for more information.

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk.

Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here:
www.shininglightreading.com/enews.html

©KIDS TALK™
925 N.W. Hoyt #532
Portland, OR 97209
503.274.9788
maren@comcast.net